So Tired…

December 31st, 2011 by sneezy66

I can’t begin to explain how tired I am of everything.  Tired of being a failure, tired of the loneliness, tired of feeling like an alien that doesn’t belong anywhere, tired of not having any money, tired of putting on a brave face, tired of my shitty family, tired of having “trusted” friends stabbing me in the back, tired of hurting, tired of being hurt, tired of the sadness, tired of missing the only man I ever loved, tired of having everything go wrong, tired of the holidays … most of all, I’m tired of living.

I know people keep saying that tomorrow is the start of a new year and new chance, but people have being saying that my whole life and it feels like every year things get worse and worse.  I wish someone would give me a legitimately good reason for living.  So far, I get crappy platitudes from well meaning friends which don’t help at all.  How much suffering is enough?  Nearly 46 years of living and I have nothing to show for it, except loss, debt, sadness and failure.

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51 Responses to “So Tired…”

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  1. PLEASE dont do anything rash, There are good people out there.
    You can turn around things, please seek answers.

  2. I hear you. No one will be able to give you a reason to go on “living” in this cesspool. They will give you their reasons, but your reasons can only come from within you. I have been in therapy my whole life (virtually) and the doctors are all completely full of it. Some of us just can’t find a reason for ourselves. What the sadists want is for you to suffer. They will give you every reason that they can think of to keep you suffering. They want to feel good about themselves and nothing more.

  3. Thanks, irspow! Yeah, I should have added “tired of psychologists who are full of shit” to my list.

  4. Okay i’ll ‘try’ be practical beyond empty platitudes.

    That said, positivity is “the starting point” of life …. without it, little can be achieved,

    I am not so much interested in what you don’t have ….rather i am interested what you do have …. and what you want in life that would go towards improving it.

    Tell me your genuine strengths you possess (we all have some)?

    Then tell me what you are not very good at.

    Ultimately, tell me what you want in life….and why you think you don’t have it?

    Best Regards,
    Ad Astra Per Aspera.
    ” the elevator to an easy life is out of order … you need to take the stairs ….one step at a time.”

  5. Wow – did sneezy copy my story?!? LOL with the exception of the sadness (I’m just weary) and not missing the man I love … because I’m a guy who prefers women. … and I laugh at the empty platitude crowd – I try to never let the holidays get at me in the face of all my challenges – I approach them as just another day that the banks are closed.

    Stay strong sneezy :)

    dawg

  6. Hi sneezy, happy/sad to see you’re still here. I think when the weariness passes from the muscle to the bone it’s time to go – my weariness got into the bone today, just a matter of time now, this week or next.

  7. Thanks, dawg. I know I’m not alone in these thoughts but it’s nice to hear that someone understands.

    Ad Astra, my strengths are that I’m educated, intelligent and a good person who has a good, loving heart. I’ve only ever wanted 3 things in my life – friends I can trust, a loving partner to share my life with and a career that can adequately support me. And other than a couple of trustworthy friends, I don’t have anything else and lots of shit dumped on me. Why I don’t have those others things? I have no idea. Bad luck is the best I can come up with.

  8. Hi causeway. I hear ya. Yeah, it’s gotten to my bones as well. Unfortunately I made promises to the couple of friends whom I care for that I wouldn’t take the suicide step again. Tried it once and failed. Plus who would take care of my cat?

  9. I made those promises too but I think I’ll have to break them. I think that’s the worst part. But there’s no point in staying alive over words, meant well, but superceded by so much pain.

    It’s just turned midnight here – happysad new year everyone.

  10. Yeah, I’m starting to think I’ll break my promises as well.

    New Years…Ugh. I still have 4 and half hours before midnight rolls thru here in the US. How am I spending my New Year’s Eve? On the couch in my jammies. Isn’t life joyous? Another crappy New Year’s Eve spent alone. Maybe I’ll just go to bed. No point in staying up.

  11. Sounds like my New Year. I’ve sealed up the doors and windows so I can’t hear any celebrations from outside. No music or TV, nothing. Just quiet. It wouldn’t be bad to go this way if one could find a peaceful way to exit.

    I used to love NY when my dog was still alive; she would get frightened of the fireworks and come nosing up to me and expect me to hide her somewhere. Every year we had this little ceremony.

  12. Wow, we are having the same NYE – no music, no tv – lots and lots of quiet. You’re right – it’d be a nice way to go. I live in a small quiet town so there won’t be much celebrating on the streets. I used to live in NYC which was always a nightmare on NYE.

    Awww, sweet ceremony. Sorry she’s gone.

  13. Sneezy – you’re not alone – you’re with us :)

    I’ve long since considered NYE amateur night so i usually don’t do much anyway – plus, people around here tend to shoot of fireworks all night so I have to “protect” the mutts.

    dawg

  14. I’d hate to butt-in to your convo but, since you mentioned you live in a small quiet town sneezy, it made me think of my own. Here the town celebration is shooting off your gun at midnight. lol

  15. lol GG, oh dear, guns for NYE? Bless em …

    Well sneezy, i offer this assistance, you mention you are educated, if you want me to ‘help’ you think of ‘options’ re caree forward, Im more then hapy to offer my two cents.

    I tend to think outside the box and try not to be constrained too much by conventional thinking.

    That said, i’ve worked for both small and large multi-nationals as well as been self employed, and now help smakk to medium co’s, so i see A LOT of small business owners struggling with all manner of things.

    And don’t worry re what other people are doing on NYE etc, focus more on what you are going to do in the New Year. One night is just, one night. It doesnt change anything or anyones life.

    Ad Astra Per Aspera (from the future ~ yes its 2012 here)

  16. Really, GG? Guns at midnight?

    Thanks for the advice, Ad Astra. I’ll try to hang on. I don’t really need career advice – I have zero interest in working for businesses. I too have worked for small, medium and large businesses. I’m planning a career change and am working on getting my teaching certification but it takes time.

    As for NYE, I could care less what other people are doing. It’s the fact that I’m alone … again … always. I can’t take the loneliness anymore. I’m nearly 46 and my longest “long term” relationship has been 3 weeks – which was back in my early 30s. Not to mention that I haven’t had sex in 15 or 16 years. Yes, years! And there’s nothing I can do to change that.

  17. Lol, yes, guns at midnight. You’re probably wondering where the hell I must live for there to be a shoot fest at the stroke of midnight….New Jersey.
    This also happens on the 4th of July.

  18. I don’t have a problem with being alone. It’s when the world intrudes that the trouble starts. There’s this craziness – you must be productive; you must add to growth, you must be part of GDP; you are not a human being, you are a worker ant; if you do not conform you will be destroyed for the greater good of the anthill:

    War is Peace
    Ignorance is Strength
    Freedom is Slavery

    etc

    I hate it all and I can’t live inside it.

  19. New Jersey to shoot guns as celebration for New Years?? Hmm but Google says the population is 8,707,739. Perhaps the information is incorrect..

  20. GG: Get out! I used to live in NJ (actually born and partially raised there). Actually I vaguely remember my uncle doing the guns thing at midnight when I was younger. Never liked it. I have a fear of guns after being raised by an alcoholic father who used to pack a gun. Terrifying.

    Causeway: I hear ya. This world sucks. I’ve been reading Utopia – Thomas More had it all figured out.

  21. @Gaara, yes, that many people live in NJ. However, I live in Southern NJ, in a very small, rather hick town. My town’s population is probably about 1,000. If that, I’m not sure to be honest. And you can hear gunshots all throughtout my town at midnight.

    @sneezy, I want to get out so bad! I can’t, not yet, though. I actually don’t have a fear of guns, unless one were to be pointed at me. NJ sucks. It really does.

  22. causeway = well read …. some good thoughts some less so …. all interesting….

  23. i mean re Thomas Moore .. i quite like him too

  24. Well GG, go out and buy a gun and join them shooting up the sky … who knows might be fun ;)

  25. GG,

    I used to work when i lived in Edinburgh with a another GG who came from orkney islands, off the north coast of Scotland. Not sure of the population of the island but it was v small and highly religious and relied on fishing for economy.

    That said, she decided when she was 18/19 to attend college and eventually left to live and work in ‘the big smoke’.

    She was shy in the beg but she blossomed and is doing pretty well in life.

    ie don’t let your past hamstrung you ~ seek out new jobs/school elsewhere if only for a year or two. You might be suprised how much you will grow in that time.

    Your past isnt your future.

    Cheers.

  26. Ah I see.. I live in a 2,000 population town actually. Deep in the wilderness with caribou and wolves, not to mention the stars and the aurora borealis. We got fancy fireworks though, and yes, guns too lol.

  27. @Gaara, lol Good to know I’m not alone. Do you like living in a small town or no?

  28. Wow Gara ~ how very cool. I would love to visit/travel to place like that. I dont know why, but i’ve always had a fascination with Alaska/Canada & Nordic countries way up north.

    Aurora Vorealis would be truly something to see.

  29. GG: Ugh! New Jersey. I was born and lived in the New Brunswick area and then the Trenton area before leaving. I left NJ in 1994 and never looked back. I live in Massachusetts now. More civilized.

  30. excuse typos :)

  31. @adastra, I will be joining those crazy hicks in their celebration for my father has a few guns himself. lol And I would get out if I had any money too. I’m unemployed.

  32. @sneezy, Ugh, so you lived in the extra crappy areas? I would love to live some place more scenic. Maybe up north like you. And the place where Gaara lives actually sounds really nice.

  33. Maybe we could start an anti-survivalist commune in northern Canada, or Shetlands.

  34. My hometown is lovely, so yes I do enjoy living here. Quiet and without the noise of the cities. This town will always be a place to return to even when I do stray from it.

  35. Yeee haaaa GG, you go girl :)

  36. @causeway, I’d love that! I’m actually thinking about moving to Canada depending on how the 2012 presidential race turns out. ha

    @Gaara, Despite my hate for my small town, I could never live in a big city. I don’t like the traffic, or noise, or a lot of people in one place. I appreciate the calm of a quiet, small town.

  37. lol, adastra. ;]

  38. ps GG, i too grew up in a pretty crappy backward place … trust me i sought to chnage that once i was in my early 20s …never too late to make a chnage …. don’t let where you grew up (ie ur past) define you … or make you shy or timid …. no way ..

  39. Ok GG – I’m interested – which way does the 2012 Election need to go?

  40. GG: Yeah, I like New England. Small, quaint towns but progressive, educated people (mostly) if you choose the right town. I don’t blame you for not wanting to live in a big city. I spent 17 years living in NYC and it was bad after awhile. Cost my entire savings to move to Massachusetts 6 months ago but well worth the expense. The town I’m living in now is about 18,000, just north of Boston.

    I might be convinced to move to that commune in Canada though. :-)

  41. I want to thank you all for your chats on this thread. I feel better having gotten all this out. Time for bed. I’ll be ringing in the New Year in my dreams which hopefully will be happy ones.

    Thank you again! Sometimes just talking things out helps a bit. I hope everyone has a happy, healthy and prosperous 2012. (Or at the very least may those of us without jobs find one.)

  42. @adastra, I plan on making a change once I save some money and get myself un-depressed.

    @dawg, If it’s any one of the Republican hopefuls…I think I’m gonna pack my bags and get a visa. Honestly, even if Obama wins again…I’m not looking forward to any of it. I hate politicians.

    @sneezy, 18,000 is still too many people for me. lol But I’m glad you found the move worth it, even if it was costly. I could never live in NYC or Philly. I can visit but, even that is not very appealing to me. I could definitely go for that commune too. :]
    Happy New Year. Glad you’re feeling better.

  43. @ sneezy66; You are a strong person to have been alive this long. Truly amazing. And, thank you as well. Your kindness is appreciated and I sincerely wish the same for you, (including everyone on SP). Goodnight Sneezy and may you have a Happy New Year.

  44. Does the states have social security or unemplyment benefits?

  45. Yes we have both. I’ve never worked though, so I’m not entitled to benefits.

  46. @Ad – where are you at? where ever it is I’m sure the SS and unemployment programs are MUCH better that the US

  47. I agree with dawg, US programs suck, for lack of a better word.

  48. GG – the USA’s most catastrophic fail and betrayal of it own people is allowing the healthcare “industry be “for profit” – i’d argue that if health was a right and not a privilege for those who can afford it – at least half of us would not be here … and regarding the others … “suck” is a gross understatement

  49. second that re USA programs being poor from what i understand ~

    GG ~ do you have an Amazon wishlist page perhaps or maybe books/vids you like? I have A LOT of loyalty points and would happily get u a few things (no obligations).

    You have my email or post a wishlist here … :)

  50. Qrsdawg, Im in Melbourne (Australia).

    Yep, people once they turn 17 are entitled to various benefits or social services whether they have worked our not.

    USA is run by Nazi’s who undestand ‘very little’ about how ‘economic stimulation’ works.

    It’s a terrible simple equation ~ the more money the general populace has, the more they spend across a variety of areas – health, clothing, medicine, gifts, entertainment, housing and accessories, etc etc.

    Each of the above area’s requires people to function, so employs more people, who have more money for necessities and disposable luxuries. ie a bigger better economy.

    But when they spend billions a year on “dead areas” like war where only the war machin mnf benefit, then you can expect the populace to suffer economic hardships.

    I don’t think the govt is stupid per se, i do believe they are staffed by malicious, small minded people.

  51. God it sounds like you are living my life i feel exactly the same way so please know you are not alone, i know that is not comfort for you but really you describe me.

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