Every single time I push myself towards doing it thats all I can think of…and my teacher wonders why he has to chastise me for taking so long to get started on it…
But this is what I chose…out of all the things I could be, I chose what I liked best, and its enough to drive me to the point of suicide…
I either need to start working or bite the bullet already…but oh no, those aren’t the two only choices obviously…there are never two choices; I could try and join the military again, if they’d take some suicidal person like me who has scars on his wrist, I doubt it. I could go work retail the rest of my life and kiss a majority of my time goodbye, which wouldnt really be any better than trying to get through college and essentially do the same thing, only less often. I could be a hobo and live (or die) off people’s goodwill. I could throw myself in my family’s arms, the same family I’ve been distancing again and again for so long, because of the remaining two choices: get a degree or kill yourself.
If throwing all of my feelings out into a post that’ll be read by a bunch of people I could care less to ever get to know doesn’t change my attitude about it (because on occasion it can) then shotgun it is. Till then I’m just sitting around with it, and my laptop; having my project right in front of me is perfect motavation really…has this society ever been any different?
Work, or die.
My professor is already sick of me always slacking off on my project, and I hadn’t even gone to class last time we had it, since listening to more of the same bullshit was the least I wanted to do. I hope I’ve pushed my family far away enough for them to not care…because I certainly don’t care for them at all. any friends I have left, not in real life of course, are far and scattered, half of them having been forced out of my life in the past for looking down on my suicidal ideologies.
I don’t know why I even write about this, or why I ever have, its just a bunch of bullshit, either way, always has been anyways…
Turned 21 yesterday, not a damn person remembered enough to wish me a ‘happy birthday’, which only fortifies my resolve that nobody cares about me at all anymore…, which is exactly what I’d want.
3 comments
I know that feeling of being overwhelmed with school work. Just not even wanting to think about having to get started on it, so fucking hopeless. I feel that. I personally find that when I just try to work at it, even if I dont completely get it done I at least have something to turn in. That makes me feel okay about it. Try to get through college if you can, even if it is incredibly hard. It will make things a lot easier down the road, im sure. Im sorry about your friends, Im in somewhat the same situation. Id be your friend, suicidal or not. Happy birthday.
Happy Birthday. 🙂 <3
Hi silverbird,
I’m in the exact same situation, like I totally understand how you feel. I’m 32 and I’m at school doing a bachelors degree for something I love or my options are similar to yours retail, fast food or cleaning for the rest of my life… F*** those options! I’m still weighing up weather or not this shit is worth it. I got an assignment due in 2 days, had it for a month and have only just skim read it once. I have sat at my computer everyday for a month though intending to do it but instead I just read story’s on sp all day and watch crap on you tube. I want this I need this degree so badly I have never felt like suicide so strong, like I can’t take the pressure. I don’t even know how I got into this university.
My boyfriend broke up with me just the other day over this, I told him I was suicidal and didn’t know if I could cope with the school work, but I’d rather die than not complete it. Its my dream my passion but its so hard through online learning. He don’t understand thinks I’m to “unstable” but reading your story is like wow, someone else is like me too. You know and another thing my birthday has not long passed and nobody wished me a happy birthday and I know exactly how you feel insignificant and nobody would care if you deid, so why not?
Anyway sorry you got me started….. I don’t have any advice for you and even if I did I know you wouldn’t care anyway. But thanks for writing this I know I’m not alone in the world so much now. I could kill myself over a million bad things in my life but over studying for something you want so bad seems crazy huh? Maybe not so…
I hope you do your project and maybe I’ll start mine, yeah right think I’ll have a sleep now. 🙂
Your not alone brother, is all I can say! x