Well this is something new for me. I have never posted anything like this before. Im not sure why. My life doesnt seem terrible by any means compared to some of the things Ive red on this website. I have a supportive family, friends who care about me very much. I am an educated individual who served in the military and holds a good job now. Then why may I ask do I struggle every single day with ending my life? The last 4 months have been a 180 degree change. I lost the love of my life through my own faults and coming to terms is impossible. Every single day I fall deeper into this all incompassing feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. Losing your best friend and the person that means the world to you changes a man. I have lost the will to live and everyday when I wake up I desperately cling to the norm. Now I have decided that living is no longer an option. Will she ever call? Will she ever contect me? I bet she will wish she would have once thst option has been removed. Im not a bad man. Im not a coward. Im just a man who has been presented with a situation that cannot be overcome.
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4 comments
Well, thank you for your service, first of all; you are no coward. I think about a lot of the things you do, and despite having family and support, that is no match for major depression. I think you are feeling a combination of rejection but also under the extra pressure of depression and that you need to keep remembering things can change and change for the better.
I feel ya – I’m in a similar situation. Life is still good by external measures, but I also lost a very good woman and have been circling the drain ever since.
I can only offer two things:
1) if you kill yourself, you will hurt her tremendously. If you lost her due to your own faults, killing yourself to make her sorry that she didn’t contact you is just doubling down on your first mistake.
2) living *is* an option, even if it’s miserable, shameful, joyless. It’s what we do by default.
Why should it be that you have to suffer, in order that others don’t? I can’t tell you that, but it’s the way it is right now. I just know that time puts distance between the sufferer and his suffering, and distance makes things smaller. I hope you can give it time, and that things untangle for you.
I really appreciate your comment. It makes a great deal of sense. I feel like i stick around simply so everyone around me doesnt have to Hurt, but that is no way to live.
That’s what keeps me here so far. And, I had positive reasons to live in the past. Maybe I (and you) will in the future, as well.