My Story …..

Someone once told me that in order for me to move on in life I have to let go of all of these emotions that are keeping my hostile. So here is my story, that will hopefully help me move on and let go of the past so I can be happier. Including a photo might be my way of letting it all out there my own way. idk ………

I was feeling down today. So I made this account & I suddenly didn’t feel so alone. To know that there are other people out there that I can relate to comforts me in a way. I was feeling so awful that I called the suicide prevention hotline. But it suddenly got disconnected. Maybe that’s a sign who knows.

I’ve always had suicidal thoughts. Mainly when I’m depressed.Thoughts of how I would do it. But it’s all depends on my mood. Some days I am so angry that I just want to crash car against an on coming truck & some days I want to go get my hair done so I can look pretty, go home put a nice outfit on and head to city park and just stare at the lake and send my bestfriend who is my everything how much I love him & to forgive me & just hang myself from a free facing the peaceful lake. Ironic how I wont be able to breathe but once I have taken my life I will feel free and like i can breathe once again. I am not afraid of death. I have learned that over the years. Though I am only 22, I feel like a huge failure. My life is a complete shit show. Every time I feel like I have something in place my life, everything just crashes down at once.
I’m not even good enough to get a good job. I need to get out of this house. I feel like I am suffocating here. I’ve haven’t left my room in 2 months. I do not have the energy to do so anymore.
What is the point of even being here. I see no point. I have no family, no friends, no job, I cant even afford classes this coming semester because I can’t find a job.I have no family because I have detached myself from them. I do not feel any emotional connection towards them anymore.
When I was 6 years old, I moved in with my mother and that’s when hell happen. I was molested for 7 years by the Son of a ***** of my brothers dad & when i finally had the courage to tell my mother she didn’t believe me & told me how much of a stupid liar I am. She called me a liar as I sat there and cried & explained that i didn’t tell her any sooner because I was afraid that he was going to kill her because he was an abusive man. Besides I’ve I have watched him beat her and leave bruises and even pull a gun at her. That’s why I was afraid to say anything. But to her I’m just a liar & I still hold that against her. I cannot simply forgive the one person that was suppose to protect me. I try to move on from it but I can’t. I’m tired of walking around like I give a shit when I don’t, I’m walking around with a fake smile on my face. When it comes to my mother I don’t hug her, I barely acknowledge her and we live in the same household. I mean it’s not like she gives a crap about me anyway. I need to get out of here before I take a beautiful walk to the park.