I get told I’m fat. I weigh 130 with a height of 5’6.5″ I now eat small portions, try not to eat anything in between meals, and I go to bed at night and dream of the food I could eat. I get up from the table and feel so hungry. I want to eat so much more but I can’t let myself eat. I have a congressional debate meet this friday-saturday. We can’t wear bracelets…. I will be so vulnerable I’m not looking forward to it. I got told today that I work too hard and need to stop trying so hard. I study […]
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trying
I thought about it again. Taking all my pills at once. About cutting, Mum is slamming me again and my sister cant stop finding out my flaws. The kids at school just can’t stop after they saw me flirting with Mary. I want it all to end. I don’t want to let Her down but I feel hopeless. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like something isn’t right with me. Maybe I’m just paranoid though. My grades are slipping and I’m trying to keep them up. I have to get all A’s. Otherwise homelife is more like life in Hell. I […]
Where do you go when you have so many problems that you dont fit in anywhere? No meaning to my life. No love. No one. Mercury poisoned and severely damaged. Multiple Chemical Sensitivity drives me to the wilds. Isolation even in crowds. Disabling anxiety, the slightest sound makes me jump inside. Completely disillusioned with society. Unwilling to support slavery and destruction of the earth and her creatures for my own survival… Not much left as i see it…. Not necessarily trying to die, but dont really see a way to live in this toxic wasteland. Soon to be homeless. […]
I’m trying so hard to reclaim my mind from self harm. It’s been five days since I last cut. The first two were okay. The third hard after these kids at school were….. Well they were them. The fourth worse. I was at my best friends birthday party when one of our friends invited a guy. (It was supposed to be just eight of us girls) I was okay at first, then he got out of his car. I got a bad feeling. Immediately after he got out of his car. I was scared. I hid. With my friends I stayed the farthest away from […]
I’m still trying to find the courage to jump. Jumping is like all I have left to try. Can’t bleed, tried it, got gnarly scars. Can’t OD, too much risk of survival. Want to try the exit bag, but I’ve heard that the success rate is less than favorable. I don’t want to jump. I want to die pretty, and I need my family to know that I’m gone. I don’t want them to worry and wonder if I just disappear and die out in the middle of nowhere. I can’t do that to them.
I don’t want to jump…. I thought about hanging, too, but […]
You ever feel so empty that you begin to suck yourself into this abyss? You wish you could blame them and sometimes you do; but there’s always that tiny little voice that reminds you that it’s actually your fault, that you did this to yourself. And you know that voice is a LIE; you scream it to yourself everyday that that voice is trying to push you past the point of no return, but the voice sounds so right that eventually you think of the nearby overpass and wonder if it would hurt if you fell. And the most stupid thing about all this is […]
If anyone takes the time to read this I really do appreciate it.
Well I feel as if the best place to start is as a child in my childhood I was a last born child having two brothers older than I my oldest being fathers one and only care and the second my mothers I wouldn’t say I was abused by them or ignored but when I tell other people about what happened with me they seem to think I was it was just stuff like my brothers do something they don’t receive punishment and I get the world thrown upon me and such and […]
Is there anyone here who is sometimes just tired even of trying to die. Sometimes i just don’t feel anything anymore. I feel like I’m frozen then.
I assemble pieces of me life together every morning. Pieces that are so fragile I’m afraid they won’t last for long. They don’t even fit well anymore. There are so many pieces missing,lost some where along the way.
I go through life carefully trying to keep the pieces together.
And every night as I get home the pieces silently fall apart. Maybe tomorrow there will be no more pieces left to assmble.
What does it mean to love?
I have been alive for 20 years and I don’t know what it feels like. I have been trying to describe this feeling to myself but i feel like i can’t.
To love someone, and to be loved. Not just in a romantic way, but with family and friends.
Like, if you were to ask me if I loved my parents or if they loved me i would say yes, not because i understand this feeling. Just because its the right answer.
A close friend of mine used to cut like myself. But she stopped when she found her boyfriend. It’s like when […]
We are just a bunch of depressed people trying to help each other. I thought I was getting better, I stopped crying as much, I started becoming a little happier. Now I’m in my bedroom crying my eyes out on my bed. My bed faces a mirror, i hate looking into the mirror. Whenever, things get hard I say to myself “i wanna go home,” even when i’m inside my own house. I’ve realized I havent found home yet. Not even close.
Last year was the worst year of my life… I lost my daughter after 8 months of pregnancy and she was everything to me. Ive been suicidal since I was 9 years old and didnt know how to act on it before this point . After my daughter died I tried everything in the book for attempted suicides which all failed and yet im still trying to end my life every second I get. I try to live everyday but just cant because the pain is to much for me to handle I cant seem get a grip on my life but just the thought of […]
“…No Hate”
There’s a few people who are hating me based on something they weren’t there to witness for themselves — they weren’t there, yet they take the word of a woman who is obviously trying to hurt me for how honest I was.
Honesty. I’m brutally honest with everyone I encounter on this forum, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I expect that everyone here is tired of being patronized, bullied, and abused overall by their public. Someone like me should be like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. Not treated like filth. There hasn’t been any evidence of what she claimed […]
We are dying everyday;
Some of us wake up just to do the same routine, some of us try to change it up a bit, and some of us don’t wake up. I get frustrated when I go to do something and then I find it to be futile just because I think about it to hard and realize, what does it matter? I’m going to die anyway; be that in the next five years or the next five minutes. People always go on to say, “Oh life isnt fair,” but it is, what isn’t fair is that we think life owes us something. “Life is […]
I’ve been strangling myself with a belt, all day and night. I try so hard to keep it on, but things call me out of my room and I can’t walk out with it around my neck. I don’t want to live but I want to go out this way, as I just relax and watch something until I fade out. I know if I don’t go soon, I’ll lose everything again.
I cant swim. Everything consumes me. I take every comment or action against me as a declaration of dislike. I dead end myself trying to get over anything. The grief and helplessness is a salve to my conscious. I see right through people. Their lives so empty. Doing such superficial things. I dont know how to involve myself in anything superficial. I cant be meaningless. I therefore don’t do anything and hate myself for it. My family loves me. But where I want to go they will never support. They are the only people in my life. The girl I love. I keep doubting myself […]
I’ve had enough. I’m done trying to prove myself. Or trying to please you. “Listen here you little *****,” is that what I am to you? A *****? I stopped being your daughter years ago. Even before I truly realized it. You thought I was messing with your head then? I’m not sick like you. The whole damn family knew you cared more about your boyfriends then you did me. “I’ve written my resignation letter twice Cierra!” Wanna know how many times I’ve written my suicide letter? I deserve to be treated better. I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t clean my room well enough? […]
I wanted to do it. I was convinced I was going to take my life. I was devastated. Things had been moving in a positive direction since I last posted, but I knew it was only an amount of time before things came crumbling down. I quit my job. I hadn’t planned on doing it the way I did, but I lost my mind. Things were so bad there, I quit because my managers wouldn’t do anything to help me. No matter how many times I asked for help with a co worker they let it slide and made it out like it was my […]
I can’t take this depression anymore and I’m trying to stay positive but it’s so hard and I’m always surround by people that love me but yet I feel so alone. I’ve been depressed for 5 years and it has gotten better through the years but this week it has gotten so much worse that I can’t take it anymore. I know I will be hurting a lot of people but they get better during time cause time heals everything. And i’m sorry I can’t be strong enough.
I felt dirty so I went to take a shower. Took off my clothes and waited for the water to warm up. As I entered the shower within a few minutes I entered the land of thoughts and memories. Sinking in those purifying water, I couldn’t straighten my thoughts to be less unholy. I thought, then I thought and thought again. Is soon, well, soon?
Before that, I was out. There was a couple there, married. Seemed happy. They have two kids and a house in the suburbs. I don’t know them. I only talked to them about nothing important. But I was talking to myself, questioning how does […]