I’m not a smoker, but a cigarette with coffee hits the spot sometimes. I like the way I get spun up on nicotine and caffeine since I hardly ever have either.
It lifts my lazy depression and maybe…..just maybe will be enough to get where I’m destined to go tonight.
Really don’t want to see another morning
That’s all I fucking do. Why am I here? Because I have to take care of my Mother, because I don’t want to upset my brother. And what happens when I tell my brother how I feel? He uses my niece as an emotional bargaining chip. ‘Oh,’ he says, ‘don’t you want to stay alive to see her grow up?’
He doesn’t get it. How could he? It’s his fault I feel this way. The beatings, the emotional abuse, the sense of powerlessness and just being trapped. I’m 26 and I don’t feel alive, I never had a childhood or a real life, I’m just the […]
I can’t remember how I got to this point where I don’t want to carry on.
I thought I was getting better but my wrist are raw and bloody and my tears taste of salt.
Gradually and then suddenly is what I tell the few who notice.
It’s like waking up one morning, afraid you’re going to live.
All i really want to do now is go to sleep forever. IV always been useless and ugly. I am never going to get anywhere in life so what is the point in living. The only reason i am still alive is because my death would upset a few people to much. Iv let my mum down who brought me up all by herself and wasted her life to try and give me the best she could. People tell me im a lovely person but that doesn’t matter. Just want to be normal and not ugly and to have a tiny bit of success in […]
The  weird curiosity of what would happen if I kept on living or simply shoot myself struggled within me until today.
I have been an observer for quite some time and I would like to share how depression influenced me into the right path.
At the age of 14 depression began showing signs.
I started smoking weed, having sex, drinking and cutting myself. I did what I thought would be best to numb an utterly terrifying feeling of hopelessness and emptiness. I was a lost introvert desperately trying to keep my head up but dove in instead.
High school was a living hell. I would feel miserable as if […]
One thing I would love, to make everything easier, would be if everyone forgot I existed.
Because then I could die without causing anyone pain.
-Mention one thing you would want to  make everything “easier”.
I lost my father to suicide and harbor no harsh feelings toward him for what he did. He was in pain, depressed, unable to break away from alcohol and drug addiction and the worst part to him was the IRS said he owed $50,000 in back taxes and he had no idea why. Turns out after his death the IRS informed us he really didn’t owe anything, in fact, they owed him! A sickening feeling that was. The IRS was the first mention in his suicide note. They killed my father just as much as he killed himself…but I digress…Now I stand in his place, […]
i just want to cut so bad, i can even see the exact places i’ll do it. my hands shake when i’m not holding something, my skin crawls, and itch that can’t be satisfied. a thirst that wont be quenched. i need to cut. but i’m afraid to even get up. because i know exactly where something is. and if by some chance it’s not there, i know where a lighter is. a burn would last longer, hurt more. give more of a release. but i can’t. it’s wrong, forbidden
wow… i failed once again and im back in the hospital…i dont remember how i got here. All i remember was taking a bottle of pills and then trying to drown myself… then i wake up in the hospital. I remember hearing screaming but then i blacked out again. Next time i need to make sure that door will STAY CLOSED. I wish they had never found me. I wish i was dead. I dont want to be here anymore. Im sick of getting teased all the time. Im sick of guys using me. Im done with them fucking with my feelings. I WANT […]
Today my father finally texted me after weeks have gone by. I don’t think I’ve looked at him for a month or two now, but he finally texted me that he loved me and hopes I’m doing well.
Oh yeah I’m doing great. Just got one foot in the grave, that’s all. These nice long cuts in my leg are just beautiful. Want to proof read these suicide notes I wrote since you’re such a hotshot writer with a published book?
But you don’t come upstairs to look me in the face, do you? And you say you “care”?
Hahaha, oh boy. Don’t bother to see me now […]
I hate how after all this time, i still can’t find the courage to
try it with someone else. Because of you, i find it hard to trust
everyone around me as i think that they will just leave me like you
did.You broke all your promises and i’m scared that everyone else
will too. I’ve learnt to play on the safe side so i don’t get hurt.
Im scared of getting hurt again, of just being left broken again.
i just don’t know how to let anyone else in, I’ve tried my hardest
to just forget everything, all our memories, but […]
Haven’t slept in two days. Not depressed, just I get insomnia sometimes. I lie awake in bed with my eyes closed for several hours until my alarm goes off. So work was hard today. But I love my job. I thought about suicide for the first time in months today, but not with much conviction. I didn’t really want to die, not like before, but it just felt like it would be easier. I’ve stopped feeling depression (along with every other complex emotion) thanks to sertraline. It’s been such a long time since I felt happy our scared or angry or ashamed or sad. I […]
So, I was filling out my application for my possession and acquisition license (gun license, yay Canada!), and it turns out I need two references, people who have known me for at least three years.
I don’t know anybody except co-workers and I’m not going to ask them. Even if I did have people I could ask, I don’t want them to know that I’m in the process of acquiring a firearm.
Guess I’m going to have to make up a couple references, which is probably a federal offense, and hope they don’t check on my references. I doubt they check the references of every application, and […]
Can’t seem to find that tiny spot of silence inside my head tonight. Thoughts swimming around and around on repeat. Why is it when you are at your lowest the easiest of things are so hard? Sleep is not usually a stranger to me. I can sleep through anything just to get to the next moment. I use sleep as a barrier to keep me from having to face real life. So what happens when sleep doesn’t come? I go deeper and deeper into the place I so want to hide from. Face to face with every memory I try so hard to forget. Even […]
So I made a post of burial sites (asking which was your style) which I quickly learned everybody would prefer to be cremated. Â So now I will post the urns.
Or if you want to be scattered into a hurricane like clevername (not a bad idea)
Or if drowning and being digested by a shark is your style, that’s fine.
Or perhaps being shipped into space
What do you do when you’re ready to go, but don’t want to at the same time?
What do you do when everyone you’ve ever had love for, turns that love into the hate you have for then today?
What do you say when the person you want to love forever, doesn’t love you back?
What do you do when you want to love, but all you’ve felt was hate?
I want to feel something again.
You’d think I’d like feeling numb to this world, but I don’t.
Not feeling makes it hard to know if I’m alive or not.
I want to feel the pain, to know I’m living.
When I’m numb, well I might as well be dead.
I just want to feel again.
I’m thinking of leaving… This world has so much pain and I don’t want anyone else to feel my pain. How do I get everyone to hate me so that I can leave without the ones who love me feeling pain too?
Twinkle twinkle little star
please let me get hit by this car .
How I really want to die
jump off the roof and try to fly.
Twinkle twinkle little knife,
help me end my wretched life.
I just need a break. I so long for relief. The diagnoses just continue to pile up. Anorexia, Bulimia, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizophrenia, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Â Getting up the simple will to live is an exhausting task. The mood swings, the voices, the weight gain they’re forcing me to have, the constant abandonment of friends and family. They think they have it hard dealing with me. They have no clue. They don’t see my pain, only theirs. I feel given up on. I’ve given up on myself. I don’t want to die, but I just know that I can’t be saved.
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