For years, I’ve felt helplessly depressed. But through it all I had some mysterious and sometimes unwanted glimmer of hope keeping me moving on. I waited in my solitary shell for something to destroy the barrier I’ve built around myself and take me into a life worth living. I watched the world go by, knowing that I’ll never be like the beautiful people, the successful people. But that voice in my head kept telling me that there’s still hope for me. I hoped, and still do, to grow old and look back to say: “I’m proud of who I am”. But that voice that kept […]
Tag:
Threshold
The pain doesn’t get better. Each day, my suffering seems to increase. I feel like a ghost walking through my life, I don’t know if anyone sees me or not, I feel invisible. I avoid talking to people for fear of frightening them with the truth… if they listen to me, or look into my eyes, they might see what I try to conceal; anguish and loneliness at the threshold of becoming more than any human being could possibly bear.
Last night, I cried for hours, and fell asleep imagining the instant relief of being hit head-on by a fast-moving train.
I know everyone has different reasons for arriving at this site, though we all share the same goal. My reasons are mental health related at their core, I guess, and the fallout from the symtoms…
Major Depressive Disorder, a chronic case of ADHD that I discovered myself 10 years ago in my mid 20’s, and anxiety which amplifies my reactions to people who are I guess just naturally reacting to my conditions… a vicious, never ending cycle that brings me here. Sadness, loneliness, pain & the anger that comes with being misunderstood & having no one to talk to.
Suicide is something I began flirting […]
As someone who’s survived 3 serious attempts I wish to say that I have no intention of making it through number four. I’ve finally arrived at the conclusion that I’m statistically supposed to be dead by now and it’s not something which makes me feel better. I’ve seen so much pain on my short tour here on Earth. Humanity does little to stoke my optimism, in fact it does the opposite. I’m a vet, I’m mentally unstable, I’m single, I’m unemployed for the fourth year running and I’m almost homeless (I already was for 3 years.) A close friend who I met while being homeless committed suicide via alcohol and prescription […]
Borderline personality disorder: Society’s way of saying that you’re a ticking time bomb. Abandonment issues only get worse with time. When you get numb to the pain, your mind simply widens it’s threshold. Boxing lessons: They will happen. You have only two choices in life: Die, or grow another day older. Immortality can be measured by things accomplished in your lifetime, as well as how long you endured this lifetime.
the Suicide
Death dwells in the shadow just at your shoulder. You invited it in, you dined with it, you bathed with it, you lay with death.
Consumed by and consuming, death becomes both a path and a destination for you.
You write a final letter, a final note, and gulp down a bottle of pills, hoping it will all be over soon…
And then…
You wait…
But not long for as you soon take you final step…
You call for help.
But wait, this makes no sense?
Why would you wish for death, plan for death, and attempt to kill yourself only to give up and try to save yourself in […]
A couple days ago, I asked the Dean for some accommidations on my job. Specifically, I was having persistent short-term memory issues. What I asked for was’nt much, Just having a lab assistant (Their threshold is 25, I have classes of 23 and 22). I opened up to the Dean.
Worst. Mistake. Ever.
Apparently, she mentions things to the Director, who immediately schedules a meeting with me and the Dean the next day. Once in there, I am informed that my requests are against policy without written, medical documentation, and it was strongly inferred that even asking for help indicates that I can’t handle the rigors of […]
Im putting this somewhere in cyberspace since no one in my life would bother to read it if I left it here and I want someone somewhere to know my story.
Ive been alone for so long now that I can barely remember what its like to have an actual conversation and the crushing solitude has crossed the threshold of the unbearable and any hope of rekindling any kind of social connection has long since faded so its time to hang it up (not literally though im way too much of a ***** to do it that way). […]