That’s all I fucking do. Why am I here? Because I have to take care of my Mother, because I don’t want to upset my brother. And what happens when I tell my brother how I feel? He uses my niece as an emotional bargaining chip. ‘Oh,’ he says, ‘don’t you want to stay alive to see her grow up?’
He doesn’t get it. How could he? It’s his fault I feel this way. The beatings, the emotional abuse, the sense of powerlessness and just being trapped. I’m 26 and I don’t feel alive, I never had a childhood or a real life, I’m just the ghost that someone else created, drifting around until I die. So why can’t I? Why can’t I just be fucking selfish for once and GO?
This is not life, is it? This is not how anyone should live, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst fucking enemy.
11 comments
Struggleon had the same post last night. Had a picture of a fennec fox attached. You should check it out and compare notes.
“…and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst fucking enemy.”
Ohhh come on, you know you would… you’d wish even worse than your own life, upon any real enemies.
In fact, your previous post is titled “i want everyone to suffer”
http ://suicideproject . org/2013/05/i-want-everyone-to-suffer/
Not just your enemies, everyone!
So i’m sure you’d wish a little harsher than “the usual” on your enemies, as opposed to just the regular everyone else you claimed to want to suffer.
😉
Damn!
Called that ***** out, and used references!
Right. I’m a *****. Thanks for that. Makes me feel a hundred fucking times better.
you gotta find a better reason than family guilt trips to stick around.
Surely there must be *something* you enjoy about existence…
Truthfully, I want to make people happy. But the issue with that is that doing so won’t do shit for me. I would like to make people smile, and make sure that no one ever turns into a colossal fuck up like me. But where does that leave me myself? Still rotting, still an evil piece of shit, still just lingering around like a bad smell.
I want to make people happy, but don’t have the first fucking clue how to really experience that emotion myself. And there are times when it feels like it’s just painful to be alive, you know? Like someone’s turning a knife in my belly and won’t stop twisting the blade, I just want to be sick or scream, but I can’t, and it never seems to stop.
@commodus:
he was just being excited. Some people just talk that way, i don’t think it was meant to be taken personally.
I had started to challenge your “wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy” assertion, before i even looked at your old posts… (but laughed when i saw the title)
Why would i challenge that statement? Because i know how it feels to have real enemies, and to wish that the literally absolute worst possible things would befall them.
I’d recommend (from personal experience) to try to avoid using cliches like that phrase above, and there are many.
@Commodus, it was nothing personal, it just flowed because clevername brought down the hammer and called it! I don’t think any less of you.
@clevername But, to me, it’s not a cliche. I don’t know if you can get where I’m coming from, but I flip-flop a lot emotionally. I can be quite sadistic in my fantasies and lack compassion and empathy, and then get floods of it – to the point where I can’t wish ill on anyone, and just feel sad for them. Today is one of those days, where I don’t want people to suffer and just want to go.
Do you see what I mean? It might be a cliche to me tomorrow, but it’s not right now, because I’m a different person.
well… though you may temporarily feel it accurate, my interpretation stands. I feel like i probably somewhat get where you’re coming from, and that sometimes your sensitivity or compassion level may fluctuate, as mine does as well… (i tend to go back and forth between bitter resentment and desolate sadness) but “my worst enemy,” i would want them to suffer, and while i’d have to predict they’d likely suffer more than i do, if placed in my exact same circumstances, i wouldn’t feel that would be sufficient. I don’t just go around calling people enemies, especially not those worthy of the number one position on that list. People who refuse and disregard every opportunity to own and amend their transgressions, and laugh in the face of forgiveness, are not worthy of my compassion or mercy. So by default, i hope they hurt worse and longer than what they have caused me, which would require them to experience something much worse than my day to day normality, at this time.
But sometimes i get back to not giving a shit about them, and don’t really care what happens in that regard… but that doesn’t mean i would choose to spare them from repercussions, should the choice be offered to me to decide to impose “just deserts.”
But that’s not to say i’m ever arbitrarily vindictive. I’m as fair as i can be.
That completely sucks that your bro makes you feel like crap.
My bro beat me up until I was 16.
One day get up and get out. You don’t HAVE to watch anyone or HAVE to
Put up with anyone’s bull shit. Why doesn’t your bro leave. He is the problem. Remove problem or remove yourself . It’s best for both. With my mouth though I would have said
Some evil things back.to my Bro for putting his daughter in my business no matter how old she is its not right. I hate your brother.