I don’t want to live anymore, but I’m scared

January 11th, 2012 by kate-256

I don’t want to live anymore, but at the same time I’m just so scared of dying. I’ve never tried to commit suicide before but I have been thinking about it for awhile now. It’s like my whole life is just a one big mistake. Almost every classmate of mine hates me and I don’t even know why, I’ll never be good enough for my parents, it seems like all they want is for me to be perfect but I can’t give them that. I’m failing school and my parents are mad at me for that, they think that I’m not even trying but I am, I am trying just so hard but I just can’t concentrate enough. Lately I feel like this depression of mine is getting bigger by the day. Right now ending my life seems like my best choice, the only things stopping me are my parents and this fear of death, I wish that I wasn’t such a coward. I probably won’t be strong enough to do it today but I don’t think that I can go on like this much longer, I just want all of this pain to stop. One day soon I might just go and commit suicide.

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11 Responses to “I don’t want to live anymore, but I’m scared”

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  1. My heart breaks for you Kate. I know that God has big plans for you and that what you are feeling is temporary. It’s not easy growing up…alot of pressure on our young adults these days. Try not to let things pile up until they seem so overwhelming that there is no other way out except for taking your life.

    Read my post about suicide and how it has affected my life. The terrible part is … it’s happened again, this time in my own family…on Jan 4th, 2012. I don’t even have the strength to write about it yet…just too sad. My heart is empty.

    It makes me sad to read that you feel like this. I will pray for God to give you peace and comfort, and to give you and show you the reasons to live. God bless you love.

  2. just curious … if you don’t know why they hate you, then how do you actually KNOW they hate you? Hate is a pretty powerful emotion – it is rare that anyone hates in secret. ask them ‘hey, do you hate me? I was just wondering because I don’t think you know me well enough to hate me.’

    Maybe it is just that they really DON’T know you and so they aren’t being friendly – not being friendly does not mean hate.

    your parent think you can do better – maybe you can and maybe not. maybe it just something bothering you that is preventing you from doing better. ell them you feel pressured – talk with them, try to figure out a plan to regain focus. If they didn’t care, they wouldn’t be trying to get you to do better.

    just some ideas to consider

    dawg

  3. Hold your horses.
    Not so fast little one.

    I too (along with a billion others) have been in your position before. Not to lessen or undermine your current state & your pain, I think it would be extremely helpful if can stop being your biggest enemy & become your biggest cheerleader of how great of a person you are. The hatred at you school is there to be your motivation, to be fuel to you fire so to speak, to achieve the goal you want. Not want your parent want. Like in the Will Smith song, “parents just don’t understand”.

    Hold your head yo high & just me u!!!!

    http://www.smilelifework.org/…/Forever_Decision . ..

  4. Hey kate, I kinda have to agree with Dawg, how do you know they really hate you? Hate is a strong emotion. Regardless, they most likely don’t know who you really are inside because they haven’t taken the time to get to know you. That happens all the time in school. They really aren’t worth it anyway. After you’re done school you won’t even have to seen them ever again. I know it can be very hard to concentrate with depression, have you tried to maybe get some tutoring? Does your school offer that? Or perhaps some extra credit to try and get your grades up. You could talk to a counsellor at school about your options to prevent you from failing and being held back. You are not a coward for not being able to take your life. You instinctually want to live. And I think you should give yourself a chance before you make a serious decision like that.

  5. I kinda feel like when we die it will just be like before we were born, I’m not really religious so heaven and hell might not exist…..I feel the same way, suicidal yet scared of death. When the moment strikes me though I don’t always think like that….<3

  6. kate same my problem but my problem is very big i also want to commit suicide if you agree we will meet and both will commit suicide

  7. Hi Kate,
    If you still like your parents are not listening to you, you can talk to me anytime because I will understand how you really feel because I do suffer as well from a severe form of depression myself and have had all the syptoms for years since I was 14.
    I’ll give you my email in case you want to talk, God bless.
    Email Laura.j_gardner@hotmail.com

  8. I know I’m a few months late but I sort of understand what you are talking about. I have had that same feeling before. I mean I have thought about suicide, but I know I would never do it. I’m scared right now and I know it. I’m deathly afraid of my parents because I don’t want to disappoint them. They say that they want whats best for me but what the way they influence my life makes me think otherwise. I know that I would never commit suicide partly because I’m a coward and feel the way you feel. But the main reason is I have big plans for my life. I have been counting the days until I go away to college. I want to travel and see things. I want to believe in something. I don’t know what exactly but I know I have the biggest desire to believe in something. Sorry to make this about me, but I think you should try it. If you look to the future you don’t have to worry about the present. Yeah things may be bad now but life always changes. If you think everyone hates you and you can’t change it, just know there are other people in the world. That is one community. My biggest suggestion would be to get away for a while. Go to a camp or better yet a conference of some sort. Meet new people. DO something you enjoy doing. If you discover the world outside your life you will realize that there is so much more out there. There is so much more for you to enjoy and to live for. My biggest advice is to look forward to that day; live for that day. Your future can be anything you want it to be, and if not you can change it even if you feel trapped now.

  9. KateI don’t know if you are in highschool or college but believe me, once your out of school you won’t give a fuck about what other people think about you. You will just be focused on a job working, u will become familiar around other employes and you make better friendships later in life. It doesn’t matter if u aren’t getting the best grades you want, you don’t have to get straight As to go into college. You can always start by going to get your gen eds at a community college first( makes more sense anyways because you save $$$$) even if you don’t go into college right away or at all u can find a job and still make money. With experience u can get better jobs in the future. Don’t worry about your parents, no one is ever perfect. They are probably just mad because they have other problems of their own either at work or elsewhere and they are taking it out on you. They do care about you and perhaps their anger is coming from experience because they only want the very best for you. One more thing about school, you can be a part time student if u feel overwhelmed with classes when u get into college, you don’t have to fake 4 classes at once. You can learn at your own pace.I want to tell u a bit about my life and what I went through. I am 21 years old right now. When I was 8 years old my dad died in a car accident. When I got to 9th grade in highschool my mom and grandmom both got sick with cancer and they died three months apart. My grandpa died a few months later because he was so sad. My oldest sister was able to take care of me and my little bro but I went through immense greif and depression. I dressed in all back and had no friends in highschool because I was “weird” I never had nice clothes because we were so poor never had a car(I still can’t afford a car) and I always looked like a bum because I was so poor from loosing my parents and grandparents. They only friends I did have were just as “weird” as me but they were into doing drugs, smoking weed drinking alcohol and doing heavier drugs like x and k. So many times I said to myself, why me? Why can’t I be normal and have parents and money to dress and look the way I want.When I finally got to college that all changed for me. I abandoned those people who I called friends and were bringing me down. Now that I am a few years older I see that they are losers who messed up their lives and aren’t going anywhere in life. I found a job I work on the weekends for a little bit of income and I’m happy now. I’m not happy because I have what I want, I still don’t have a car or nice clothes but what I do have is a future. I have failed a few classes and have gotten bumbed out but I know that when I graduate college I will have a better paying job and moneyfor things I have always wanted.So please stay positive don’t let depressing thoughts bring u down, life goes by one day at a time. Be happy u have parents who care about you and a bed to sleep on( I sleep on a couch that is too small) and think about people who are suffering around the world. I bet u anything ur like is 10x better than a starving kid in Africa.-Michele

  10. Hi Kate!
    I was eveñ in a worse place in high school; i was terribly abused at home and my behaviours reflected it. Leading to bullies picking on me and no one liking me. I was fat and mocked. But i found something I cared about, a dream, a career path. Then i started to change to adjust to be who i needed to be.

    Ive dropped all my weight, I learned how to be more productive with my studies, and worked endlessly hard. Now Im a fraternity alumni at the best uni in Canada in its one of the top law schools.

    I never found people i ended up loving, i treated women like garbage and friends like utilities. But i could never be more satisfied with my life. Therè is no greater satisfaction than vengeance. I now look down on those people from my school and laugh at their pathetic unexciting lives, and even if my mom begged for forgiveness for how she treated me, she will never see me again.

    Hate Kate; hate everyone around you, and let that be your strength to overcome añy situation, so you can spit on those petty little fucks who judged and you and the fucking world. There is no greater feeling; trust me.

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