I lost my soulmate.
I loved her with all of my heart. We’ve known each other for five and a half years and we were best friends. It was an online relationship and we were young so we weren’t serious about it. But a few years ago we realized we could really make this work and so we tried. We stood by each other through thick and thin, through the stress of me having a job and graduating high school and everything. I felt like I had the perfect future because we promised each other we would go to the same college and work in the same field. We always talked about dreams we had and we talked every single day, we cammed on Skype everyday, we talked through all our troubles and problems. We cammed at night so it was like we fell asleep next to each other. We had our fair share of arguments and we both had problems with communication but we got through them and it made our relationship tougher. I felt like we could take on the world and prove everyone wrong, that long distance relationships can happen.
When I got closer to finishing my senior year, I realized that waiting until she graduated to even meet was a recipe for disaster and it would put unnecessary stress on our relationship and I wouldn’t risk that. I moved from my home in Florida to New York City, where my dad’s family resides, so that I could have the chance to visit my girlfriend quite a few times and bring some new life to our relationship. I registered for college and went and it was really expensive since it was out of state. One semester cost around $9000 and my Pell Grant didn’t cover all of it. I had to get the maximum amount of loans possible and even then I had some money left over I had to pay. And this was one for one semester. $18,000 a year for 4 years is a lot of money. My girlfriend said that when she graduated next year, we can go to a different school together, one that’s cheaper and she could get a free ride, and she would support me with my student debts. Needless to say, that made me really happy and I didn’t feel like shit about my debt anymore. I didn’t feel so locked in by money problems which I didn’t want because my mom only makes about $9.50 an hour, a high school dropout, and she always wanted me to not have the same money problems she has. I went to school, learning programming because I knew that it would be a valuable tool in the future and I could easily support my girlfriend and any family if we decide to have one in the future. I visited her for the first time and it was the happiest moment of my life. Meeting the woman you’ve loved for 5 years for the first time, being able to hug her and kiss her, is the best feeling in the world and it made me realize that staying loyal to her was all completely worth it. I was and am truly in love. It felt nice to be loved the same way back, to be able to stare into each other’s eyes lovingly, to be able to touch each other without flinching away. I visited her a second time after Christmas for New Years and we spent that week together. We kissed at midnight when 2016 started; we were a few seconds late because we were both rushing to get the apple cider into cups for everyone but it was still one of the most amazing kisses I could ever imagine and I felt like it was a guarantee that no matter how hard 2016 would be for us, we would stick together through thick and thin. Because isn’t that what it was supposed to signify? Later, we made ceramic plates and painted it together, and we engraved our names with a heart in between and we wrote 2016. She hung it up and it was the first art project we ever worked on together and we were both proud of it. When I had to leave, we were both sad and didn’t want to have to separate. Long distance relationships suck. I would give up everything in the world if it meant I could be there for her every day, just for a few seconds to be able to hug her, kiss her, tell her everything will be all right and I’m here for her. But I can only do that once every few months, if that.
A drawing she made for me
When I got back home, I realized that I needed a job because of the new school semester. I couldn’t get one last semester because my schedule was 5 days a week because I registered on the last day but this time I could get a job. I looked online for jobs all the time, I applied to as many as I could. I never got called or emailed back. I went to a job fair and I felt like I did really well at the interview because I was steeling myself for it and I felt better than the other 300 kids who were there. My interviewer even said I did a really good job. I never got a call back. Every fast food restaurant didn’t want me. No stores wanted me. I resorted to Craigslist and I easily found interviews through there. I ended up getting 5 in 2 weeks. None of them called me back. They all wanted outgoing people but I’m not outgoing and I realized that no matter how much I try to fake it, I just don’t have that personality and they can tell. I started feeling worthless and useless because I couldn’t even get a job. My family started berating me every day about it even though I tried as hard as I could. My dad ended up telling me that I should’ve just stayed in Florida and that just broke me. My mom’s side of the family is mad at me for going to New York to be with a girl. My dad’s side of the family is mad at me for coming here and not having a job. My girlfriend told me it was all okay, she knew I was trying and she kept my head above the water. She helped me apply for jobs and look for some and I still never got any calls back. I end up using some of the only money I have to spend money on a Valentine’s day gift for her to show her how much I appreciate her. I buy her a bamboo plant that’s in the shape of a heart and some chocolate candy with a mug because she loves chocolate so much. I like writing and so I wrote romantic messages on both gifts and she loved it. All of that cost $80 but it was worth every penny. The year before I bought her a $130 giant teddy bear and she named it Charlie and she sleeps on him every day. I love doing romantic things and making her happy was my entire reason of being happy, of living and looking forward to the future. Because I knew that she loved me unconditionally and that she would get me through my hard times like we promised each other.
Then she left me. She told me she was unhappy and she wanted to be free. She told me she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. She said she didn’t have any feelings for me anymore. And I died inside. My heart, which was beating for her and lived just to make her happy, died. I failed yet again, in the most important job I ever had. She told me that she was never happy, she was unhappy inside the entire time. My heart, my life, my future fell away in the blink of an eye. I was completely lost. I am completely lost. I love every aspect of her. I love her personality most of all. No one is like her. I don’t want to settle for someone else. I don’t want to have to deal with regretting separating from her for the rest of my life. I always looked at other girls and just felt in my head, “My girlfriend is so much better.” I can’t change that. I can’t stop my love for her. She said that I manipulated her into staying with me but that was not the case. I’ve only had to convince her that our relationship would work out when she was having moments of doubt and we always came back to each other happy. When I was having moments of doubt, she did the same for me. She had an abusive stepdad who controlled and manipulated her mom in every single way possible so I personally think it’s clouding her judgement and I try to tell her that be she denies it and just associates me with that monster. Like I’m the bad guy who didn’t care what she wanted or thought. I’ve always told her that communication is key and that if she communicates, we can get through any problem. But she was too scared of telling me things like that because of what kind of reaction I would have. But it always ends up worse when she internalizes it for months until she tells me at the worst timing when she blows up, or I just find out on my own. I wish she could have trusted me more than that. Because I am not him. I wanted my girlfriend to be happy, to have the best possible future I could guarantee her, to be her constant companion and best friend. I still want that. I want to prove to her that I am not the manipulative monster she thinks I am. I want to prove to her that she can be happy if she just lets go of some of the wariness she has.
So, now. I’m jobless. I’m in a shitload of debt and counting. I’m loveless. I’m friendless. My entire family is pretty bothered by me. And they’re only going to be even more bothered when they see that my girlfriend left me. I still hold on to a small hope that she will come back. That hope is based on the fact that she’s stressed out because of Junior year and she’s always been really impulsive and anxious when she’s stressed out. I just want to help her through this time until she comes back to her senses. But now she’s mad at me because I get suicidal when I’m really upset. I think I have BPD so I need to get that checked out. She’s afraid of what I might do so she gets mad at me for having suicidal thoughts, and it just pushes me to have even more suicidal thoughts and behaviors. She doesn’t realize what she’s pushing me into. Whenever I get suicidal, she tells me to stop talking about it or she will just ignore me so I’m forced to internalize it. If I don’t get her back, I really honestly don’t want to live anymore. The only thing that has kept me from doing anything is my heart still reaching for her and trying to grasp her. That is my only hope. I don’t love anyone else and I refuse to love anyone else because no one is like her and no one is better than her. I don’t want to have to go through years of heartbreak and then an entire life wondering what could have been. I don’t want to have flashback memories every single minute of every single day of things we used to do together, because we did almost everything together. I don’t want to feel that pain every day because it wouldn’t go away. When bad things happen, I feel it forever. I don’t want to look at my television and remember, “Oh, she loved this show,” or ,”I remember she used to hum this theme song every time she heard it through my TV on Skype.” I don’t want to tear down the picture frames I have of her. I don’t want to tear down the poster she gave me or the other posters I bought of things that we used to watch together. All my favorite video games, we played together. We even programmed together. We used to cam together at nights and now it’s already really lonely. I have to just read books until I pass out from tiredness. Which also give me memories because I was reading a book she recommended me.
Every time I look up, I see something that reminds me of her, and I’m in pain. Everything on this computer brings me to tears. Every time I get a Skype notification, I have a fucked up feeling of both dread and hope but then it always turns out to disappointment. Every single time my phone vibrates I get really nervous. All of my online friends are friends with her. Even some of my friends from Florida are friends with her. It’s literally impossible to get rid of things that remind me of her and even if I did, my memory prevents me from forgetting and letting go. I don’t want to deal with this. If I totally lose this hope then I don’t think I will last long before I do something drastic. Losing everything in one fell swoop is too hard for me to deal with. I just want her back. I just want to make her happy. I just want my best friend and love back. If she gave me another chance, I would do every single thing in my power to make her happy. I would go to the ends of the earth to ensure that.
All I want is one more chance to prove to her that we are soulmates.
5 comments
This is a sad story, I feel you.
One thing to remember though is that if this was the first love for both of you… well, a person’s very first relationship rarely lasts, even if you knew them for years. You’re young, and you’re at that stage in your life where you’re just figuring out what you like and what you want to do with yourself. It is very normal for high school relationships to separate during the college years because at least one party starts to become a different person or goes in another direction (or even starts dating the opposite gender).
It’s heartbreaking now, I know, and I’m not saying there’s no chance, but you have to give her time to get out there and do her own thing. If she does love you and thinks it could work, she won’t forget you and she’ll come back.
So… the best course of action is to back away, play it cool, and let her reach out to you. If you have the same mutual friends then stop talking to those people for now and find new friends. Go on the downlow and disappear, but keep the same phone number, etc., if you think she might contact you.
If it’s been a couple months since you broke up, you could even try dating new people. This might distract you a bit (but don’t use them if you’re not at all into them). Get out there and try to have fun. Work on getting over your ex, don’t have unrealistic hopes in case it’s really over… but if it isn’t, be open to reconciliation.
Just my two cents.
I know it hurts right now. I know you imagined your whole life being together. But sometimes things just don’t work out as we planned it. And you know maybe it’s for the best. Like nepheliad wrote it could do some good to you dating other people. It will distract you and you never know what your future will bring. Or who you could meet.
I feel you. Almost the same story happened to me. I lost my soulmate for 8 months now. Literally the hardest time of my life.
I tried to be positive. Convincing myself that she will come back but she never did. So i keep myself busy. Work, hangout with friends, pray, etc but nothing works. Maybe because i was still hoping that she will comeback in to my life.
Then she has a new boyfriend. Imagine all the pain you suffered then combine it and multiple it by 100, that’s what i felt. I tried to kill myself a couple of times but I could do it. Not because i was scared to die but I’m scared of the people i will be leaving behind. My mom, sisters and friends.
So i tried fixing myself. Opened up to my sister and my friends. Delete out previous messages. Delete all the photos. No communications. Focus myself on loving myself first. Now, i can see a glimpse of light that will help me get up from this and helped me realize that if she saw how pathetic am i she will never love me again. Yes, I’m moving on but i will never stop loving her.
Listen here bud . You’re story is for me like looking into a mirror . I had too an online relationship with a girl ( the only relationship i ever had ) and it lasted almost 6 years in total . You what happened ? she left me after cheated on me . All the things where just lies , because that’s what people do , lie and destroy each other . people suck , i suck , you suck , everyone sucks . You just have to get over it , get over it yourself because no one can help you in this situation .
I hope for your sake and hers that she’ll be less afraid of talking about her feelings in the future. It’s always heartbreaking to be left by someone but it’s even worse when they’ve been hiding their true feelings. Looking at it from the outside there are things like that, and the fact that she struggles with you talking about feeling suicidal, that mean you could stand the chance of being hurt badly again. But love is love, and you have a long history. If the chance of getting back together is the only thing that gives you hope then I think it’s okay to hold onto that for the time being. You said she can be really impulsive when she’s stressed, so there probably isn’t anything you can do for her at this point. You’ve shown her that you’re there for her, and she probably needs to be given space to realise that you aren’t trying to manipulate her. It’d probably help you too if you could feel more of a distance. I know you probably can’t help but think of her almost constantly, but if you can find a hobby or friends, music etc that doesn’t remind you of her as much it’ll help. It sounds like a lot of other problems have built up for you lately and this will be something you’ll be thinking of for a long time, but even the smallest coping mechanisms and distractions can help with getting through the day.
I hope she changes her mind eventually. It really sounds like you have a lot to offer her.
I’m sorry your family haven’t been more supportive. I think they should appreciate all the effort you’ve been putting into getting a job. I don’t think anything you’ve done or that’s happened to you is something you’ve failed at. You might need to try to focus on each day at the moment when you can, and avoid thinking about the past or worrying about the future. It’s a moment to moment struggle but you seem to have a lot of willpower. And you can talk about here whenever you need. Best of luck to you. 🙂 I know it must feel impossible to get through a lot of the time but it is possible. You’re in a really difficult situation but this is the worst part.