Haven’t slept in two days. Not depressed, just I get insomnia sometimes. I lie awake in bed with my eyes closed for several hours until my alarm goes off. So work was hard today. But I love my job. I thought about suicide for the first time in months today, but not with much conviction. I didn’t really want to die, not like before, but it just felt like it would be easier. I’ve stopped feeling depression (along with every other complex emotion) thanks to sertraline. It’s been such a long time since I felt happy our scared or angry or ashamed or sad. I […]
Tag:
trying
Seriously – if there was something to look forward to that made enduring the pain of bending my hips, back and knees to put my clothes on before work worth enduring but there isn’t.
If I was only just a little comfortable in my own skin so I felt like I deserved to have someone waiting for me at the end of the day to soothe me and hold me again but I don’t.
If I could rest, I mean really rest when I sleep instead of tossing and turning all night long trying to stay one step ahead of the pain and waking to […]
I’m 35, but I’ve been battling with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was a child. I was fat and smart in school. A perfect candidate for ridicule. Which I endured. Home wasn’t much better. My 2 brothers didn’t like me, and my mother is an alcoholic. My father worked all the time and when ever my mom and I would fight, and I tried to talk to my dad about it, I would be told not to since, because I was “trying to pit him against his wife, and she would win every time.” I ran away. When I […]
…Once you realize this, life becomes a bit easier to bear. The truth is, whether you asked to exist or not doesn’t matter. Whether you have a loving family, a good circle of friends, and a boy/girlfriend doesn’t matter. If you’re poor and suffer from some physical impairment, that also doesn’t matter. Why not, you ask?
Simply because life isn’t fair. Some people are born ahead of others, whether they’re subjectively ‘good’ people or not. Some people just suffer their whole lives for no reason at all.
The universe doesn’t give a fuck about your happiness. So if you’ve been holding out and hoping things are going […]
I am on the track team. At a meet, we are only allowed to run in 4 events. I run in five or as many as my coach will let me.
Most people think about winning while they are running. I think about weight loss.
I can’t walk after I run. My legs won’t work right. I stumble around and try to regain my coordination. I can barely stand but I refuse to let myself sit down due to the fact that if after you run, you sit, your legs tighten up and it makes it difficult to run again. the faster you run, the more weight […]
I’ve been through this before. I thought I was done feeling like this. When I was in sixth grade, I stayed up late to slit my wrists as soon as I heard my parents’ bedroom door close. I cried myself to sleep each and every night. I had a boyfriend and I knew he loved me. Or as close as love got in sixth grade. He was going through the same thing. Except he had and addiction to drugs. Whenever he cut, Â I would Too. I wanted to feel his pain. Maybe I thought it would cut his pain in half. I don’t know.
I continued […]
As bad as I want to die I haven’t given in yet. I’m trying really hard to make it through the next 8 weeks until my trip, it’s the only thing might save me. I want to wait until after it to make my final decision. I’m trying and fighting, even though it’s causing me unbearable pain in the process.
I might not get through the 8 weeks though, I’m barely getting through the days. I quit my job so I just sleep my days away and drink at night, but thankfully I got my Ambien prescription filled today so maybe I can sleep at night. […]
It took me awhile to realize that I only ever come on this site when ever I’m down. I wish I could come here just ONCE and say “hey am doing well ” and I though that I was.. I think I’ve been doing good. I mean I haven’t been cutting my self. But am sad all the time. A while back I was sitting in my room cutting my self in the dark. And my mom walked in. So I took the razor and shoved it under my pillow and all she did was. Sat on the bed. Pulled me into her […]
So I disappointed my folks again
I can’t seem to do anything right
i feel like nothing ever goes right for me
why does the nice guy have to finish last
maybe u should stop trying and end it all
I’m such a failure
I don’t believe that I lack all strength. I just don’t have enough to do anything with my opportunities. I don’t want to wake up, and I don’t want to look for jobs, and I don’t want to get a new job or keep mine. I don’t want to go outside. I don’t want to talk to people, even family. I don’t want to get a paycheck. I don’t want to have a home. I don’t want to call this nice young lady I’m dating. I don’t want to go to dinner tonight. I don’t want to act or play music or teach or be […]
i’ve given up.
i just don’t try anymore in life.
don’t try in friendships.
don’t try in my relationship with my parents.
don’t try in school.
don’t try to succeed.
don’t try in life.
it just isn’t even worth it. can someone help me? i just don’t know what’s worth trying for anymore.
i need some encouragement to keep moving or i might just stop…
Im new here .. and I need help , I have issues with my dad. He doesnt seem to care at all . My family thinks that he is a good dad, but they just dont see how he really is with me . Hes a dad i probably consider as a father. I havnt been able to focus on school because of this.Im doing horrible, but i am trying my best to make my dad happy , but i always fail, he thinks im perfect .Im not. Is anybody else going through the same thing ? with a broken family ?
I just don’t care enough to live anymore. Yes, I realize that life isn’t always good. Sometimes you go through hardships because it strengthens you and you learn from your mistakes. But I honestly feel as if I have gone through much more bad than good and it doesn’t ever seem as if things will get better despite the fact that I am trying. So why keep trying? Yeah, I might have it better off than some people. I also have it worse than others. And we’ll all die one day anyway… and it doesn’t matter if you’ve lived a life you wanted to live […]
Well, it’s been two and a half months and I still can’t walk, I’ve been trying to convince myself that my leg will heal, but no progress yet, and I’m literally in enough pain that it’s keeping me from eating, I may lose my job because I can’t work, I may actually lose the ability to walk without some form of assistance, my disability checks stopped and I can’t get ahold of anyone I need to to start them up again, and I need to get $1500 together by june, which I could do if I skipped meals and was receiving some form of an […]
So my dad’s found about my self-harm and suicidal stuff
And I have to go a counselor every Tuesday
Does this mean everythings starting to heal? Or will everything I’ve been trying to build (my life) crumble back to dust back when I first got depressed? This is probably my paranoia, Â just don’t know what’s gonna happen
I feel like I can get better, but my family is constantly fighting and it gets so bad I have to actually leave for hours at a time so I can just get away, I’m lucky I don’t pass anything I can use for self-harm, I don’t even know […]
She’s the reason I’m alive… My girlfriend. But it feels like the whole world is trying to keep us apart. When I see her smile, I smile. When I kiss her, the whole world disappears. When I’m with her, I’m at peace. But, no matter what my parents think, my friends think, my family thinks. She’s the reason I’m alive. Another girl broke up with me (before this girl) and I really cared about her. We only lasted a month, but I still cared greatly. When we split, I wanted to die. All those suicidal thoughts I had forgotten about for 3 years, came rushing […]
So for awhile now I’ve been trying to hold on, and I know what I need to do is call a suicide hotline, but today right after school I caught myself looking at pill bottles, freaking pill bottles to see if  a side effect was death.
I just don’t know anymore.
Their is this one girl who I like, and she likes me, and we tell everything to each other. She knows about my depression, self harm and suicide attempt and thoughts, but I don’t think I can ever tell her about today.
Feels like the only place I can freely talk about this stuff […]
Last week I felt pretty bad, and for some reason I asked my crush of a couple years ago why she didn’t like me. I know, stupid. But anyways, turns out her cousin which I knew as well had a crush on me and that’s why she wouldn’t date me, because she didn’t want to upset her cousin. Wtf? I mean, girls never like me, that’s like general knowledge. And this one damn time it actually happens, it ruins everything. Not that I would want to blame her cousin, she cant control it as much as I cant. But why? Am I so unlucky? Is […]
Ever been so emotionally hurt by someone, that you just sit in your bed, facing the wall, trying to breath because you’re crying so hard?
So I woke up this morning, and decided I want to be better. Easier said then done, but I’m going to start trying now. I see myself in a better life, better situations and I’m going to work hard for it now.
Bring it on severe depression, I’m finally ready to fight you.