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Stanley Knife

Cutting means too much to me…

by Engeltje
written by Engeltje

Cutting those cuts,
feeling the razor blade slice into your skin,
seeing the blood flow…
No, I know it sure,
I will never heal of self mutilation.
NEVER
And those scars will always stay…
ALWAYS
There will come more of them.
Because the feeling I get is indiscribable.
Feeling that pain that’s going through my whole body,
feeling something and feeling numb,
feeling like it’s my best friend,
my best help,
the only thing I can trust.
Yeah, that blade and that stanley knife are really MY best friends.

A little poem written by myself:

And then you’re sitting there,
crying in the corner of the […]

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The urge of cutting and suicide.

by Engeltje
written by Engeltje

Today I really tended and had the urge to cut myself and to plan my suicide. I felt really terrible today. It started this morning, the thoughts of don’t want to live anymore. I had to find out what the methods are to kill yourself. I had to, just to feel calmer. I searched on the internet and found a list with success rates. It made me happy and calm. It gaves me safety. I was thinking about what method I will do first. Lots of the methods were really painful or really hard to do. Like using a gun. How would I ever get […]

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Self-Harm anniversary?? How I started to cut.

by Engeltje
written by Engeltje

Today.
21 january.
One year.
One year of self-harm.
One year of cuts.
21 january.
21 january 2012.
The day.
The day I started cutting.
Cutting on my hands.
Cutting on my feet.
Cutting on my hips.
Cutting on my belly.
Cutting on my lower arms.
Cutting on my wrists.
Cutting on my chest.
I can remember that day as yesterday. Saturday 21 january 2012. I grabbed a scissors and started to scrape and scrape on my hand until there was a little scar with a very little bit of blood. I did it, couldn’t go back. Well, it doesn’t matter, right? It was just […]

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First writing, my day.

by Engeltje
written by Engeltje

This morning I looked outside and all I saw was snow. You may think: “Is that special?? O.o” Well, I can tell you: yes, it is. Because in The Netherlands we don’t really have severe winters or often snow. So when there is snow, it’s special. Especially when it’s like 6 inches, like today. I had to go to my part-time therapy (from 9 am till 3 pm every monday till friday) and luckily my father brought me. There was like more than 1000 kilometers of traffic jam, a new record! (on a normal tuesday in the morning it’s around 300 kilometers) and we also […]

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