cw/ graphic suicidal ideation
Nothing in the society that I live in holds real value anymore. Most careers today are tasks that help make some CEO richer. Painting and music hold no sort of sacredness under Capitalism. So many people in my country have died alone from the pandemic, and it seems as though no one cares. There’s so many expectations for me at the age that I am now. I don’t have anything figured out.
The thought of dying doesn’t scare me. I don’t say this to seem like a hardass or anything, either. I view death as the ultimate peace from this abhorrent […]

I passed the tests my employer set, thus I get to continue doing the job I was hired for…. I’m empty.. had a long talk with the suicide lifeline people, and it fundamentally comes down to believing this or not;

people have innate value.
I think that’s the big joke, that we even pretend that’s true. In my state this month alone hundreds of preventable deaths, my governor says thoughts and prayers. So why are they asking me to stick around on this planet? I’d just be one more of thousands who covid finished off.

I had to drive an hour out, and an hour back to […]

Not suicide related.

Watching the inauguration ceremony for Biden, and am just amazed that any human being has the confidence, arrogance and desire to believe they can lead a nation, to be willing to accept the responsibility for all that happens, especially in today’s climate. I can’t wrap my depressed dysfunctional mind around this concept. The personality this job requires…if this responsibility was placed on me, I would instantly kill myself.  It’s mind boggling.  Willingly accepting responsibility for a nation. What an immensely broad spectrum the human brain is capable of functioning in, makes me sad that I have trivial goals that I will most likely […]

i want to die.

I’m so unsatisfied with life and who i am. I can’t stand myself. I want nothing more than to die. Nothing makes me happy. I’m always angry and long for death. Life has just been disappointment and anger. And I have the urge to end it all. I hate waking up every day. I have nothing and no one to look forward to. I don’t give a fuck about anyone or anything. The fact that I’m still alive pisses me the fuck off. 24 years is too fucking long. I can’t take it anymore. I went from cutting myself to stabbing myself with needles. I […]

Long time no see, but not really. Don’t have friends or anyone on here or anywhere else really. Just going down memory lane finding old accounts and stuff online before ********* on my birthday.

*Waves*

My head spends a lot of time thinking of the notion of off. As in dead. Wanting the solace of no more. Quiet. Nothing. The lure of peace. By no more. Just getting to that point. Sooner or later how it may be. But in the end, robbed blind of the feeling of no more. The agony.

What is the key to our depression? Is it that we just need the following:

-self-love
-self confidence
-self acceptance
-basic needs (housing, food, steady income, etc)
-someone who really knows us, and loves us, despite how fucked up we are

If that’s the case (for me), then HOW in the fuck do I get get back self love, self confidence, and self acceptance? I used to have confidence and didn’t hate myself in the past. But now it’s all gone to sh*t and I hate how I haven’t been able to do a damn thing due to my depression and lack of self […]

I wish I knew how to ever be proud of anything I’ve done. I woke up this morning thinking about every place I’ve missed the mark on my goals;

the kind of family I wanted to have

the person I wanted to marry

the degrees I wanted to get

the place I wanted to live

Now here’s the weird thing; I have other things to fill those slots. On paper, it should be lovely. Yet, my heart aches in the suspicion that I will never see satisfaction in this life.

It isn’t so much that not existing would be better, given that I wouldn’t experience it. The thing I wish I […]

When you are an average joe and you dont have a legit reason why you want to put a hole through your head…

my mom tells me that its just because of quarantine and that my emotions rise when im tired. shes right about one thing, im tired. i cant sleep until 3-5 am and i feel like roadkill that just recently got run over and is still alive, experienceing organ failure. i have two voices in my head now: the one that makes me count and tap things 5 times and the one that tells me to just grab some ibuprofen and fucking overdose because nobody wants me anymore. i know that the second voice (his name is steven) isnt true because my girlfriend loves me but […]

I’ve been numb for a few weeks now, and I absolutely hate it. I hate not being able to feel happiness. I miss the girl who used to smile and actually mean it. I miss the girl I used to be. I really just want to die tbh.

What kind of a person prides himself on never shedding a tear or really ever caring when their mother or father dies? This is the asshole I am married to.  His dad was a nice guy. He died yesterday and he just shrugged it off as if he deserved to die for believing in the wrong religion.  He suffered with COVID and then Pneumonia for three weeks and died struggling to take a breath.

My husband is a selfish person who believes he is smarter and better than everyone else.  He enjoys making everyone’s live just as miserable as possible.  He is one of many reasons […]

See your oldest son wither away right before your eyes. I’m a parent of a 6 and 4 year old. I am a veteran who could barley stand on two feet before the military. Sprinkle some uncle sam b/s into the equation and you have damaged goods.

But as a parent…what’s it like to watch your oldest son wither away like an parched plant. I know it’s gotta be tough. I have ignored and self medicated my mental illness to the point where I am debilitated. They are old school and wounds you can’t see dont exist. Plus, being 34 on the cot in the […]

I suddenly couldn’t feel anymore. It take the adrenaline from the fight or flight response just to get out of bed in the morning. I have the opportunity to say bye as everything crumbles around me. Soon I’ll probably be admitted to the hospital if I make it that far. It pains me to wake up every morning knowing that someone else could use my wasted life to do great things.

I usually hide in hotel rooms due to not having a stable living situation. I made enough money to do so back when I was contracting for the military. Can’t afford it now. No where to hide the meltdown of drinking myself to sleeping pill after sleeping pill. This time in particular its bad. It’s more physical than it’s ever been.

I woke up this morning and didn’t go to work. I drove around in circles. I’m homeless save that I have a child in two separate locations. So I sleep on a cot during the week and a guest bed on the weekends. I have no energy and all. I only experience life through the veil of depression and utter calamity.

I’m a veteran and father of 2 small children. Thankfully their mothers/grandmothers are still around in my absence. And to be honest I’ve been absent for quite some time. I cannot remember my last genuine smile. My illness is so bad that I’ve been […]

If one day you wake up and I’m gone don’t cry, don’t grieve, don’t write paragraphs about how much you loved me because when I was alone in my darkest hours, you weren’t the one that would stay up at night to make sure I was alright, don’t say I was a wonderful girl and wonder how people be so cruel because on some ways, you were the reason I might’ve took my own life away that night.. -TF

Cut it into your body,
Burn it into your soul.
Your mind
Is not in control.
————————————

I don’t want to take pills, I don’t want to do therapy, I don’t want to do anything: I just want to wake up and be okay.