A Letter I Wish You Could Read

My new contact information is above. This is the information you should give to law enforcement and your lawyer.

Terror was the word I used to describe my feeling of believing that you would soon be moving on from me. Terror was the word you used to describe your fear of me after I lost control of myself and tried to kill myself after sending you text message after message apologizing or stating why I thought I should die or why I thought you didn’t want to be with me(the reasons you gave were just so very untrue about myself and I thought there was no way you could truly believe them. Did you even mention anything about the relationship?). Whatever the case I am so very and incredibly sorry for tormenting you. All I hope for is your forgiveness and the chance to talk with you.

You mentioned that I wanted a co-dependent relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth. I don’t like depending on people whatsoever. To me, depending on people in the fashion of a co-dependent relationship leads to either being forced or not being able to differentiate one’s self from the other. I would never want that situation. If anything every relationship in my life is or was counter-dependent. But this is of no concern to you now; I understand.

What I have learned(not because of going to the friends/family group sessions), but rather because of countless days of rumination, is that the burden of our relationship was too much for you; especially while being in grad school. I understand why you said you wanted to take a break. I didn’t in the past. You were so very busy in fulfilling a part of your dream. The stress of school and dealing with your ailments was too much. Your ailments will never go away; you couldn’t give up on school; you didn’t want to give up on me(I hope), but you could take a break from the serious emotional connection of our relationship which would allow you to finish school at the level you wanted. Your burden would have been so much lighter.

But, I was so terrified of losing you that when you mentioned “break” I freaked out and did horrible things. I used every thing you had told me about yourself and past relationships to show that you’d freaked out in the past and that you should forgive me for freaking out(attempting suicide, repeatedly trying to contact you after you decided to leave). I attempted to manipulate you and it only added to your burden; it didn’t help you.

Loved ones are supposed to help relieve burdens, not add on to them. I’m so very sorry. I understand so much now that I have lost so much more. Would I trade everything including my other dreams for a chance just to see if things could work out? Yes. That chance means everything to me. Does that make me co-dependent. I think not. It makes me a gambler. I’d gamble everything to show you the strength of my character, that we were good together, that we can be great together.

I understand that it was empathy that I lacked. It was just so very overshadowed, placed in the darkest of depths, by my terror of losing you. I’m so sorry.

I’ve prayed. I’ve hoped. I’ve cried. I’ve worked. I’ve sought help. But, what am I supposed to do when what I want most is a chance to show you how good I can be for you and me and us together?

I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Please forgive the horrible things that I did. Let me talk not to you, but with you.

Please. I’m sorry. Multiply everything by infinity and take it to a depth of forever then you will feel how sorry I am, how much I love you.

Even if I couldn’t be with you romantically, being your friend, being able to call you, to talk with you would mean the world to me. In regards to you, I just want you to be happy(but, I would so very much like to be with you).

A year later, I still love you the most.

Forever and always.

(Can someone out there, G-d, any Higher Power, someone reading this, anyone…please help me find her again? What am I supposed to do?)