Caring isn’t an option for me, as much as I hate to say it. I can’t just look at someone and ignore their pain. Yes, I may be blind to it at first but as it becomes apparent to me, I feel it as my own. And that’s the one thing I truly hate myself for. Because I’m incapable to hold a grudge or to sabotage someone because of something they did to me. Forgiveness comes easy- almost too easy at times.
I wish I could distance myself from people like people have done to me. Honestly, it would be so much easier and my demons so much quieter. Maybe not the peace I’ve been seeking but at least a sense of release from this world and these seemingly petty problems. Why seemingly? Because to one person, another’s suffering might be some small thing but it’s all killing me inside. Size doesn’t matter. Pain is pain..
And because it sucks being on the receiving side of pain. I trust every person I meet. You don’t understand. I’m not just gullible. I’m blindly trusting. And every time someone lies to me I wish I could run and hide. But even worse is when I have to lie. That makes me want to drown myself.
And why would I be anything but insignificant and unimportant? People are just kind when they say I’m not bothering them. Its a well known fact that no one actually desires my company. Myself included. Not family not friends not religious brothers. I suppose I’m just used to it being me, myself, and I. All three of which I particularly despise.
I told myself I don’t hate anyone but dislike all of humanity. That was a lie. I envy people for their capacity to love and be loved.
And I do hate. One person specifically. Above all else. The one person who I will make every effort to destroy above all else. And that person is me.
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“Expect the worst, hope for the best” – a montra drilled into my head by a former friend.
You can’t stop people from lying to you or betraying you but you can at least try to emotionally steel yourself to prevent the disappointment. You’re right that pain is pain no matter what size but you can still try to lessen the initial blow.
Noone is harmless, epecially the ones that seem the most like they are. We can’t shut everyone out though because it is in our nature to crave compassion just like it seems to be in everyone elses nature to lie like it’s their job and for the worst reasons. Perhaps take some solace in the fact that they lie because they care at least a little bit.
It’s quite hypocritical of me to say since I feel the same but you are not insignificant. In just the last day I’ve been on SP I’ve seen that you are important. Your replies are kind and insightful and I look forward to seeing more from you. So I suppose in a way that it like wanting your company.
I don’t know if I’m making any sense, I’m a tad brain dead from work, so I’m going to shut up now… but I hope something I said helps. 🙂
I am like you. I hated it so much when my mother used to tell me that there are so many people who are worse off. Why should other people’s suffering make me feel better????????? I actually felt much worse when she said that. I can’t stand all the suffering in the world. Sometimes I keep thinking of stories I heard of years ago, like Zahra Baker, and keep having nightmares.