Today I really tended and had the urge to cut myself and to plan my suicide. I felt really terrible today. It started this morning, the thoughts of don’t want to live anymore. I had to find out what the methods are to kill yourself. I had to, just to feel calmer. I searched on the internet and found a list with success rates. It made me happy and calm. It gaves me safety. I was thinking about what method I will do first. Lots of the methods were really painful or really hard to do. Like using a gun. How would I ever get a gun in The Netherlands? The laws for guns here are really severe. One of the laws is that you could only get a gun if you are member of a schootingsociety for more than one year and you shoot there several times a month. It’s really not a option.
I was thinking about cutting. I needed to cut. I had to. I HAD TO. NOW. So I went to my room, grabbed my Stanley knife and started to cut. Finally, relief. After more cuts I went downstairs. Again I was searching for suicide. Did I really wanted to die?? Yes. No. Yes and no. I just didn’t wanted to live like this anymore and if suicide was a good option, I wanted to die. After a while when it was 3 pm, I had to shower. But before I went into the bathroom, I went to my room and took my Stanley knife. I knew exactly what I was going to do. I went into the bathroom, locked the door and started to cut on my hips. The feeling of the pain, the relief, how you see the blood slowly flow down your hips. It always makes me feel better, for a few minutes. And when I stood under the shower and I felt the water flew into my cuts, it was such a good feeling. The tingling, the pain, realizing you’re strong because you have conquered the pain and you have exceeded the threshold of pain. It maked me feel better for a few minutes, but it also make me feel worse after those few minutes.
~These wounds won’t seem to heal.
This pain is just too real.
There’s just too much that time cannot erase.~