Sometimes I wonder if I’m essentially non human, because I enjoy it more and more when I get sick. I’m sick right now, in some way involving my sinuses. It might just be an infection caused by allergies, it might be a bacteria or virus. Most of these pass within a few days.

but I tend to fight against being sick for as long as possible, only fully accepting it when I am too tired to deny it anymore.

To quote Elton John;

“There’s a calm surrender
To the rush of day
When the heat of a rolling wind
Can be turned away
An […]

Something something woe is me, sadness, something something.  Suicide is the answer something something, final solution.  Insert melodrama about how much I was raped abused etc etc.  Something something. All these posts but where is the rage, where is the hatred. The world failed us, we didn’t ask to be here so why aren’t more of us enraged.  Enraged at the biggest injustice of them all birth. We should be fighting to have abortions free and available at every Walmart Costco and McDonald’s.  Maybe then some poor fuck would never be born to feel this way.  Their worthless mothers could do them the biggest kindness […]

I don’t fucking know anymore. Like when I first started antidepressants I felt nothing change. Couple months in I am doing fucking great. Best shape of my life! Then the last month has been so weird. So emotional. So unpredictable. My behavior is so unlike me these days, I am having trouble having the motivation I used to have.  I don’t know what type of behavior is me anymore or how I’m supposed to be. If I act out I want to  just blame the medication but I was so good not that long ago. What the fuck changed? I hate this and I hate […]

I just woke up minutes ago. But for what? I’m alone, I dont know where any of my family is, they’re all on their separate outings I guess. I was having good dreams. I want to go back to sleep. I slept about 11 hours, waking up here and there. Why am I still so exhausted? I feel like I didnt sleep at all.

There are things needing to be done, like my laundry, I need to shower, and more packing as well. I dont feel like doing any of it. I feel like maybe I could sit through a full LOTR movie, I might do […]

I dont get it. I dont get it. Every single time. Its like two or three weeks. I have to get out of here. I dont want to be here. Or at home. Or anywhere. Why do I even feel like this. It’s like, I feel sad because I can’t settle down and get to know people, and then when I try to get to know someone, I feel like I have to get away from them after two weeks. I don’t understand myself. And now I am a totally different person. What will my family say when I’m back? What will I say? Will […]

Have you ever feel like a wasted potential?

I know that we’re all here for different reasons or factors. But as a failed 40 years old musician from Indonesia, despite everybody telling me that I’m musically very talented (I compose/write songs/music too; used to have a band & perform quite a lot in many stages & events, although just small ones), but here I am now just being a nobody/nothing & basically to be honest a failure/loser who is just rotting away.

A lot of people have told me that I’m smart, a ‘deep’ person, unique, different, a kind/good person, empathic person, etc etc etc. But […]

tomorrow is when i graduate high school.

why is my brain still holding onto being a child? the constant yearning for care and love.. the amount of plushies i still have.. and how much i get hurt from the most smallest of things..

it’s not like i want to grow up, but i need to if i want to survive. i didn’t expect to live this long though..

realized today how much I really do daydream, and how I don’t even live in this reality, but in the worlds I have created in my mind instead. I notice while I thought about it how its been the only way I’ve been happy at all, about 95% of my life. of course, now and then, it will turn on me… my mind is still dumb as shit, y’know? but all of these elaborate imaginings, especially the ones being with friends, or being with my partner (long distance really fucking sucks.) …. all of it… isnt real. and it makes me really sad, and it […]

The problem I run into, more than any is an understanding of how futile specific paths are. I know I’m not going to chase a career to meaning, or a relationship, or even having kids. I feel like those are the big ones that most ordinary people go for.

but it keeps going, the litany of pointless destinations. I’m not going to chase a religious philosophy to meaning, and in fact all of religion is created to give a sense of grasping towards meaning, without actually providing any destination. You’ll run that treadmill for as long as you believe that there’s something at the end of […]

I’ve spent most of my life making myself pointlessly unhappy. And I’m not sure if it’s that I don’t know how to stop, or I don’t want to stop. But either way, I can’t stop. I get attached to impossible things or fantasies, emotionally invested in them. And they become the only thing that feels meaningful, that feels worthwhile. But meanwhile I’m simultaneously aware that it’s not real, and there’s nothing I can do to make it real. And that hurts me. But I can’t bear to give up on the fantasy, even though it’s hurting me, because if I do then I’ll have nothing. […]

I figured it out. I think I have a spending addiction. Not because I can afford it, but because my brain just doesn’t work the same anymore. I think I am in serious trouble. I think I can no longer be alone. I think while my privacy was super important to me I may have to sacrifice it for a little. In order to get better. I think my mind has been affected by the physical changes in my brain. I dislike myself at the moment. I don’t really want to be around people, i don’t really want to make changes, but i think it’s […]

When will people realize that the things they say hurt?

Like…

I honestly feel like I’m the problem in almost all scenarios where there is a problem and I am involved or near it. And sometimes it feels as though I have no control over being happy. I’ll try and try over and over again, I get myself there and find myself finally in this good place.. And then, crack… That steep staircase I just climbed, crumbled to the ground. Then do it all over again, and again. But to think about it.. When the staircases keep crumbling under you, its […]

I’m… in a lot of pain right now. I’ve nowhere else to turn to right now. I just. Oh god. Everything hurts. I just want to die. I’m forcing myself to shut down otherwise I will ball my eyes out here at my dads girlfriend’s house. It hurts so bad. It’s a physical ache. Please go away. Just. Please. I.

I got my partner’s texts 20 minutes later. I responded, but I know I wont get anything back for awhile. That’s okay, it’s my fault for being fucking stupid and not having my phone on me for too long. 2nd time in a row. Last time […]

I’m lonely. I am a lonely person. I look at myself in the mirror everyday…getting ready for work, getting ready to go out. Not with friends, but with people who can make me feel like I’m not alone. But they know I am. I am alone. Shit. I have no one. But, I have family and I have a partner. But what does that mean when you have no one around to call a friend. I lost all my friends. I am hanging on to my family’s friends. They aren’t my friends. They know of me and me. But, I don’t even think they know […]

I’m a little suicidal but it’s no longer depression. I’m just kinda bored. It’s really weird. I guess I can do things for excitement. But I’m not really wanting anything. Like I’m just trying to be at peace. But even that seems boring right now. And the opposite, strife is unappealing. I think this is what they call nihilism.

this is so ridiculous because I know exactly what will happen, I know what would stop it, but without it the destruction is inevitable. When I say destruction I mean (yet another) relapse into SH and drugs and suicidal agony that lasts about 3 days. Predictable like clockwork. Something triggers me (like it did just now), and I have about 2hrs to break the spiral otherwise I resort to that nasty stuff.

Talking, logic and words won’t help. So this is really a pointless rant. There has to be a physical interruption in my destructive routine. A knock at the door and someone diverting my attention […]

Take me back beater time machine

PSA: Big red tomato face. Oh, god damn. Sunburnt. D: Nao people are going to assume I have a buck red ass too D: stupid anxiety

Everything still feels so distant. I’m still so distant from the world and reality. I wanna cry.

I stayed alive these years for my daughter’s sake. Last time I was here she was about 13. Now she’s 22. I just learned she has recently made some really fucked up decisions ~ and she’s certainly entitled to. But the lies and the deception ~ and the lengths she’s willing to go ~ blow my mind. And her nonchalance when confronted made my blood run cold. I don’t know this person. I don’t recognize her at all. It’s possible she has no conscience. I’m not sticking around to find out. I’ll put my affairs in order, figure out what to do with the cats, […]