I’m a twenty two year old girl, no I am not a lesbian, nor am I bi-sexual. I am however trapped in the closet. My plastic bag over the head method failed me for the last time. I couldn’t control my body from ripping out of the handcuffs and ripping the bag off of my face. Sheer willpower wasn’t cutting it.
So, I’m trapped in the closet. Its a tiny closet that I’ve locked myself inside and am hoping to pass away in. If I’m lucky I won’t be awakened to my sad life in the morning. If I’m lucky this small, tight limited oxygenated closet will be the death of me. That, and fumes from art supplies that I’ve laced the closet with. I will stay in here until morning. Hopefully it will start getting very uncomfortable soon. Breathing wise, not spacially.
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What’s it been…like an hour now? You still wakey wakey? Your method seems plausible, but the question I ask is “why?”
Disregard my last, I just read your other two posts. I can see the struggle you’re facing and indeed I may be in that very same situation myself soon. I like to think that I can make it through and come out the other side fighting if I actually put my heart to it and I believe you can too. Although I am quite the hypocrite in this regard so don’t take my word as anything other than a matching of letters. If you are still awake; why not talk with me awhile?
Wish I could say something here, but I have nothing. I wish you would stay, but this is your choice, and I don’t like it none, but I feel you.
Can you email me before you go?
We can talk if you’d like.
I’ll also can give you my skype name, if you still will be around.
My email is: brl.cents@gmail.com
I’m still here. I had to make adjustments because the bottom was completely open for oxygen to seep in. So I’ve only been in here for a little bit, less than an hour. I’m upset because although the closet is sealed, I still feel a light current. I hope that it doesn’t interfere too much with the oxygen/carbon monoxide. The fumes from my art supplies seemed to have worn off and left me with nothing more than a mild headache :l I will be beyond pissed if the most that happens to me in this confined space are aching joints.
As for whatever struggles you have in your life right now, I hope that you can overcome them. It sucks that the depressed have it worse than most. Its not just the negative outlooks that make it appear that our lives are shit, but it really is shit. If “normal” people actually experienced a fraction of what I’ve been through or someone that has it worse than me, they would want to kill themselves too! And they wouldn’t even try to stay alive and look forward to better days like so many of them preach. Sorry, that rant was completely random.
Looking back, I did not have so much of a desire to die, but an apprehension to live with the pain I was feeling. After much deliberation, I have come to the conclusion that people do not actually want to die, they just don’t see a reason to continue in life. It actually is different. It is so damn hard to take your own life. We are programmed to survive. What happened to you? Who happened to you?
Your rant is fine by me, no harm done.
Hmm… Like I said, your method seems plausible but from what you’re describing to me I have to think that perhaps it is not completely failproof. Even just a pinch of air will upset the balance.
It’s the price we pay for being more aware to this bullshit world. The normal folks live in their ignorant bliss, so let them be. Ugh. Forget my struggles. They’ll consume me in the end, but for now I just want to keep you company for a spell.
I completely agree with the exception of my case. I do unfortunately want to die. If I had a chance at life, it would have been given to me sometime in the years of hell. I do find it hard to kill myself. Its that that’s kept me from doing it. The want to die is very strong, but I wish it didn’t have to be by my hand. I wish I could ask a murderer to complete the job for me. I’ve read your post and completely agree with you. I’m glad you’re able to survive in this completely unfair world. I’m glad that you have the tenacity to live.
What happened to me in full is too long to whine about. Long story short: my upbringing was relatively fine although I felt no love and had physical fights with my mother, fill in the blanks for the rest of the tragedy that was my childhood. The closest person in my life was my Aunt Veronica. After my mother died when I was in twelfth grade and I lived with my aunt veronica, she decided to train me as some Jesus loving freak. She also decided to refer to me as her daughter to her church members, she’s a reverend. I’ve been exposed to Christianity, Judaism, and Islam and am practicing none of the religions. I was agnostic for a long time, but am now beginning to believe that I’m an atheist. Anyway I digress. One Sunday morning when I refused to wake up for church, was the day that everything spiraled into a world of hell. She let me stay in bed, but warned me of the conversation that we would have later. She was very livid when she returned from church because i didn’t go. She began telling me how I had to go to church on Sundays and if I didn’t, I would have to find another place to live. You can understand my bewilderment and utter disbelief. None of my family spoke to me after that and I avoided them.
Of course I chose to find another place to live. I stayed with friends, graduated high school (luckily), and then moved to Los Angeles. I’m still in L.A and have had nothing but trouble since I’ve moved here. I’ve done nothing but make bad decisions all of my life. I had to grow up faster than I knew how. I was so young and childish in high school. Anyway, I’ve had nothing but bad company here. Bad friends that worsened my depression and bad boyfriends that didn’t do better. I’m so far gone its sad. The only people that possible give a rats ass about me are complete stranger. And though that’s nice, I would like the people that I had closest to me in my life to care and they didn’t. They don’t, I have no one and nothing.
Thanks. And I’m afraid that I will have wasted my time in this uncomfortable closet. Ugh!! I’m getting out. I’ll try the bag again. I can’t bring myself to jump off a building. I went all the way to San Francisco to jump off the bridge, (a sure death with a 98.3% rate) and still couldn’t manage to do that. I guess my fear of falling came into play, regardless of my need to descend into oblivion. I wish we didn’t have to be engulfed by our world of shame and pain and I can’t see an escape other than going back to where I came from. I have to find the strength to leave before my landlord kicks me out..
If you can manage to get to Georgia, I will give you a job and we can work on getting you back on your feet. The past is the past, it can’t be changed, but it does not have to define who we become. Bad decisions are a part of life, it is how we overcome our bad decisions and learn that is really important. If I were judged on all of my bad decisions I would be screwed. If you need help, get in touch. My email is my login ID.
That’s very generous and kind of you. It truly is, but I have to decline. I know that I would never make that step to survive here. I wish so many things, especially for people like you to have been in my life sooner, but its years too late. Its simply too late. And I know how its never too late for a lot of people but my desire to die is stronger than it is to live. I have been deteriorating faster and faster for the last few months because I don’t want to be here. I could have picked myself up and gotten my life in order, but I didn’t because I didn’t have the proper help or motivation to do so. And now its too late. When I was in San Francisco in the mental hospital after the cops pulled me from over the ledge, it was the first time in over four years that I’ve gotten the help that I needed. The doctors and staff were very empathetic and understanding. The were genuine and sincere when they were assisting me. The first time in over four years that I’ve felt that I’ve been properly helped. I’ve been to therapist and had close friends that I’ve had since high school that I spoke with on a daily basis and they only added to my grief. And if I had created this account years earlier I would have been better off. Its a life that would have been a lot better off had a lot of things been different, but in my current state the only trip in making is preferably to the morgue.
You know, AngeredSoul, I relate a lot to what you had said here. I also wish that I could hire a murderer to do the job for me. The pain is the absolute worst, but to do it yourself…that’s a tough one. It really is.
I’m heterosexual also, as you had mentioned in your initial post, however I find that this is just as difficult in finding a partner for me as if I were to be gay, I imagine. I don’t know if that’s fair to say, but…you had mentioned it and I figured I would.
Damn, I wish I’d die already. Been boozin’ it up and having energy drinks to sort of reduce my longevity, but I know that I’m too young for this to have the effect I want. We do have it the worst; depressed people. Is it worth anything? I don’t think it is, really. Not in my experience. I’m sad to say that, too.
@ Angeredsoul
The girl you’ll never know was a beautiful girl full of life and love. She struggled for some time, but one day someone reached out to her. She was thinking “it’s too late for me,” but something inside of her knew how wonderful she was capable of becoming. She said “shit, I have nothing left to lose.” She took this someone up on their offer. She had made a really good friend who deeply cared about her and assisted her in getting back on her feet. She even finished college, got married, and had some really great kinds. She really was a beautiful girl.
It’s a shame you wont give yourself a chance to meet her.