I can’t kill myself because it would destroy my family, but I don’t want to live. My mother died 6 weeks ago. It occurred to me then that I might be free to end my life, as I have thought about doing for a long time. She was the main reason I could not kill myself, because I believed that doing so might literally kill her as well. Now that she’s gone, though, I look at my sisters and see how much they depend on me and each other, and I still can’t do it. I have a good family. I can’t act on these wishes; it would be a completely selfish act. But I’m not living right now. I sleep throughout the day, for 14 hours or more, and when I’m not drinking myself to sleep, I’m eating. My room, and even my bed are covered in garbage. I have bills and rent and debts to pay, and I’m not working, so what money I have is quickly disappearing. I want to break out of this, to find the will and energy to start fresh, but I just can’t seem to do it. I don’t know where to start. Even the simplest steps seem too hard. I don’t know what to do.
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I’m sorry for your loss, and I haven’t got a clue on how hard and stressful this must be for you. I wish I was good at the whole comfort thing, but I never have been. I live the same as you do, I’m unemployed – and money seems to be a necessity when it comes to living here, I drink myself to sleep, I stay cooped up in my room all day and my family is what is keeping me here, and what had been for this long. You’d think that having so much in common would allow me to provide you with this long list of steps on how to continue with life and live rather than survive, but I don’t, all I can really say is hang in there. And when people told me to do this, I wanted to punch them in the face, because it didn’t really help my situation at all. but now I see where they’re coming from, I see that now they had no idea what to say so they called upon motivational phrases. I do everything for my family because my family means everything to me, I live for them, they’re the only reason I’m here. Just, please don’t kill yourself, okay. I know that all you can see now is futureless darkness but that’s the depression taking over. Because one day, you’re going to see outside of the depression and realise that there’s much more to life than in this particular moment. I’m sorry I couldn’t be much help.
I appreciate that, thanks. Just making the effort helps. It’s funny, since I made my initial post asking for help, I’ve wound up offering advice to others as well. I like that this site inspires that kind of give and take. It’s hard to find exactly the right thing to tell someone, but just taking the time to say something is meaningful.
I now have a 5 factor rule to being happy. The more you have the happier yout will be. Yiu have 1 fullfilled, family. Need 4 more.
#1) healthy lifestye
#2) family/close friends
#3) career/money/hobbie
#4) love/intimate relationship
#5) solving personal problems
I am 1/5.. family. Everything else in my life is a fuckin mess lol
Thanks, krazykaze. I think you’re on to something with your list. It’s actually pretty similar to Kohlberg’s hierarchy of needs. I’ve noticed that you post a lot here. Thanks for caring.