Tomorrow is the day. I’m sitting here making a mental note of the final things I need to do. I’ve taken out the trash, I’ll finish the laundry in the morning. I’ve set my phone to send out Fathers Day messages automatically. The refrigerator is empty except cases of water and some lemons. I wanted to have all these documents shredded but didn’t get around to it guess I’ll pack them up and shoot an email to my attorney that he should collect them and properly dispose. I wanted to donate my body to science but they don’t accept suicides. I still need to write a letter to my niece she’s really the only one I’m concerned about in all of this. I’m hoping the method I’ve chosen doesn’t result in too much pain. I considered buying handcuffs and cuffing myself to the bed so that even if I wanted to call for help I can’t. Maybe I’ll find handcuffs at Walmart. Its almost time.
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You are sad. and this makes me sad. I have been sad, this sad, before. I have tried to kill myself and wound up waking up the next day wishing I hadn’t done it. I wish you could feel okay talking to me, even if all you did was vent your hurts and frustrations. I will listen. I may not be able to HELP
but I an always “listen”. mommapuddin@aol.com
I don’t even want help anymore. But thank you. I just want to go. Its better this way.
Are you sure this the thing you wish to do, sounds so adamant. I kind of wish this would be a final call for help. Is it? You must have some other path to venture through – this can´t be the only one.
I know I have no idea what you must have endured in your life, but isn´t there anything to hold you back; nieces and nephews whom you told about earlier. Aren´t they worth the fight. You could be their greatest external support in life – you know the one whom they could always trust and talk to. Remember, life is precious and things are bound to change – hopefully for the better.
I just wish the God you´d have some spark left to check at least till the end of summer and see if things would get better. Can I ask why you are now at this point? What is the obstacle you can´t defeat; your past, your mind and thoughts or perhaps the future or all of them are now just colliding into a desperate situation without an exit in sight.
But whatever you decide to do, I hope an peaceful ending for you or a better future. Take care and best wishes. If you wish to talk I´m here…we are here.
And “he”/”she”/”it” is listening. He is TRYING to help. YOu just need to “listen” back…there are those that he has put here for you…
There are no more options.
Brokengirl, hi. I understand your in pain.t maaybe we could talk first?
I’m all talked out. There’s nothing left to talk about.
There are always options, my sweet, young, cyber friend. I don’t believe you’re all talked out…I believe you haven’t said the right things to the right people. Best of luck to you either way.
What are the right things? Told the therapist how I was feeling she diagnosed me MDD and said I needed to be on antidepressants then put me on a waiting list to begin therapy. Told my Dr she wanted to send me to a crisis center but instead gave me prozac. Took myself to the ER told them I wanted to die. They took all my belongings away, posted a cop outside my room, sent a therapist in who talked to me and I was back at home still feeling the same within maybe four hours. I’ve told my family. I’ve told pastors. No one seems to get it. So what am I saying wrong?
ask me about my method of choice. it’s called DUTA. found out about it through extensive research…what does that innocent acronym stand for u may ask? hmm? Dildo Up The Ass aka DUTA is a relatively painless method that guarantees results. ensure the KY jelly is handy then go to town. in all seriousness I ask that u don’t do it. hopefully I put a little smile on your face via DUTA but am asking that u reconsider and give yourself another week, day or even hour if u can’t manage that. you may be broken but that doesn’t negate your beauty and value. or dictate that you’re beyond repair for that matter. please stay.
Ok, Brokengirl, i have to confess. I want to die. I envy you. please dont go yet. stay in misery with me a little longer. I want to know more about what brought you to this choice. The same choice im going to make. Im trying to understand people like us a little better before i die.
There are always options unless you have a terminal illness, such as an incurable cancer or similar.
Please tell us something about why you´ve come to this point? The post you made is in a sense call for help and you just commented on the other post how you´d wish that God would help you, rescue you and fix you.
You must feel awful and are in a very desperate situation right now. You want help, please talk to us. We care, people care, you are a precious and worth a lot to people around you.
I wish there were a way we could send a hug just to hold and cry..Until all of the worry and pain and burden simply washed away.. I feel so alone and I have an entire family here.. I feel as though my friends are no longer there or acknowledge my existance but on truth they prpbably have their own things they are dealing with.. I set a date once.. Wrote everything down and my husband figured out something was going on and I finally broke down and told him.. I dont know what tomorrow holds amd sometimes I wish I would have gpne thru with it but just this year I have lost about 15 people.. 4 suicides and most drug and alcohol related.. Your niece or nephew will be completely broken amd wonder why…and what they could have done differently.. may god bless you and keep you
My heart goes out to you, a warm hug to you Brokengirl79,
hope I could take all your pain and suffering away with my death, but all is hopeless.
Have peace and all the best, hoping to hear from you soon.
“Write it on your heart
that every day is the best day in the year.
He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day
who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in.
Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit
to be cumbered with your old nonsense.
This new day is too dear,
with its hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on the yesterdays.â€
― Ralph Waldo Emerson, Collected Poems and Translations
You’re all very kind. However I have bought into the one more day idea one too many times. Nineteen years later and the pain is worse than before. My story… sexually abused by my father many years, no support from my family even though my father admitted, anal rape from a man I ran to in order to escape my father, my life is broken. I don’t want to wake up anymore. I have no one. I sit in my apt all day every day completely alone. I get out once a month to go to the store. I have NO friends. No human contact other than the internet and I don’t care to go through this anymore. There are at least 100 pills here in my apt antidepressants, oxy, muscle relaxers, bp, I’m going to grind them all up together tomorrow morning and down them with isopropyl alcohol.
wondering why you chose the day you chose. i always think about the date on my tombstone.
My Father killed me a long time ago. I figured Fathers Day was appropriate
I can´t express how sorry I am for the fact that you have been abused, and have had to live in that kind of an environment. Those scars will be there forever and the pain must be growing ever faster if you can´t set your mind into somewhere else every now and then. Do you have hobbies, any interests, anything you enjoy doing – something that gives you any pleasure and maybe some joy to your heart even in these dark times? Also something enabling you to cope with the past.
What has happened has, but you can control your life and thoughts; don’t let your life go away so easily – I am not underestimating or diminishing your feelings in any way here. I have no experiences of abuse so I can´t imagine how horrifying it must be. But I know that whatever has happened in the past can be forgiven and forgotten – no matter how harsh it may sound. Without it you will dwell these things your whole life.
And you must also find a new way to recover your self-esteem and self-worthiness, you matter, are a lovable, likable and deserve all the joy and happiness in your heart in the future. This may sound futile and may seem like I have no idea – I don´t claim to ever have known anything, but just trying to encourage you to go on. Your future may hold so much wonderful things still, I bet you can´t even imagine how much good fortune might be on your way – lurking just around the corner.
You are in a tunnel now with no vision, but do not throw away the flashlight – your only hope of survival. Keep searching for that little beam of light in that darkened cavern. But do not despair, you have friends that may help and guide you, and they could spare a light with which you can find a way out of that hellhole.
If you´d like to talk later some more perhaps even in private, I´ll give you my email. Take care again, and hoping to hear gain from you soon.
Email: pete.finnila@netti.fi
it sounds like you’ve been slowly erasing yourself for a long time, brokengirl.
i’d offer to be your friend for a few hours, but i’m not really a friendly person.
Well, you’re my friend, (that’s what you told me)
And can you see (what’s inside of me)
Many times we’ve been out drinking
And many times we’ve shared our thoughts
But did you ever, ever notice, the kind of thoughts I got
Well you know I have a love, a love for everyone I know
And you know I have a drive to live I won’t let go
But could you see its opposition comes arising up sometimes
That its dreadful antiposition comes blacking in my mind
And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
And did you know how much I love you
Is a hope that somehow you, you
Can save me from this darkness
(on repeat)
Are you sure you can’t donate your body to science? What about the hospital? Maybe your hospital could use your organs and possibly save someone else’s life?
I’m not gonna talk you out of what you’re planning on doing.. To be honest with you, I’m considering it myself down the road so.. Do what you gotta do, seems like you’ve made your decision, I wish you a smooth and painless end.
I wanted my body to go to science all the programs I called said they don’t take suicides. I desperately don’t want my family to have my body. I thought about setting myself on fire but I’ve been in too much pain to die painfully. It will be at least 24 hours before my body is discovered I doubt the hospital will be able to use my organs. I’m going to blast my ac to keep my body cold maybe that might help. Idk. Whatever the case 7pm is when I plan to enter the eternal rest.
I can´t express how sorry I am for the fact that you have been abused, and have had to live in that kind of an environment. Those scars will be there forever and the pain must be growing ever faster if you can´t set your mind into somewhere else every now and then. Do you have hobbies, any interests, anything you enjoy doing – something that gives you any pleasure and maybe some joy to your heart even in these dark times? Also something enabling you to cope with the past.
What has happened has, but you can control your life and thoughts; don’t let your life go away so easily – I am not underestimating or diminishing your feelings in any way here. I have no experiences of abuse so I can´t imagine how horrifying it must be. But I know that whatever has happened in the past can be forgiven and forgotten – no matter how harsh it may sound. Without it you will dwell these things your whole life.
And you must also find a new way to recover your self-esteem and self-worthiness, you matter, are a lovable, likable and deserve all the joy and happiness in your heart in the future. This may sound futile and may seem like I have no idea – I don´t claim to ever have known anything, but just trying to encourage you to go on. Your future may hold so much wonderful things still, I bet you can´t even imagine how much good fortune might be on your way – lurking just around the corner.
You are in a tunnel now with no vision, but do not throw away the flashlight – your only hope of survival. Keep searching for that little beam of light in that darkened cavern. But do not despair, you have friends that may help and guide you, and they could spare a light with which you can find a way out of that hellhole.
If you´d like to talk later some more perhaps even in private, I´ll give you my email. Take care again, and hoping to hear gain from you soon.
This comment might come as a double so sorry for that.
My story is very similar to yours, so at least here you are not alone. I will share it soon. I didn’t find the courage yet, but I will soon.
I don’t go out anymore either and am terrified of being seen…. The Internet is my only contact too. You are not alone here.
I’m alone. I long for human contact and yet I’m terrified of it.
girl79–
(Don’t want to use your full handle because I don’t want you to feel broken anymore.)
Hey, please don’t do it because you are worth so much more than this. If you do this you will be sorely missed and leave a void in the universe.
You are obviously caring and loving and conscientious.
Care for and love yourself. It is the burden of memory / pain / turmoil / shame / guilt / … that you must destroy, not YOURSELF.
You are good. You are worth saving.
I have known many survivors of all kinds and you are strong even though you don’t fully appreciate it. You can also find those good things you feel have slipped away; your life is not over unless you abandon it and, yes, you can find love, friendship, sustenance.
I don’t want you to be sick/hurt tomorrow, please. I understand too well why you chose June 15 because it is a hard day to stomach for too many.
<3 & peace & hope,
meg / 77nearlyheaven
Are you sure that’s even going to work? I’m guessing you’re going to throw up and just feel shitty for a day. Let’s think about this for a moment.
I will not allow myself to throw up. I intend for this to work. I’m grinding the pills into powder and mixing it into just enough liquid to make it go down smooth.
hey brokengirl i wish i could actualy go through my plains of suicide, i still want to. I’ll have to do it soon before my youngest brother is old enough to love me and remember me i’m sorry you were raped i was abused as a child as well I also want love but as you know all to well its hard to love someone like us love you bye
hey brokengirl i wish i could actually go through my plains of suicide, i still want to. I’ll have to do it soon before my youngest brother is old enough to love me and remember me i’m sorry you were raped i was abused as a child as well I also want love but as you know all to well its hard to love someone like us love you bye also please don’t do it i cant be guilty of knowing someone was going to kill them self and i didn’t stop them please don’t your family members are assholes except your niece please don’t kill yourself i know i’m no survivor whose life is great now and i know it feels like none loves you just please don’t please please please dont
This actually made me cry. I hope you know your father was dead before he did those things to you, I don’t know if that would make you feel any differently. I hope I’m not too late leaving this post, but I’m afraid to wonder.
My mother committed suicide in 1976 when I was 10 years old and my sister was 6. These days, I drive by the cemetery where she is buried on my way back and forth to work every day. This is on a busy street full of traffic and noise. I usually get stuck in front of this cemetery waiting for the light to change. So occasionally I’ll glance over at that place that my misguided mother voluntarily surrendered herself to 38 years ago. Its always foreboding, especially in the winter, when its cold and the snow covers the graves. No flowers or ornaments decorate the graves that time of year. It occurred to me that most of the people in there are forgotten about. Not because they were not loved, but because of the passage of time. My mother has been dead so long, that its almost like she never even lived at all. She was loved, but her life is lost and her memory is, too.
I know that none of us, regardless of the amount of pain we are in, actually “wants” this death. The cemetery is not a place anyone wants to be. What we all want is just be freed from the pain, and that is possible. But suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. My mother was just 28 years old, today she would have been 66! Instead, she’s rotting away in the cemetery I pass each day on my to work. What a waste.
I would hang out with you broken girl. I love you. I hope your chains of misery are lifted and you can function a little better. I myself was sexually abused as a child . Im a male . He was a neighbor. If you ever want to talk im here !
Hi, i am sorry for what you have been through. I cannot imagine what it would have been like to be in your shoes, and what its like now. I am very sad. If you decide to end your life, i hope you find peace in death.
BrokenGirl, you don’t know me. I am just another person who saw the beauty of your soul reflected in your lovely yet heartbreaking post. You really have a way with words, and it is a pity that we will have to lose you. I couldn’t stop reading your post once I started, and that is rare for me on this site.
I’m not here to tell you not to go through with your plan. Death really is the best option for a lot of us. I just want to wish you peace on your journey, wherever you end up. Just know that you touched me, as you did the many people who posted here before me.