I feel like I’m preparing to kill myself without even trying.Â My depression is getting worse and worse.Â I don’t take any meds except 5-htp, this natural supplement and who the fuck knows if it even works.Â I definitely feel hopeless.Â I’m alone.Â All my friends moved away and have lives and I’m just their facebook friend now.Â So, I deleted my facebook.Â I was active on blogtv and had friends there, so I deleted that.Â All I’ve kept is twitter and skype to talk to my online girlfriend but she’s getting fed up with my negativity and falling asleep while skyping.Â She’s 3 hours behind me, and I work 10 hours a day at a shitty job that I hate which rotates between daytime and night shift weekly.Â Sorry if I fall asleep at 2am.Â She threatens to end this weekly.
I have no friends in real life.Â I work a job that I hate, and then I come home and watch movies and tv or play video games.Â Movies end, tv shows end, games end, and then I’m left sitting here with nothing to do but think about how shitty my life is.Â I know the steps to take to try and get better.Â I should reach out to someone, anyone, right?Â I should make new accounts or get the old ones back and reach out to online friends right?Â I should call the suicide hotline, or see a therapist, or try not to be alone right?Â I should avoid making suicide plans and setting things up for after I die right?Â But I feel like I’m on autopilot now.Â I’m taking my final steps toward the end and I can’t control my legs.Â I see the cliff but I won’t stop walking.Â I even feel like I’m about to sprint.Â I fantasize about a woman coming into my life and saving me.Â I fantasize about someone giving me a reason to live, and the will to fight.Â All I do is give up on things or fail them miserably.Â I wasn’t supposed to be born.Â I’m not a real person.Â There’s no one in my life who really cares about me, and even if they do it’s like I can’t feel it. Â No one will save me and I don’t really care much about saving myself.Â Having already tried suicide twice before, I know the third time will be the charm.Â There’s no more hesitation or fear.Â There’s no need for a quick act of desperation.Â My course to oblivion has been plotted and I’m headed there at a nice steady speed.Â My debt is steadily increasing to the point where I can barely make it.Â 40k in student loans so I can make 10.59 an hour.Â Â My credit card’s maxed out.Â I live with my mom and her idiot husband.Â Fuck this life.Â Fuck everyone on the planet.Â I guess I’m just waiting for things to get to a point where I’ll say “That’s about enough” and then it’s Bye Bye.Â Â The ultimate problem is that I can’t feel Love, if it exists.Â So of course I feel like no one has ever loved me.Â And I never will right?Â If anyone has loved me, they’ve also lied to me and hurt me.Â So why would I hold on to the hope that maybe someone will love me one day, when even if they did I wouldn’t feel it? Or even if they did, they might still betray and hurt me?Â What’s the point? All I want to do is bleed out or fall alseep and never wake up.
I hear you …
wish I had wisdom or words that hinted at some kind of solution – but I don’t
Wish you well, hope you find a way out of this that let’s you live and thrive
but if you don’t, then I wish you peace
imo, noone can save you but yourself .. some people may try to help but even the most patient and loyal girl won’t help much if you haven’t made it your own goal to be saved, on a subconscious and conscious level
the fact you deleted your FB and blogtv profiles is -imo- a sign of self-sabotage .. because of repeated failures (?), negativity/pessimism has become your comfort zone and your subconcious mind is now leading you to ruin all chances of improvement on your path.. BUT your subconscious also shows this small desire to get better: you’re fantasizing about being saved, you’re here to share your story => your inner fight between self-sabotage and self-sabotage is not over yet (at least that’s how I’m seeing it)
you can still choose to give that small desire of improvement a(nother) chance to grow
*self-sabotage and self-salvation is ..