I take my meds, i dont drink or smoke weed anymore..definitely dont pop percs anymore. My last attempt was close to a year ago. I still feel like shit. Even when i was a zombie on the higher doses of medication i was still doing bad. I try to be a good person and not lash out at anyone but i still have alot of stress i cant unload in any outlet. Soon as i experience something positive my expectations skyrocket and im soon dissapointed rather fucking quickly. I need a job because i got denied disability but i never get accepted for an interview. […]

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Mr. Sun, what are you doing here today?
You are bothering my sleep, and I’d rather you not.
But I’m not mad. Though, I’d rather sleep forever.
Want to know why, Mr. Sun?
When I sleep, I feel as though the black ocean from the back of my mind comes and washes away all that was left of the day.

A good song is My recovery by James Arthur

I really want to die but im still too scared to do it alone even though ive been trying and failing for years now

I hate myself! I hate myself! Alcohol just keeps enabling me to do the worst shit but its the only thing that takes the edge off. I know im a bad person and its so fucking laughable how im still trying to convince myself im not. I keep scaring people and losing control and lashing out.  I dont even want to be alive but i have to be. I have to be for other people but im just so tired and weak. I wish everyone would just stop clinging on to me so hard and let me go. I dont want to be here anymore […]

I’m 20. My back is fucked. I almost always have a headache. I might have arthritis or something in my fingers. I get random pains in my arms and legs. My feet get cramps and lock up. I can’t breath because of an undiagnosed chest problem, so no running or walking a lot plus I will take random gulps of air. and let’s not even get started on my mental problems. I have multiple personalities. Mood swings that i have zero control over. Anxiety that is on occasion crippling. It’s honestly amazing I can even leave the house. dissociation so bad that I’m not even […]

Long story short, my life is a complete failure. It’s full of wrong decisions, (in)actions, regrets, mistakes after mistakes, that I honestly think maybe it’s already too late to “fix everything” (eg: I’m losing all the good chances/opportunities, as I’m getting old now). It’s really ironic & tragic, because a lot of people always say that I’m very talented especially in music (I used to be quite an active musician & composer/songwriter, but sadly I’m still not famous & successful), smart, a deep thinker, a highly sensitive person, etc etc.

I am also an idealist, meaning that I actually have a BIG vision & idea for […]

I began my journey pure as light, a kid with sparkle in my eyes who didn’t know what fault was, looking for love and respect and as I didn’t know how to hit life, it hit me first, and I found out that it’s not that bad to not be humane, to be more humane is a crime and like that a drop of darkness fell in my essence because others didn’t give a shit on my decency and then I said there’s no more room for anything holly in this world, we loose ourselves between needles, smokes and jokes made on weaker people, we […]

This isn’t a story about how I almost killed myself, but it certainly paved the way for me to experience suicidal thoughts in the future. The fall semester of 2019 for me was by far the most stressful and demoralizing period of my entire academic life up to date. If there was one good thing to come out of it, it’s that I discovered I’ve been dealing with depression and other mental issues for many years now. Never the less, this particular semester caused me to reach my breaking point where I just felt like I wasn’t good enough, that I am completely worthless, that […]

This feeling
This sensation
The recognition
But
The disremembrance of this
What is this?
We are all the same here
I believe we are
Maybe not on the outside
But
We all share the same interests
But, who is the odd one out?
All of us?
One of us?
It all feels too familiar
Like a deja vu
Maybe it’s because I can’t remember
But
The sensation
The recognition
The wave of emotions take over
Mind completely blank
My only escape taken from me
The other one out of reach
This familiarity
If only I can remember
Something, other than the pain of a deja […]

I love you little brother and as soon as I can ill make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmas’. Have an amazing day little dude. One more year has passed and that’s a year closer to me getting you back. I’m sorry I ever left but I hope when you’re older and I tell you you’ll understand. I couldn’t stay and it had nothing to do with you or our other brother. It’s because of you that I stayed as long as I did. I miss you guys sooo much. and I love you both with all of my heart.

Poured all my fucking fury into a fucking flower pic. Didn’t help at all.

Suicidal thoughts come in 2 forms. One is if you feel trapped by external forces (poverty, bullying, bad luck, loss), and the other is if you’re trapped by your own internal issues. It’s the 2nd one that I’m wondering about, those of us whose minds are so hopelessly scrambled by trauma or self-loathing or whatever led us to this point.

If you’re in that category, then suppose everything else in your life became perfect. You found your perfect soulmate, you got a great job and promising career, a reason to live, all that stuff. Could you make it work?

Or would you end up right back here?

If […]

What is the point of kindness when I have so much fury. Nothing changes, people are utter shit, even people I’ve known for 33 years are utter shit. This fucking world is utterly pointless.

We just exist to be used.

I am so utterly fucking lonely. Day in day out. Every fucking day of my life there is at least some amount of time when there is a black pit of loneliness in my life. This black pit I have poured just about everything I could into and the pit is endless. It never ends. Why do I just keep […]

Why does it make me smile?
There is no happiness there
Is it because it is funny?
It brought about my laughter?
It wasn’t sincere
It was just a fake
I do not feel happy
There is none left
It must be because it was something called “funny”
I was hurt by that person
He brought back deja vu
The darkness in my vacant eyes
I paid none
As they stole
He asked for help
And I laughed

Ten years ago I found my depression, and lost my mind
Nine years ago I found my first razor, and lost my body
Eight year ago I found the pill bottle, and nearly lost my life
Seven years ago everyone found out I was gay
Six years ago I lost my ROTC scholarship
Five years ago I lost my friends
Four years ago I lost my family
Three years ago I lost the national championship
Two years ago I lost my passion
Last year I lost my best friend (and soul mate)
Six months ago I lost motivation
Last week I lost my sanity
Yesterday […]

In this space
My eyes are open
But in reality, they’re closed
There is nothing around me
But darkness
And I sit
Waiting for something
Anything
And it comes
Whatever it was
It was a darkness unwelcoming
It brought about truths, lies, and all things in the dark
I hide
And wish for that darkness
For the night the savior arrives
It visits me every night
Coming like a wave of pure black night
Washing over me
Cleansing
Removing
Ridding the scars the other one left
I swam in an ocean of freedom
The scars gone
A light flashed
Intrigued, I reached towards it
It […]

If I’ll get the Corona virus it may kill me