A Humble Helper

I was once a very active user on this sight, It was here I came when I was at my lowest point. I came here, like i believe many others did, in search of a good, solid method and also a partner. In my worst moments this sight was there for me, when nothing else was, when there was no one to talk to in my life this place offered a sympathetic ear that both understood my thoughts and offered no judgment, only advice, support and love. I have met some of the best people on the world here. Learned more about life and myself from them than anyone else. I honestly don’t think I would have survived without the great support that this place gave me.

I have changed a lot from the angry young person that once haunted this place. I have faced the worst of what has so far been thrown my way and learned to over come it, I am still depressed, for i do not believe that depression ever truly leaves us but I have a handle on that depression and it no longer has a hold over me, now it is more like an amusing passenger on a long car journey.

I did something for the first time a month ago, without even realising. I planned for the future, not only that but i saw a good future where once i saw a dead end job, a shitty apartment, forever alone and a drinking problem. I now see the possibility of a wife, nice house, maybe a kid or two, a reasonable job and only a minor drink problem (baby steps). It took me years to get to this point in my life, a point where I am content, where I felt that I’m not merely existing but living. I know there is a long way to go yet to get to that dream life, but thanks to this place I feel I have the tools to get me where I want to go.

I didn’t come back here to gloat or anything (and i sincerely hope I don’t come across as such) I simply came back to tell who ever reads this that the sight does indeed work. It has saved my life and given me all the support i needed to want to live. The one thing I realised though is that this sight isnt some magic cure, sure it can support you for as long as it is needed but in order to get a grip on the suicidal ideation I feel (at least for me) that I had to completely surrender to my own demons, to let down all those deferences that we build to protect ourself’s and trust that we are strong enough without them. A prospect that terrified me for a long time, and as such it took me ages to realise that i did indeed need to completely surrender. In order to be fixed I had to break more than I already was and start from scratch. Without that complete surrender you will always hold onto something damaging that will never let you be completely whole again, Another thing I found most important was the desire to want to get better. I realised that that wasn’t something I wanted. For some reason I didn’t want to get better, maybe I felt I deserved to kill myself, maybe I thought the torment I put myself through was normal, was something I just had to suck up and deal with, maybe I felt that there was nothing else, that there was no way to get better. It doesn’t matter, the fact was I didn’t want to desire to want to be better, and that is something you really need.

For the majority of people I do believe there is hope. Its not an easy path to walk, but you wont ever reach a stage without suicide if you don’t first want to walk the path. I am not saying suicide is a temporary problem, and i never will. All Im saying is that if you really want to, with the right support and mind set you can get a grip on your depression. It is a long journey and a tough one, I fucked it up on more than one occasion but eventually I got it mostly right for me.

I did not mean to write so much, I apologize, it seems not writing in so long has left me with a lot of catching up. What I came here to say is that I have returned to the sight with one main goal in mind. To give to others the love, support, compassion and understanding that was given to me when I came here. I offer a none judgmental ear to listen to anyone who wants it. Feel free to strike up a conversation or tell me to go fuck myself, I’m cool either way. I know if I had met someone like me when I first joined I’d have told me to get lost. I have come back to help, I just hope that I can.

Peace.