Today I really tended and had the urge to cut myself and to plan my suicide. I felt really terrible today. It started this morning, the thoughts of don’t want to live anymore. I had to find out what the methods are to kill yourself. I had to, just to feel calmer. I searched on the internet and found a list with success rates. It made me happy and calm. It gaves me safety. I was thinking about what method I will do first. Lots of the methods were really painful or really hard to do. Like using a gun. How would I ever get a gun in The Netherlands? The laws for guns here are really severe. One of the laws is that you could only get a gun if you are member of a schootingsociety for more than one year and you shoot there several times a month. It’s really not a option.
I was thinking about cutting. I needed to cut. I had to. I HAD TO. NOW. So I went to my room, grabbed my Stanley knife and started to cut. Finally, relief. After more cuts I went downstairs. Again I was searching for suicide. Did I really wanted to die?? Yes. No. Yes and no. I just didn’t wanted to live like this anymore and if suicide was a good option, I wanted to die. After a while when it was 3 pm, I had to shower. But before I went into the bathroom, I went to my room and took my Stanley knife. I knew exactly what I was going to do. I went into the bathroom, locked the door and started to cut on my hips. The feeling of the pain, the relief, how you see the blood slowly flow down your hips. It always makes me feel better, for a few minutes. And when I stood under the shower and I felt the water flew into my cuts, it was such a good feeling. The tingling, the pain, realizing you’re strong because you have conquered the pain and you have exceeded the threshold of pain. It maked me feel better for a few minutes, but it also make me feel worse after those few minutes.
~These wounds won’t seem to heal.
This pain is just too real.
There’s just too much that time cannot erase.~
17 comments
I wake up literally everyday with those feelings, but then I look at myself in the mirror and see how ugly the scars are that are left on my body. The worst is trying to hide it from others. Please don’t end your end 🙁 It would make many people sad, and you have so much in stored for you in the future. From what I’ve read, you’ve survived many years living through this, which in turn will just make you stronger. The way I see it, living will show that whatever obstacle has put you down, is nothing more than an inferior annoyance. You can prove to the world that you are stronger than anybody else. True strength comes from the hearts <3 You're not alone! If you ever need to talk to anyone, you can message me, I'll always be there to help and "when you cry I'd wipe away all of these tears" and "hold your hand through all of these years" 🙂
Have you thought about why you want to end your life? Have you experienced traumatic events in your past? Don’t harm yourself. Love yourself instead.
@Soroxen,
Believe me, nobody will miss me if I’ll die… And my future looks terrible, so also that won’t keep me alive. To be exactly, I live in this mess for 12 years now (I’m 16) and yes, it makes me stronger, but it also makes me weaker. And look where I’m now. If I were truly strong, I wouldn’t think about suicide at all, I wouldn’t cut myself, I wouldn’t hate myself. If I were truly strong, I would be happier than I am now. That only shows me that I’m strong, but not strong enough, and really weak. Thanks for saying that I could always message you… It really gave me a good feeling, when I read the parts between the “quote marks”. I really like Evanescence. I really like their song Bring Me To Life. Thanks for your comment.
@Dave_N,
Yes, I had a really tough childhood and youth. And still I have. I can’t love myself, you know. I HATE MYSELF. How can I love myself if I hate myself so badly?? :'(
That’s not true, I’ll miss you 🙁 Even though I’ve never met you and I don’t know who you are, I would still grieve over your lose. Believe me, you ARE strong. Surviving for 12 years to me is incredible. I can barely get through 5, let alone 12. And hey, even the strongest of warriors come across obstacles that make them “weak.” To truly be weak, you would have to go against everything you believe in and life for someone else. Meaning, you’d do things not because you want to, but because everyone else forces it upon you. You’re still young, life hasn’t even begun for you. I’m 17 so I’m also still in high school and of course my life hasn’t really started either, but that doesn’t mean that we should give up 🙂 Everyone has faults about themselves they hate and wish they could change. Hell, I’m extremely tall for a girl (5’10”) not to mention the fact that I’m overweight and I have a giant nose. Yeah I get called ugly and fat, but I don’t let that bother me (well not on the outside) because I know that those people are just trying to bring me down. Just a few days ago I was dead set on ending my life, yet I’ve found the little strength buried deep inside to continue living. Living for myself and not for others. Right now you just need someone to guide you and give you that little extra push 🙂 Does that mean you’re weak? Of course not. I’m sure you’re stronger than you think and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise ^.^ Don’t ever give up! And you’re welcome 🙂 My email is dealmeida.giovanna@yahoo.com if you ever need someone to talk to. I’ll try my hardest to reply right away! Hold you’re head up high, I’m sure that if you do decide to end your life, you’d hurt the heart of a special someone that you may not know of yet c:
@soroxen,
Allright, maybe people on this site will.miss me, but nobody beside that. And believe me, surviving for twelve years is really tough and demotivating. You’re not tall. I wish I was 5’10”, but I’m 5’8″ which is also okay for me. You know, here in The Netherlands we have a lot of long people, my mother is 6’1″ and my father 6′. We think is beautiful to have your length. I know overweighted isn’t easy and stuff, but if you have peace with it, it’s much easier. I’ve had underweight for a long time, but I was still called fat and things like that in that time, even tough I wasn’t fat. I started to believe that because they’ve said it so many times and I still believe that I’m fat and I’m really insecure about myself. I’m now at a normal weight, but still just a few lbs above the border of underweight. The only thing that’s keeping me alive, is that I won’t be selfish and I think you are if you commit suicide. Also the fact that in The Netherlands only 1 on 4 suicide attempts succeed and if I would attemp suicide, I wanted to know for sure I will be that 1 of the 4 that succeed. So it’s not much that’s keeping me alive, but I’m still fighting, I only don’t know for how long anymore. Thanks for your email. And that special person, is that you?? 😛 May I ask where you live?? I think the USA, but if it’s yes, where something in the USA (because it’s sooooooo BIG XD). Thanks for your reply.
Haha yes I do live in USA, Florida to be exact. Down here common height for girls is around 5’6″ so I’m much taller than most xD Anyways, I think you shouldn’t listen to what those assholes say, no matter how hurtful it is. Although I have very low self-esteem, I’ve learned to not listen to what others say (especially people that are not close to me) because I know that they’re just trying to bring me down for their own pleasure. So don’t take offense to what anyone else says (: I’m sure you’re 20x better than they are! Anywho, I really do hope that you can continue to find the strength within you to survive. I know that life is extremely hard at times and that we all just wish to give up, but things really do get better if you change your mindset(: Take me for example; last week I almost committed suicide. I hated my life and I hated how everything was ruined. I truly believed that no one cared and that I would just be better off dead. The following days after were grueling and I wish I had a time machine to travel back in time to prevent all of this from happening, but I can honestly say that it’s thanks to what happened to me, that made me a stronger person today. As of right now, I’m happy and I don’t regret anything at all. Sure I regret being close with that girl that betrayed me and I still feel hatred and anger when I see her, but I just think to myself how much better I am than her and how I have a more promising future, that is what keeps me sane. I’m sure the same rules apply to you 🙂 Whenever you feel down, motivated yourself! You don’t deserve all this negativity around you, and although you can’t change people, you can always change yourself to get around them. Personally, I have a certain way I act with everyone; meaning every different person receives different emotions/treatments from me xD Whoops I kept babbling on and on, so I’ll end this quickly. Please try to think more positively! Getting through the obstacles in your life will definitely be worth it, and trust me, you do mean something to someone. Every person you met, you’ve already changed their lives in one way or the other. I really do hope you can find the strength to get through all this c: Thank you for reading~ ^.^
@Soroxen,
Florida, niceee. Well, then you live for about 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 miles from where I live XD. But about what those assholes say, I know I shouldn’t listen to them, but if you were always told your fat or so, one time you are going to believe that. If they tell you from a young age that there’s no other country besides the USA, and they tell you every day several times, one day you are going to believe that. It’s just like the communism thing that happens in North-Korea. Yes, life is really hard and not sometimes for me, but like almost always :/. I’ve tried so many things and many treatments, but all helped nothing. Nothing. I’ve changed my personality and my mindset also many times and even that didn’t help. Now I’m in therapy again (5 days a week from 9 am till 3 pm) and also that seemed not to work. I’m really desperate. :'( Things only get worse and worse, there is not 1 day that I feel a little bit happy, not even an hour, not even a minute or a second. I like it if people say a lot of things and keep babbling on and on. When I write an e-mail, I always write a very long mail haha. Thanks for writing such a long comment, I love long comments XD. So, I also going to stop. Thanks for comment…
Bahaha not that long of a distance, but you’re close 😉 and yeah I know what you mean unfortunately…thing is, what they say, will only be true if you believe it. It’s like rumors, if someone came up to you and kept calling you a “slut” or “player” and you know that’s not true, than you wouldn’t believe it. I guess our definitions of “fat” or different, seeing as how like 90% of Americans are fat xD haha anyways, don’t forget that you’re never alone! 🙂 I’m actually studying psychology because I want to be a therapist when I grow older so I can help people out. If you want, you can email me what’s going on with you right now c: I, like you, love long messages because it gives me something to look forward to and read ^-^ I really do hope you feel better! You don’t deserve to be going through all this anguish and turmoil 🙁 I wish I could give you a hug, but you live 23493543948189 miles away xD
Hello there! If it wasn’t for my meds tampering with my true feelings and emotions I think I would be gone by now. I’m 16 too, I’m sooo scared to grow up lol. A lot of girls I know cut, I’ve always wondered how it felt, I haven’t tried it though.
Heroin OD is pretty epic.
Drowning urself is pretty quick
Gun is good if u know where to shoot.(BE VERY CAUTIOUS)
Or just torture urself with the horrible music that is on the radio 😀
I hope u find ur happiness, and won’t do anything rash. But who am I to talk, I’m gunna kill myself soooo (:
RareHumanSpecies – Please don’t encourage suicide. I myself had the mindset that I was going to end my life a week ago, but killing yourself won’t change anything. Everybody goes through hard times in life, but it’s overcoming those obstacles that make us stronger. If you’re scared at 16, imagine next year. I’m 17, meaning I’m a senior in highschool That by far is one of the scariest things because that’s when you have to make a decision for your future. I’m not trying to compare lives here, but I’m just trying to show you that life isn’t THAT bad. Yes, there may be more bad than good, but once you get through all of this, there WILL be a better and more positive future in store for you.
Engeltje, may I ask a question? What do you reckon must change in your life for you to experience happiness? I’m just imagining, what if something catastrophic occurred where in the town that you live, and you were to see everyone, those you know and those you don’t know, die, some scrambling about, houses gone, people crying, people holding the bodies of their children, their mothers, their fathers, their friends, and so forth. But your home was not affected. In fact, you were sleeping, and you escaped tragedy. Where would your thoughts be?
This is just a thought experiment. It occurred to me to ask it.
I’m not encouraging it, I’m actually trying my best not to but it’s most likely not working at all. I just speak the truth, I’m drugged up anyways. Thanks a lot doc i’m not myself!!!
RareHumanSpecies- I’m sure right now you’re feeling extremely depressed or suicidal, but my advice would be to just get some sleep for now. Tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning to start things fresh.
Peacefuldreams – Happiness can be achieved through the smallest of things c: For example, when you eat foods with carbs in it, such as chocolate, or even better, icecream, it released a chemical called serotonin which basically makes you feel good. Of course eating too much is bad and that’s not the best way to achieve happiness, but if something catastrophic like that really did happen, my best guess would be to move towns. Lingering behind in a place where such tragedy occurred will bring back painful memories and make you feel worse, so if you do move cities or to some place new, you’ll have a chance to encounter new people and make friends. You can never change what happened in the past, only what will happen now and in the future.
I hope both of you can find your source of happiness! 🙂 My happiness for example, is drawing. Try to take on a hobby that brings you pleasure, and you’ll see how things (life) get’s better over time~ ^-^
@soroxen,
Well, so it’s 23493543948189 miles from your home to mine. Really, I have no idea how much that is XD, because we use kilometer in The Netherlands ;). So I converted it. It’s about 37809000000000 kilimeters. That’s a lot, but I think I could easily walk from my home to your home XD so I can see you hahaha. No, I’m not really a good swimmer and I hate sharks.
@RareHumanSpecies,
I think I don’t have to be very cautious with using a gun, because I think I wouldn’t be able to ever HOLD a gun or SEE one. So lets forget USING one. In The Netherlands (where I live) it’s really tough to get a gun, so that’s not an option, and I don’t have to be cautious.
@Peacefuldreams,
Ofcourse you may ask me something, always. If I respond it is something else 😉 but actually I don’t really know. I just want that I don’t have those problems and stuff and shizzle. You understand??
Engeltje – Oh no, I made up those random numbers! xD and oh? you can walk that? Challenge Accepted then! 😉 haha just kidding :p I’m glad to see you’re in better spirits right now, it makes me feel better c:
@Soroxen,
Serious??!!!!! I thought it was the real distance, but now you’re saying, I believe that it isn’t even possible (if you go the fastest way 😉 ). Because if you would go exactly one round around the world it’s less than that random number you said XD. So, I googled it, if you go exactly one round around the earth, it’s 40075 kilometers and that is about 24901 miles (at least, google says that 😉 ). I will walk to you from my house for 10 million dollars! 🙂 Challenge still accepted?? 😛 And you and your post make me feel a little better… 🙂 love this site and the people here.
Bahaha 10 million dollars it is! xD and yes, I agree, the people and this site is amazing. They’ve given me back the hope that I’ve lost and I’m so thankful for it 🙂 Keep your head held high 😀 Great things will come to you soon!~