Tomorrow is the day. I’m sitting here making a mental note of the final things I need to do. I’ve taken out the trash, I’ll finish the laundry in the morning. I’ve set my phone to send out Fathers Day messages automatically. The refrigerator is empty except cases of water and some lemons. I wanted to have all these documents shredded but didn’t get around to it guess I’ll pack them up and shoot an email to my attorney that he should collect them and properly dispose. I wanted to donate my body to science but they don’t accept suicides. I still need to write […]
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too much
I prayed for normal
Oh, how I prayed.
I was so young, and didn’t know that those didn’t actually work.
Given too much too young,
you can’t help.
I wish that this was simple enough for you to understand.
I wish that what I’ve already told you was it. Wouldn’t that be nice?
But there’s more, there’s so much more underneath my skin and on those cuts
I prayed for normal.
I’ve never posted anything on a blog before, but given the circumstances, I feel obliged to speak out. I have lost my roommate Carl to suicide about a month ago. The circumstances were tragic. His sister had committed suicide last November and this had sent the family into a huge depression. Unfortunately, both of Carl’s parents are now dead as a result of their own hand. All of this was far too much. It still feels unreal to me. Things like this just don’t happen. I am unsure how to move on…..
I am breathing, but barely. Life was, “O-K”, for a while. And then…And then my life nosedived. My mental state went from being stable to barreling into the Mariana’s Trench. I ate, but the food had no taste. I drank, but nothing was cool enough. I saw but everything was in grayscale. I felt nothing. Not the wind in my face, nor the heat of the bath. I felt my heartbeat in my chest as if it were a taunting reminder of the cord that holds me to life.
Moving on in the night, I once gained a sense of comfort from cleaning; and so I […]
Hi
I’m completely new to this site and I’m not really sure what kinds of things people post but here goes.
I am 23 years old and people think I’m a happy and normal person but I’ve been suffering from bipolar disorder for 5 years. The depression I experience in cycles is becoming too much and I can’t hide it anymore. When I’m like this I am such a drain on my family and I just don’t see an end to it. This is why I want to end it all.
There is one thing stopping me. Despite being completely non religious, I keep having this horrible anxiety […]
62 more days to go. I met my then-future husband in the state where I grew up and was practicing law. His work took him to another state and I accompanied him after we got married. I’ve been a stay at home mom all this time — 13 years. He makes a good living but he’s a compulsive debtor. I kept us afloat with my inheritance — over $100,000. We’re in the middle of a divorce and it looks like our house will have to be sold because I cannot get a mortgage in my own name due to my not having a two-year work history.  I love my house and our daughter […]
Im not a perfect person ,
Awkwardly so much of my advice i wish i could listen too . Ironic rite huh .
I have what most people want .
Friends , Family , Popularity , A Boyfriend Who loves Me ,
But yet no happiness
I was raped last year by a guy i thought who loved me
Meanwhile i went home to my brother who beat me ,
This illusion that i put is so dumb
No one knows the real inside pain i suffer
Or how i really feel inside
I have bipolar disorder ,
The meds make me tired , but i can never sleep
I […]
I don’t know if anyone else goes through this, but I don’t experience too much happiness because of the mind I have. My mind is my greatest bully. It tells me things that may or may not be. It over-analyzes things. It makes mountains out of molehills. When I’m happy, it’s ok. But when I am having a bad day, I’m really REALLY having a bad day. What do I do when I have a bad day? I think of suicide of course. My mind sets me up. It seems like it’s not mine sometimes. It’s like a voice that says…”no one cares”….or “no one will miss you”……or “you would […]
Today I realised why I always assume people hate me and why I try and make them hate me.
I realised that I’d rather people feel something towards me, be that hatred or otherwise, than be indifferent towards me.
I think hatred is one of the easiest emotions to express too, and so that’s why I chose it.
I’d find it a lot easier to tell someone that I hate them than I love them, for example.
But I always used to fall out with people over stupid things and I think that was my attempt at making them hate me because I had started […]
Everyone is getting sick of me.
I’ve been in the exact same state since my breakdown over a month ago. I’ve made no progress. If anything I’m worse.
I’m trying so hard but I can’t move on. I hurt so much. People are sick of dealing with my weakness and I don’t blame them, I just don’t know what else to do. I need help pretty much 24/7. I’m a mess.
If I don’t talk to people, I feel worse and so lonely. But they’re tired of dealing with my issues.
I’ve had my exit planned for a while now. It’s all there and ready […]
I really, really cannot do this anymore. I can’t trust myself. I can’t survive my life with the etching of all this shit in my brain. It’s not good. Not good at all. I think I’m going to go back to planning my way out. This burden is too much for me. No matter how hard I pray for God’s help and talk to other people the guilt just keeps choking me.
Its over. I’m over. I don’t deserve to live. I’m a fucking failure to everyone.
It just hurts so much.
Everywhere I go, anything I do, I think of you. And then I think of how you don’t want me.
I don’t even know why. We were so happy.
It hurts too much.
The pills blur the pain but I know its there.
I can’t live this way.
It hurts.
My life is empty without you. It was going to be even before you, but now there’s no chance.
I just want to go back. I don’t know how we ended up here but I need you. I miss you.
I feel like I don’t stand a chance but I […]
I’m tired of everything. I am 21 and can’t find a job. I failed out of college when my mother was in the hospital and now my dad calls me a wasted investment. My family doesn’t have a car and I can’t get to a job even when I find one. My **** of a sisiter treats me like a piece of dog shit and calls me stupid when I was going to pay a neighbor to take me to work.
Truth is, I have always been depressed since being hit regularly as a child, whether it was with hands, leg casts, or something else my […]
Would you go?
To my funeral I mean
If I got the courage
To kill myself
If I knew you in person
You would meet my parents
And my sister
Though she’s a bit mean
When I die
And they put me 6 feet under
And a grave on top
Of the earth for me
If you visit my grave
Not saying you have to
But if you do
Please don’t bring flowers
Unless they’re fake
I like carnations then
They remind me
Of Valentine’s day
I never got a carnation
But I always gave them
To my friends
Because they never got them either
I also like roses
Red to […]
To be honest, I just really want out of this life. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the worrying about my future. I can’t stand the fact that I’m completely ugly. I can’t stand the fact that I can never chose the right religion. I can’t stand the fact that I’m so open about how I feel with everyone in the world. I’m just so fucked up in the mind, and there’s so much that races through my head. There are just so many thoughts, and they’re crazy and weird. I’m crazy and weird. I’m stupid. I’m always fucking something up. People try […]
The deeper I cut,
The more I cut deep.
Deeper and deeper I cut.Â
The more I cut,
The more often I cut,
More and more I cut.
The more scars I have,
The more fresh cuts come,
More and more fresh cuts come.
When there’s not enough blood,
I cut deeper and more,
Deeper and more I cut.
When my cuts stop bleeding,
My head starts spinning,
Slowly, slowly I die.
My eyes see blurry,
My eyes see nothing,
Nothing, nothing I see.
I lie down on the floor,
On the hard cold floor,
Cold, cold is the floor.
My heart pumps fast,
Not long will it last,
Fast, fast my heart beats.
My body feels heavy,
And then it feels light,
Up to […]
Everyday my heart breaks more.
The pieces are soon to be shattered.
It’s painful yes.
Do I tell anyone, no.
I’m better off dead.
I’m not anything special.
Just a lost person.
That won’t be finding their way around life.
Pain is getting too much.
I don’t know how to release it anymore.
Don’t know how to cope.
I don’t feel anything but pain.
Pain and heartbreak.
So heartbroken.
That no one truly loves me.
Family hates me.
Hates my style.
Hates my music.
Hates it.
Friends.
Don’t know the true me.
If they did they’d hate me too.
All I ever asked for was […]
I feel numb to all happiness surrounding me. I smoke pot daily, just so I feel a thrill from this life, and a little escape from every day’s crap. I need a bigger trip. Like mush or acid. Or love. I’ve been waiting for someone to love for 17 years now. All I got was hurt and scared. I just need to kiss and hug and comfort someone.Talk and cry with them. Run and laugh and live with them. All I have is a broken sister, an overwhelmed mother and a hole in my heart. I feel so empty and even tho I love myself, […]
I really don’t know what to do I am
in a such a bad way mentally right everything is getting on top of me and I cannot cope with anymore shit. Every time I am in one of these low moods my parents blame and tell me to get over it, my grandma fellas to constantly pull myself together, my friend keeps telling me to call crisis and when i do I get nothing then he suggests I call Rachel or Jenny my cpn and mental health worker. I am in such a bad way right now I feel like actually ending it as as the […]
Everything is too much. I’ve been wanting to kill myself for so long, but I owe it to my family to make sure that it’s peaceful for them. I’m not financially stable enough for that. I really just feel like the only reason I ever save money is so I can die while still helping others. Why do I want to help? It’s stupid. I’m not needed. I’m useless and even when I try I fuck everything up. I don’t even know whether my family will miss me because they love and need me or if they’d simply be unused to my absence at first.