Why am i afraid of love? I enjoy talking to her and bonding but for some reason i can’t allow myself to get past a certain stage with women. It’s like the initial spark is easy to take in, however i can never make it something serious. I always cut myself off from these connections naturally. Its not because i want to but i do it because i fear of what it could turn out to be. The tought of being in love with somebody sounds nice but it also scares me. I think I’m afraid of allowing myself to be happy with someone and […]
Tag:
Vulnerability
Hello,
Thanks for taking the time to read this post. I have been thinking about shame and guilt. What I’ve noticed so far that I have done some terrible things in my life as a result of shame. I have intense suicidal thoughts due to shame. Shame, meaning I am a bad person and guilt meaning I have bad behaviors.
At times, I think people use shame and guilt interchangeably, which is detrimental to someone who struggles with mental illness. I have a lot of shame. I am shameful of my ethnic background, I am shameful of my behaviors and people I’ve hurt. There’s several things wrong […]
Its actually possible to coax yourself into cardiac arrest through careful meditation if you are trying to die.
You sit, with you eyes closed, and try to enduce what many people call an anxiety attack, or what i see as trying to remember where you were before you animated your body.
As a baby i can remember categorizing every experience i had, and knowing that whatever i was in-my body- was a highly advanced prison, designed to fool me into keep myself inside it.
I can remember taking account of and noticing my breathe, how many times i had inhaled and realizing that if i didn’t stop immediately […]
I just caved and wrote to the wrong person.
It had been a while, but i know that writing is at best futile, and at worst, potentially problem-causing.
But just the other day, i had a series of “seemingly connected experiences,” which resulted in… memories, thoughts, feelings i just couldn’t shake, and they wanted control… and i lost that battle. Maybe i forfeited. Maybe i hate my vulnerability so much that i lash out at any little thing that might expose or exploit it. When something is going to hit you where it hurts, the only “right way” to react, is to “go all in,” and either […]
I’m not sure why I feel compelled to share my story, but for whatever reason I’m not sure I can stop myself from typing these words. But I will try to keep to details to a minimum and will just cover the most important aspects to keep this short. In high school I was an introverted nerd, but the first year actually turned out to the best, and it was only downhill from there. I had large ears and a stutter, the latter of which would often limit the conversations and connections and I could have with other people. In grade eight I started to […]
I realize that I got ahead of myself in the last post, left out some key points…. left out reasons why. At this point I sat down in class, this stuff I have not shared….I had enough of being a freak show for one day. I go to school with about 100 students…. I am the youngest there…. only a baby…. only 18. I moved away from my family to go to school. I wanted to be happy, I was free of the shadows and pressures that suffocated me day after day. I wasn’t happy, I never was. I didn’t know anyone, so I didn’t […]
Are you okay with this part?
Are you okay with my heart?
Are you okay with the scars?
The once perfect ghost studded with stars
Open skies ripped the night apart
So if I kissed you on the cheek
Would you push me into you?
If I held you close to me
Would you push me to choose?
I don’t wanna mess this up
If this exists at all
I don’t want to move too fast
But I don’t want to be alone
So if I tried would they talk?
Would you break me?
Don’t you wanna break me?
They all wanted to hurt me
Steal what I […]
More often than not, I think about what really drives me to wake up every morning. Is it the fact that my mom, a beautiful image of a once glamorous singer, wakes me up to kiss me and bring me breakfast in bed every morning? Is it my adorable boyfriend who still spits the image of an angelic baby, yet strikes me as a mature young man? Is it the compliments I get from my teachers each time a class would end? I really don’t know. All I know is that I haven’t really been happy. For the past year, I’ve woken up to the […]
If you don’t take away anything else by the time you finish reading this entry, then I hope you at least will take away this one thought that could perhaps be the greatest revelation in your life which you don’t even know about yet; and it’s this…………………………
YOU. MATTER.
Your problems matter. And someone out there does love you even when you think you’ve been rejected, hit rock bottom, and can no longer find comfort in living.
…Hey, been there. Done that. I have the scars on the inside and out to prove it….and no, I don’t care for a repeat either because as much as it lingers […]
Many of us have been told, “Your problems aren’t that bad. They don’t add up to suicide,†or, “If you only took 15 pills, you weren’t really serious.â€
We have a condition that causes others to feel uncomfortable. They reduce their discomfort by using denial, belittlement and minimization on the seriousness of our situation. While most of this denial is due to their fear concerning the possibility of our death, a part of it has another source. They may also have had or be afraid of having bad periods in their own lives, and their denial on our vulnerability to […]