Round and round it goes in my head. Can’t kill myself. Can’t do that to my family. I owe them everything, and it would destroy them.
But can’t go on living with this overwhelming sadness. Can’t keep going through the motions. Can’t keep pretending I have a life. Can’t stand this longing anymore. Can’t go on being alone, but can never feel any real connection with anyone. Can’t keep hating myself, but can’t be anything better, no mattter how hard I try. Can’t keep fighting a battle I’m never going to win. Can’t bear to be the one who everyone pities anymore, a worthless loser. Can’t stand the fear.
I’m stuck in this limbo.
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For what it is worth: At one of my lowest points, I went and helped out someone who was even weaker than me.
My own father has never accepted me, so an awesome guy who had a good father, I basically imprinted him as a surrogate father and piggybacked off of his confidence and used him as that much needed and natural reference point that I never had and those combination of things brought me out of my greatest slump.
Don’t know if these things pertain to your specific situation, but just trying to offer practical solutions and examples.
That person who was weaker than me needed me, gave me purpose and helped make me feel useful again; helped jump start the productivity part of my spirit, self-worth and life.
An endless cycle of futility, from Sisyphus to Tantalus, the ancient greeks knew this was the greatest form of torture.