Apathy now … I know my time is limited

Never occurred to me I could be in a world with so many people and yet feel so alone. Used to think talking would help. It did. But then i lived long enough to grow up. Talking is a waste of time and i dont care to trouble people with my issues. Rough life … Sure but i know others have had it worse than me. My mind and spirit isnt better than the next person nor my tolerace and ability to recover. There is no organ transplant for a damaged spirit. Religion and relationships are wishful thinking. I earn my living helping to ease the suffering of others. I hate seeing people hurt. The longer i live, the more i resent life. The pain of others, their sorrow … All this negativity in the world is sucking the life out of me. People are fake, superficial, cant count on anyone. I am utterly alone. I have coworkers, kids, husband … But wouldn’t dare share this with them because they cant fix it. What is the point. Sometimes i think about leaving everyone and everything … Just not coming home from work and disappearing. Doesnt matter. No one can help me. Im doing it to myself. Its my fault i care. Its my fault i remain in a life like this. If i would have known my life would be this …. Losing my family to accidents and cancer, i would have killed myself as a kid. I dont doubt that people will be sad but life goes on. Everyone around me has a better support system than what i was raised with and those immediately around me caanot imagine the atrocities i experienced as a child. My memories go back to me being about 1.5 years old. Im 31 now. This world is absolutley horrible. On its best day, its still shit. People here are suffering and we just go to work, eat, sleep, wake up, do it all again!!!! My oldest brother commited suicide in 1990 and he was 23 or 24. I was angry with him until my mid 20s when i first considered suicide and i get it! I really do. And when im ready, im not going to tell anyone because i do not want anyone trying to stop me. All they will know is one day im here and the next day im not. Period. Suicide isnt for attention. Its about a damaged spirit from this horrible atrocious world saying enough is enough and deciding to intervene since invisible ideas never stop anyone from acting on free will. The greatest part of free will … The ability to self exterminate when you determine this world is unfit to live in. Its not me. Im fine … Just fed up. Take a look around. What a wonderful world…..  I do not belong here.