I used to be a very cheerful girl until the day I transferred to a new school. I thought people would accept me if I came here. I mean like this place isn’t my hometown neither is it my home country.
On my first day to this school, I introduced myself with hesitation and nervousness. At the break time, it felt like as if I was already accepted. But I thought way too fast and got it wrong. I was verbally bullied on my first day. I was talked about around the class for that time. But then soon enough they ‘befriended’ me and we became pretty close. I started to open up, to the point where I could tell them who ever the hell my crush was.
A few weeks or even days later, I heard a bunch of people from senior classes and other classes talking about who my crush was. Up till now people still think I have a crush on that dumbass. But no, I gave up on him as I knew there was no chance for me to ‘date’ him.
Everything passed by and soon enough I heard those people who bullied me with words back then, talking bad about me behind my back. When I haven’t even done anything to them. I just let it go as it was just the first time. I gave them another chance.
The next school year, same thing happened. People talking about my crush and a bunch of classmates talking behind my back. I gave them another chance without hesitation. Or so that’s what I thought.
After that school year, the back stabbing continued. I gave them the third “chance”.
Afterwards is the present, everything was going really well except, at the start of this shool year I had gotten into depression over the facts that I gave them chances. I regretted it. But i decided to go with the flow. My studies went low for this time round. We had new classmates and I tried to befriend them. In which it was successful. My best friend who was like a sister to me, was the first person I met in this school and was the person who started the bullying as well as those backstabbing and rumors. I don’t even know why I trusted her. She started it, she made my life miserable. What was my reason? I have no idea either.
This problem didn’t only happen between school and classmates. I also had family problems. Last year, my father almost died of a heart attack. Yet despite all that, I took care of him. I helped my mother with the care. But no matter what I did, I always got scolded like as if I never did anything for him.
I guess i forgot to mention I attempted to cut myself a lot of times.
Anyways, continue with the school thing. You may think my life isn’t that bad. But no, its worse than it seems.
I was always backstabbed. One time my male bestfriend confessed to me. I thought I’d be happy by then. I accepted his feelings. We stayed together from December 26, 2014 (Yes it all happened after Christmas) till June 26, 2015. My depression went even worse. I was much more silent and saddened than usual. It was like a dead body is going to school everyday. I force out laughs and smiles even when it isn’t funny nor joyful. I sleep even lesser than usual. I don’t go out that much. (Not that I used to go out a lot back then. I’m always biased towards my home as it feels more comfortable) As my ‘bestfriend’ got even closer to the new students, I became more distant. I was jealous. I showed every hint of jealousy. But it seems like none of them bothered sticking their nose into what was wrong to me.
I also forgot to mention that I have headaches everyday. As of now, my head feels like its spinning around and my eyes are a bit blurred. My eyes also burn.
As I said, i’m jealous. You might think “jealousy is about love right? or maybe about siblings and friends getting what they want.” Don’t you also love your friends? It hurts when I see her hanging out with the new students all the time. The only time I can even talk to her about a whole conversation is at lunch time.
One time she mentioned that her bestfriend was the new student. It felt like I lost my other half, like a stab in my heart, like a bullet through my head. She’s been my bestfriend for I don’t know how many years. Now she mentions that? I gave up on making friends from that moment till now.
My brother and my sister don’t have enough time to talk to nor can they meet me as they’re in my home country and I’m not.
My dad gets easily angered and he blames me for stuff I didn’t even do.
My mom is always tired and mostly doesn’t have time to talk to me as she always argues with my dad for no serious reason. They bring out their anger to me.
I don’t really go well with school and my scores lowered as I said above.
Neither do my ‘friends’ listen to what I have to say before they judge me.
I was depressed to the point where if I could exchange a word to another word and receive the same meaning, I’d change the word happiness to death and get the same meaning as happiness.
In the present time, those backstabbers do what they do best. Judge people without knowing their reason for their doings.
I laid low. I kept quiet. I ignored them for their own happiness. Only to hear that I’ve been backstabbed really badly this time. My heart felt like it sunk. Everything felt like it was going down.
I wanted to suicide and I still do now. But think about it, if you suicide many people will feel sad right? Maybe it won’t affect the bullies or those whom you used to trust. But it’ll affect your family and siblings. So think it over okay?
But as for me, I have no plans on continuing a horrifying life.
8 comments
I know how you feel being betrayed by “best friend.” I learned there’s no such thing as “best” friend, and there’s no friends either. Don’t depend on others for your own happiness. You ought to be happy by yourself, alone. If others are going the same way, great, if not, don’t change your course because of other people. I wish you luck, don’t give up, yet. You merely lived one way, but there’re other ways to live, and much more rewarding.
Thank you for the luck and as you told me, I’ll try not to give up. Being alone feels quite comforting….
Thank you for the convincing advice. I honestly think I should really leave them out of sight. I’ll try mirroring what they’ve done to me except for the backstabbing part. I’ll ignore them like they did to me. But as it seems like it, that’s very difficult…. (sorry this was supposed to be for you. I am still new to this website.)
You’ve made some terrible friends. I had that experience before, and now they’re out of my life. What’s funny is that we’re still on friendly terms if we were to see each other, but nothing beyond that. I personally think you should just leave them. They clearly don’t care, and I know that hurts to hear but from what you’re saying, you’re left in the dark. They didn’t even bother including you, they’re stealing the limelight for themselves and no one seems to realise that. It goes without saying that you shouldn’t bother with them. Find someone who won’t abandon you like that, will actually appreciate your company along with others and allow you to join in. All I can see right now is that you’re distancing from her and she is either oblivious to that or is choosing to be this way because she has the new students as friends.
You’ve had a lot going on in your life, even the smallest things (or seems small) are able to trigger bad thoughts and bad habits. It’s understandable.
As for giving chances, you’re certainly lenient and forgiving. Now isn’t the time for that. It’s not to say that you should become cold, bitter and unforgiving. Just for now, make your well-being your prime concern, I know it will be difficult but you need to detach yourself from the fact that your ‘best friend’ is making new friends and so on. Find a supportive friend yourself. It’s easier said than done but there is surely someone out there who would be willing to lend a hand, instead of backstabbing you. If you would like to talk, I’m available too.
Like the person above mentioned, you’ve merely lived one way and there are other ways to live. It doesn’t have to be centred around your ‘best friend’. There are other ways to make friends if you would like some. If you’re having a hard time befriending people at where you are now, try online (though it may be risky, it can be very rewarding since I’ve met nice people online too).
Thank you for the convincing advice. I honestly think I should really leave them out of sight. I’ll try mirroring what they’ve done to me except for the backstabbing part. I’ll ignore them like they did to me. But as it seems like it, that’s very difficult….
i’ll try find new friends as you said. But for online friends, that just makes me feel uncomfortable a bit as some are bastards and sarcastic in the internet.
the first reply was a mistake sorry… it was supposed to be for the comment above.
But still thank you for the advice. I really appreciate this