Today.
21 january.
One year.
One year of self-harm.
One year of cuts.
21 january.
21 january 2012.
The day.
The day I started cutting.
Cutting on my hands.
Cutting on my feet.
Cutting on my hips.
Cutting on my belly.
Cutting on my lower arms.
Cutting on my wrists.
Cutting on my chest.
I can remember that day as yesterday. Saturday 21 january 2012. I grabbed a scissors and started to scrape and scrape on my hand until there was a little scar with a very little bit of blood. I did it, couldn’t go back. Well, it doesn’t matter, right? It was just one time and I wouldn’t do it anymore. That sunday I tried to scratch another scar, on my wrist, because my hand wasn’t clever cause everyone could see that. But I couldn’t, it hurted too much. I stopped, promised myself that I won’t ever try it again. But I broke that promise the next day. I started to scratch on my wrist. I loved the pain, the feeling of feeling something that hurts more than the feeling inside. The idea that the scars that are inside, were shown on the outside. I started to cut more often, deeper and after a while with a Stanley knife instead of a scissors. It was my secret, my little secret. Nowadays I still cut, I keep cutting deeper and deeper. I’m afraid one day I can totally not control it and that I will cut too deep. I never thought cutting would be an addiction, but it is. I have so many scars that they are uncountable. One day I will stop, I hope, but not now. I still need it in these hard times…
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
7 comments
u ok? email me if u wanna talk thursday_mourning@aol.com
hi
why do you cut can you please explain.and listen it is not at all a good habit so i would advice you to stop it as soon as possible
hey there
i can so relate to your story. When i started to cut for the first time i thought that was it but i was wrong it just escalated from there. But i honestly have never cut on my chest
@wconner43,
No, I’m not. Had a tough conversation today with my parents and therapists. The therapy doesn’t work on this way (was to be expected -.-), so they are going to change some things and hope that will work. I have been in therapy since march this year, and I only going backwards. 🙁
@ronal007,
I know it’s bad, but you must know that it’s NOT a habit. It’s an ADDICTION. Most people don’t understand it, it’s as difficult as a drug or alcohol addiction. You can’t just stop from one day to another. If you want to know why I do it, search on google for reasons to cut. There are multiple reasons for me, but I am unable to explain it right now. Maybe I will write it down in a post soon, I don’t know.
@LostPearl,
If you cut once, you’ll probably cut twice, and thrice, and so on. Before you realize you are addicted. I cut on places where I can hide it easily or it has a special meaning. My chest is easily to hide, because I almost always wear a scarf (because of my scoliosis, you can clearly see that my shoulders are not equal. I’m insecure about it, so I wear a scarf so people won’t notice fast).
No i had no delay, but sometimes my bus dont show up at all!
I hate the Dutch public transport so much, it is the worst of its kind!
especially now when there is a bit of snow, a lot of trains are failing..
Your question to me was “how you got those suicidal thoughts?”
when a baby is born and does not get any love or receives no form of attention it will die very soon. It happens naturally, entirely from his instinct! because he need somebody to take care of him, and if there is nobody to do that then it would be pointless to life for a other second or he would suffer a miserable life. so he dies from his own protection (true story)
So what does it have to do with me?
Im not saying that i am that baby, but at the age of 16 i realized that i was not taken seriously in every respects and had that feeling i was not meaningful for any body.
therefore I have lost confidence in people, i can not bond with people anymore, even if they are nice to me. However my life is pointless when it seems i have nobody that wants me to life.
that is why it feels natural to say that I want to die, i already feel dead inside, it is only my body that is still alive!
So i also need to choose between a miserable life or death
Yes, i have also a question what is your main problem that cause you to have suicidale thoughts?
Hey there. I totally understand what you mean. It really is an addiction that can be compared to taking drugs or smoking. You can’t just say stop and you stop. It isn’t that easy.
I am 15 this year and I have been cutting for nearly 2 years now. I have cut myself everywhere I can. Even slashed up my legs one time and thankfully wasn’t realized by my parents. Nobody understood until I met a friend that understood. She told me to try slowly and stop. Cut down the number of cuts each day. I did it. I stopped. But I broke the promise. I feel bad all over again. I dare not go to her because I am afraid she will be annoyed or busy. I just want to die, I want someone to understand. I need someone to help me. I just don’t know what to do. 🙁
@Boot777,
Yes, the Dutch public transport really sucks. It just don’t works XD.
Thanks for answering my question. I feel sorry for you, it must be really hard for you. I also lost a lot of trust in people because of my past. I hope that one day you’ll feel better and worthful to live on this planet, because you are :).
About your question for me, I’ve decided to answer that in a post, so you will see it. I’m going to post it tonight (I guess before1 am Dutch time).
@Amaya,
I understand you, and I know there are more people in the world and on this site who understand you. Ofcourse nobody can EVER understand exactly how you feel and why you do something and stuff, but that’s normal. You know, most of the people who stopted with cutting, did cut at least one more time after they were stopted. So it’s also quite normal that you started to cut again. Maybe you are just not ready to stop, it’s possible, but that’s not your fault. You know, cutting and other forms of self-harm/self-injury/automutilation are things you have to deal with every day. Every day you have to fight against it, but there will be a day that you’ll know how to win that fight. Probably that day isn’t there yet. I’m NOT saying you just need to cut until that day comes, I only say it’s hard to fight against it if you don’t know how to win it and it’s okay if you can’t stop now with cutting. Believe in yourself and everything is going to be alright 🙂