I survived Suicide.

During life we all face things that are difficult to cope with. no story is worst then the others. everyone has their own amount of pain they can deal with.

this is a very short version of my story.

I was 7 years old when i heard my fathers door close. My best friend entered my room and started revealing the darkest secrets i could of imagined. My father has been molesting and raping her in his room every day. i didnt know what this meant at the time and i thought that it was normal. she had kept telling me to keep it a secret so i did. as time went on so did this. I also found out that he had been doing this to my sister as well. i didnt know what to say or do. so i stayed silent. people must of been catching on because we packed up very soon and moved states. i thought that it was over. Untill i was ten and caught my dad with another young girl. my whole life he did this. molesting young girls and raping them.. i was too scared to say a word because i didnt want the same thing to happen to me… but my biggest fears came true in 7th grade. he had started it with me. and told me that all dads are suppose to show their daughters what sex was. i knew he wasnt telling the truth but i was too scared to even breathe yet alone tell anyone what has been happening… i let this go on until i was 16. when i was 16 i decided i couldnt take this anymore so i had went to the police. i knew that i would go to a foster home because i thought my mother was dead and i didnt know any of my family besides my father and my brother who was in prison… but it was worth it to get him to stop. I was taken into custody and court went on. i was removed and reunited with my sister who was 27 . i didnt know her but she took me into her home.

While in my sisters home i got a call saying my dad had gotten out of all the charges because any witnesses i had or other girls who had been hurt by him were too scared to speak and called me a liar.. he is still free ..and continuing on..

i had tried to forget about my father and live my life in my sisters home. i thought maybe things would finally be better… but it was only the beginning.  at first she was nice and sweet . and then it was like day and night she had changed. she started calling me a **** making me do all the chores screaming at me calling me nothing making me feel like i was worth nothing . she was bigger then me and i weigh 92 pounds and i am 5’3 i cant help it i am just petite. she would shame my body every days and tell me i look like a ten year old boy.. everyone had always said i look like a little boy.. i started cutting my self and my breast because i didnt have any and i hated them. i hated that i was so tiny i hated that she pointed it out all the time.. i hated my self…. i felt like my life was never going to get better… i was not allowed to go out with friends i had to stay home every day and take care of her children . every day she would scream at me and yelling that it was my fault our father did what he did. if i would of just spoke up when i was little it wouldn’t be this way… why couldnt she just under stand that i was a child too? i couldnt tell i was too scared… why didnt she tell? it happened to her before me she was older and suppose to protect me but didnt.. i was 17 when i found out my mom wasnt dead..and has been looking for me… i was looking foward to seeing and meeting her… until my sister played like me and made my mom hate me and think i was a monster… so i was stuck in my sisters house…. i was stuck in hell… nothing i did was helping..case workers didnt believe me..my school didnt believe me… i was drounding in my life and wanted to die… i hated everything… i didnt deserve this… my whole life i have been abused and i felt hopeless…

My sister informed me that we were going to my moms for Christmas which was states away.. i was so afraid to go because she had hated me now… and i heard her and my sister talk about me and wanting me dead… i was so afraid to go… but i had no choice…

the whole time we were there my sister was having a great time everyone was happy but me.. i had to watch her children clean up after her and do everything she had said….my mother had noticed how mean she was being to me and stuck up for me…and my sister exploded and threatened to leave that day…. i was so scared because i knew she was going to make my life hell even more now..

but a miracle had happened.. i woke up the next day and she was gone… she went home with out me and left me with my mom…. i was relieved but scared .. i didnt know my mom…and from what i thought she hated me….. i was relieved but then again i was so scared..

i decided to go for a walk… and when i did i was thinking of doing suicide i was thinking of everything that has happend how lonely i was ..and how bad i wanted to leave this world..

until i met him.

i met someone who had saved my life .. he showed me love the first day … the thing i never had .. i had never had any one show me love before and from that day on i have loved him so much. he was the first to call me beautiful and the first to tell me i am worth so much and he made me feel wanted. and needed. till this day i still love him and he is now my husband. he saved me. he showed me that life can change in a minute.. he showed me i was beautiful and that i was worth loving..he also helped me gaining a relationship with my mother.. i couldnt be happier to say i am here now.. and that i have him..

please if your feeling suicidal messgae me. i know this feeling it hurts i know it does… but it can be beat..