Im putting this somewhere in cyberspace since no one in my life would bother to read it if I left it here and I want someone somewhere to know my story.
Ive been alone for so long now that I can barely remember what its like to have an actual conversation and the crushing solitude has crossed the threshold of the unbearable and any hope of rekindling any kind of social connection has long since faded so its time to hang it up (not literally though im way too much of a ***** to do it that way).Â I donâ€™t know why people find it so horrible to be with me or to talk to me or even be around me. While reading through other peoples posts I found a lot of â€˜betrayals by friendsâ€™ and I found myself envying even that. Something, anything.Â And I donâ€™t mean that to sound like im worse off then you, if I made it sound like im trying to make it a contest im sorry but you probly hate me anyway.Â Im used to people hating me but at least this time those people will have a good reason. Im so desperate for human contact, physical or emotional, that accidental eye contact on the street or a strangers knees hitting mine on a bus will make my week. But I donâ€™t blame them, the people around me.Â I realize that fault lies solely with me.Â Because of who I am no one will ever be able to love me.Â No matter how I try I just end up pushing people away, regardless of how desperately I want them to stay.Â The only girl I ever loved was in my life 8 years ago, now im sure she doesnâ€™t even remember me because of the creature, monster I am yet I still think about her every day.Â Every time I look down the road into the futures theres still the same image; me, falling deeper into the endless chasm of isolation.Â When theres not a shadow of a doubt in your mind thatâ€™s what waiting for you in your future whats left to stop you.Â Since theres no loved ones to leave behind I can end it with a clean conscience, I feel sorry for those of you who make yourself continue your suffering because you donâ€™t want to hurt others, its one of the most noble and kind things anyone can ever do and no one will even know you did it.Â My parents donâ€™t love me, at least not as much as they did my brother so when he died they got stuck with their second choice and I can see it in their eyes everytime they look at me that they has wished id been the one.Â Ive hung on as long I as I possibly could but it gets clearer and clearer everyday that things are never going to get better.Â The worlds turned its back on me and nothing will ever get it to give me another chance, not that I wouldnâ€™t fuck that chance up anyway.Â So once this pathetic existence, if you can even call it that, is over itll be as if I never was, no ones life will be any different or feel any effect.Â And hey, theyâ€™ll even give my roommate Aâ€™s for the semester as is the roommate death policy here so at least one good thing will have come from my life.Â Its very fitting that the only good thing that came from my life will have been from my death.Â Donâ€™t feel sorry for me, im the happiest ive ever been now that ive made this decision.Â I know theres going to be plenty of you who will hate me for putting up a story that has suicide as a good ending but what can I tell you, in my case it was.Â I think suicide is a terrible ending if it happens out of grief from loss or traumatic event or something like that but when your like me and youâ€™ve spent countless hours thinking about this and making your decision and your final conclusion is that you do want to do it I just donâ€™t think anyone has the right to stop you. Well thatâ€™s itâ€¦
Sorry you wasted your time reading this