I can’t begin to explain how tired I am of everything. Tired of being a failure, tired of the loneliness, tired of feeling like an alien that doesn’t belong anywhere, tired of not having any money, tired of putting on a brave face, tired of my shitty family, tired of having “trusted” friends stabbing me in the back, tired of hurting, tired of being hurt, tired of the sadness, tired of missing the only man I ever loved, tired of having everything go wrong, tired of the holidays … most of all, I’m tired of living.
I know people keep saying that tomorrow is the start of a new year and new chance, but people have being saying that my whole life and it feels like every year things get worse and worse. I wish someone would give me a legitimately good reason for living. So far, I get crappy platitudes from well meaning friends which don’t help at all. How much suffering is enough? Nearly 46 years of living and I have nothing to show for it, except loss, debt, sadness and failure.