I won’t be able to see him, but that’s okay. I will soon. Knowing that there will be a day of nothing, a day of having an empty heart… Sad thatÂ I depend on one soul to support almost all of me. Sad that I can’t walk on my own, that I need him there to protect me…Maybe someday, when I’m hurt, I’ll sprint.
I have always struggled with anxiety and depression.
It started when I was 10, I had just started middle school.
I was Bullied. Badly.
Everyday after school I would rush out of the school and try SPRINT home so that the bullies wouldn’t catch me.
They usually did, And I usually went home physically and mentally abused.
I was depressed… but I NEVER thought about committing suicide.
It took a while but my parents finally noticed how depressed I was.
I went to counseling.
It helped, but It didn’t stop the bullies.
That February we moved cities to get me away.
My new school was much better.
I made friends, True Friends. I had my first Romance.
My 8th, 9th, and 10th grade years were the best of my life.
I was Happy.
But then this year, my 11th grade year, everything changed.
My friends, while still close, have other friends.
I was left to my own devices.
I am not the most accepting person.
I don’t put up with crap.
That’s what getting bullied taught me.
Other people don’t like it when I call them out for being rude, or for doing stupid things.
“*****” is a common nickname for me.
I get made fun of in all of my classes, and Online.
The few friends I have made have turned on me, but don’t explain why.
They tell me “Its Your Fault. Everything is your fault.”
I go over every situation, every conversation.
I feel confused, frustrated, anxious, and depressed.
I have good parents, and I am a good kid. Â I get in trouble like every other kid.
But my parents add to my confusion, frustration, anxiety, and depression.
In the past 3 months I have had more panic attacks than I can count.
I can’t stop crying.
I just want it to stop.
My best friend turned on me today. She didn’t even explain why. Just called me a “*****” then walked away.
I haven’t stopped crying.
It hurts. Feeling like this.
My chest feels like it is on fire.
And the worst part is That nobody really cares.
I have a stun gun. I have used it on my self several times.
I forget for a while after using it.
I suppose its my way of cutting.
but it doesn’t leave any real marks.
they fade quickly.
It hurts. I can’t keep feeling this.
I can’t keep getting told I am worthless.
I just want it to stop.
When I was 7 y.o.,I am 45 now,a deer in a full sprint almost ran me over during a walk I took along a path during a family reunion in a Pennsylvania park.I could feel the course hair rub up against my stomach.So close to death,but notÂ near enough so that I would of had the “eternal bliss’ that would of been Â given me.When Â I was an evangelical christian ,I thought that God had a special purpose for my life because of this incident.What a foolish thing to believe on my part.I wish that I was 2 more inches ahead so that deer would of wasted me .
I feel like I’m preparing to kill myself without even trying.Â My depression is getting worse and worse.Â I don’t take any meds except 5-htp, this natural supplement and who the fuck knows if it even works.Â I definitely feel hopeless.Â I’m alone.Â All my friends moved away and have lives and I’m just their facebook friend now.Â So, I deleted my facebook.Â I was active on blogtv and had friends there, so I deleted that.Â All I’ve kept is twitter and skype to talk to my online girlfriend but she’s getting fed up with my negativity and falling asleep while skyping.Â She’s 3 hours behind me, and I work 10 hours a day at a shitty job that I hate which rotates between daytime and night shift weekly.Â Sorry if I fall asleep at 2am.Â She threatens to end this weekly.
I have no friends in real life.Â I work a job that I hate, and then I come home and watch movies and tv or play video games.Â Movies end, tv shows end, games end, and then I’m left sitting here with nothing to do but think about how shitty my life is.Â I know the steps to take to try and get better.Â I should reach out to someone, anyone, right?Â I should make new accounts or get the old ones back and reach out to online friends right?Â I should call the suicide hotline, or see a therapist, or try not to be alone right?Â I should avoid making suicide plans and setting things up for after I die right?Â But I feel like I’m on autopilot now.Â I’m taking my final steps toward the end and I can’t control my legs.Â I see the cliff but I won’t stop walking.Â I even feel like I’m about to sprint.Â I fantasize about a woman coming into my life and saving me.Â I fantasize about someone giving me a reason to live, and the will to fight.Â All I do is give up on things or fail them miserably.Â I wasn’t supposed to be born.Â I’m not a real person.Â There’s no one in my life who really cares about me, and even if they do it’s like I can’t feel it. Â No one will save me and I don’t really care much about saving myself.Â Having already tried suicide twice before, I know the third time will be the charm.Â There’s no more hesitation or fear.Â There’s no need for a quick act of desperation.Â My course to oblivion has been plotted and I’m headed there at a nice steady speed.Â My debt is steadily increasing to the point where I can barely make it.Â 40k in student loans so I can make 10.59 an hour.Â Â My credit card’s maxed out.Â I live with my mom and her idiot husband.Â Fuck this life.Â Fuck everyone on the planet.Â I guess I’m just waiting for things to get to a point where I’ll say “That’s about enough” and then it’s Bye Bye.Â Â The ultimate problem is that I can’t feel Love, if it exists.Â So of course I feel like no one has ever loved me.Â And I never will right?Â If anyone has loved me, they’ve also lied to me and hurt me.Â So why would I hold on to the hope that maybe someone will love me one day, when even if they did I wouldn’t feel it? Or even if they did, they might still betray and hurt me?Â What’s the point? All I want to do is bleed out or fall alseep and never wake up.