Hope and Despair co-exist for me

I have been looking for a place to share my frustration with people who can understand me and help me come out of my depression.

Here goes my story-

I was in college when I met a guy and fell in love with him so deeply that I had to marry him at any cost. I always believed he loved me as much as I did. I had an amazing college life with my life revolving only around him. Seldom did he papmper me, he never said a “I love You” to me on face but still i always believed he loved me the most in this world. Things started changing after college when we decided to marry. I am from India and from a state where love marriage is still a no no in most of families. I gave 8 yrs of my life to him, where I spent 4 yrs fighting to get married to him. I always knew I would not be able to live without him but how could I not see he was just being safe in name of being “practical”. We faught with our parents, each others’ parents and with each other to get married but he was the weak link in our relationship. His parents did not agree and he gave up. Till then I never relaized what all I lost to get him, I had literally lost everything. I lost control of my life when I did not get him. He gave up and I had no other choice. I cut myself from all my friends, family, acquaintances. I married a guy from my community, a complete contrast to my bf, I married him without even talking to him once. I married just for the sake of it. For him I was just a trophy that he won to exploit on the 1st night of our marriage, when we hardly talked to each other before marriage. In return, he gave me only tears. I fought for getting the basic necessities to set up my so called home. He never understood my needs, never took me for outings, no honeymoon, no dinner, no gifts, because all this would cost him money. He married me but he does not want to bear the basic expenses on his wife. Today I am married for a year but nothing has changed. I came to abroad for my deputation for some months to get my peace of mind. That was also not agreeable to my destiny. My ex-bf got married to a girl of his parents’choice a month ago and is happily married now. With a lot of difficulty I have accepted his marriage as I was very very possessive about him. However, today when I just pinged him to say that I have forgiven him for whatever he did with me, in return I only got sarcastic words from him. Amazing!!!!cannot believe its the same guy who I knew few years ago and to whom I have lost my happiness, my smile, my peace of mind, my everything.

This was the background of my life. Now I want to really be happy and I am searching for it desperately.

My despair is that I want to break free from my marriage but dont know the future as being a divorcee in India is a very big thing.

There is a guy in my office who looks interested in me and I also feel like talking to him. This gives me hope that I can get the happiness I deserve in life but we dont know each other and I know nothing about him. I dont know if something good will happen or not and if I should take some step to improve my life.

I am dangling between hope and despair and I want some way out to get my happiness in life.