I was sexually abused as a child. I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused through childhood and my early teens. I’m super screwed up. I can’t control my emotions and I get depressed. Suicide seems very glamorous to me. I’ve thought about it ever since I was 7 or 8 years old. Life terrifies me unless I’m drinking or doing drugs. I’m a cutter. I’ve never attempted suicide because I always chicken out in the end, but I’m getting closer to the brink.
Hey everyone. I’m 24 years old, currently in grad school. I lead a relatively comfortable life except for a few cases of domestic violence (from family and partners) and a sexual harassment experience. I work, and I volunteer, and I have a few hobbies I enjoy.
But something I’ve been feeling lately leaves me hopeless, stuck, and miserable.
I’m working at an internship I hate. I thought I’d like it but I hate being in front of a computer for eight hours a day. The thought of working hard through college and grad school to just sit at a desk for the rest of my life sounds […]
Living isn’t any easier for me. Waking up, isn’t either. The cutting doesn’t even numb anything anymore either. But now there’s this girl. I work with her, and I actually like her…I’ve never thought of a fellow female like that. Just confused
They say that you never forget your first love. This is a 1973 Dodge Dart with the slant 6 motor.
You know the time right after a really heavy rainstorm? When it’s quiet and peaceful and all of the ugliness is over – Honestly, I’ve always been a little afraid of heavy rainstorms, especially when there’s lightening and thunder. But I love when it’s over – I like to stand outside and smell the fresh air, and breathe a sigh of relief – not nervous anymore. I’m hoping that’s what we’ve finally come to – the end of the thunderstorm. I don’t want to be nervous anymore. It has been what I have dubbed “the winter of our discontent” – a seemingly endless series of […]
An old acquaintance of mine used to have a radio show and once in a while he would pull off a fake commercial and let the audience vote on whether or not they thought it was legit. One of my favorites was “Euthanasia Cruises”. For $2500 you could book passage on a luxury ocean liner that sailed out past the 20 mile limit. Then the passengers could do whatever they wanted for three days and nights – eat, drink, do drugs, have sex with each other – whatever they felt like doing and as much as they wanted. Then after the three days everyone gets […]
You know, I honestly think of ways to die every single day.. Ive come up with probably hundreds of ways and thought of olaces no one would find me.. I cant do it because I have little lives to take care of and if I dont, they will have no one… My husband literally just left me.. Like an hour ago.. He called to tell the kods he loved them..which is great.. He is a good guy.. I am at a loss for words other than when will it end? :'(
Hey..
Did you know that I cried myself to sleep last night?
Did you know that I sit alone in class?
Did you know that my friends talk behind my back?
Did you know that I fake a smile?
Did you know that I lie when I say I’m alright?
Hey… Hey, mom..
Did you know that thoughts of suicide became an ordinary thing for me?
Did you know that it hurt when you called me fat?
Did you know what I go through at school?
Did you know how much it hurts when I don’t get a higher mark in my tests, and to see the disappointment on everyone’s faces when I fail their […]
Last night i tried to commit suicide.. but i just couldn’t take my other leg off the bed, my mom has a rope at the side of the house in an old BBQ thing i tried to reach it out my window but the bars on my window only let me go so far, i couldn’t reach it so i used the strap from my purse, and put the medal part on the hook on my ceiling, my other leg was slowly slidding off and my vision was going black my whole upper body went numb and then that’s when i started thinking about everything […]
ive been in care from a year old. throughout my childhood it was a never ending stream of social workers, supervised access visits and confusion.my foster parents threw me out when I was 12 as apparently they couldn’t cope with me – I was swearing, smoking a little and being generally grim (normal teenager but whatever) from there was the downfall, or maybe that started when I was born who knows. I lived with 2 other fosters carers after that (1 of which sexually abused me) and I left care when I was 15 to get away from all the nightmares.from then my real mum […]
i see everybody moving on, everyone whos left me. everyone who was important to me. and i have moved on too maybe physically but not mentally. i still long for those people for the talk for the closeness for the laughs for being in their presence. Some im glad have moved on the ones who were negative mean nasty but it seems as though they are happy…  then why cant i be happy. fully completely. there always seems to be something. And although  seeing the people i once considered friends, lovers, family happy should make me happy as well there is a twinge of sadness […]
I really should be studying for my history exam but I can’t seem to stop thinking about suicide. I don’t know what to do ,I’ve been like this for so long. I’m scared of my own mind , I’m afraid of what I’m capable of. I’m only 14 by the way. I just feel horrible about myself , I try so hard in everything I do but it’s always not enough for some people. I push everyone away from me I’m so isolated in my own little world. School gets out Friday . I guess I made it through my freshmen year. I wasn’t at […]
I think the scariest thing in life is the thought of settling; the thought of giving into the false expectations of this world…just falling in line and becoming yet another emotionless face in the crowd. Just mindlessly going through the motions to the point where everyday feels the exact same. To the point where passions become colorless and dreams become meaningless. Whether it be in a job, a relationship, your environment, or maybe a combination of the three. We tell ourselves that this will never happen to us, but before you know it, the repetitiveness starts to set in; the dullness becomes more and more […]
Sickness, pain and everlasting guilt. Mistakes and terrible decisions made and repeated once more. Memory fails me unsure if  it’s due to anxiety, fear and shutting down or something more sinister.
I’ve pushed everyone away, Â ran away, I miss my friends but after six months of me pushing them away, hiding, ignoring i doubt they want anything to do with me. Who can blame them, im uselss, boring and so withdrawn. And I can’t even admit how terrible I have been.
I have thought about death so much this year. I wanted to end it all so many times. I went to a funeral of a dear […]
I spend a lot of time thinking about the future. Wondering of ill travel the world, make it in broadway, get married and have kids, or give up  before I get the chance.
I wonder what what it is inside of me that makes my body ache and makes my mind fill up with hate. I don’t know how to stop it. I know that I should probably get help. Tell a parent. But in reality if I tell them all that goes on in my head they’ll send me away because “I’m a danger to myself.” And I wouldn’t be able to handle that. I […]
The note is complete. not really the best but its fine. but even now, when i am this close, i am not sure. its still looking like a hazy dream. David455 once asked here – “Is suicide romantic?” i can now definitely understand this question. but he went through the whole process. even now, when i can do it any day, its looking like a romantic idea.
I am not sure. Have i tried enough? ofcourse i have. there is no try left. being in the middle is a shitty situation. all you can do is rot. i do not suffer enough to do it without […]
I only have one “friend” locally in town and she is dumber than fuck. She has an unbelievable bedbug infestation – so bad that they are living in her oven. If you know anything about bedbugs, you know that they like to live near their prey (and she doesn’t stay long by the oven) and they don’t live inside metal structures (generally) unless there are so goddamn many of them that they run out of other places to live in the house. This is my friend’s situation. I call her dumb because she refuses to admit she has them and refuses to take any steps […]
Im not a perfect person ,
Awkwardly so much of my advice i wish i could listen too . Ironic rite huh .
I have what most people want .
Friends , Family , Popularity , A Boyfriend Who loves Me ,
But yet no happiness
I was raped last year by a guy i thought who loved me
Meanwhile i went home to my brother who beat me ,
This illusion that i put is so dumb
No one knows the real inside pain i suffer
Or how i really feel inside
I have bipolar disorder ,
The meds make me tired , but i can never sleep
I […]
Fuck all of this… even with you sitting right next to me, suicide is still my first thought… why am I still here; I’m so done with this all…
“But you don’t know what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night, scared with the thought of kissing razors”
~Pierce the Veil