I really don’t know how to explain this but I’m going to try anyways.
First of all, I honestly planned to die this month, it seems I made it through, that’s not surprising. I really was serious about it, then when everything was ready and I could die I just was so relieved I haven’t felt that I should. So that’s positive, I guess.
So I’m less suicidal but I feel kinda out of it. It’s really like a disconnection in a way, I’m just doing and not thinking, like I’m on autopilot. That is making it hard to maintain conversations, and thereby relationships, because […]

I’ve stopped finding happiness, like completely. I know happiness is just an illusion but it felt good when I had some. It doesn’t matter if I’m achieving something or someone close to me is. I thought I was getting better but what was happening was that I was just trying to forget the “fact” that I can’t run away, idk about others but I certainly can’t run away. Past stays there, in that little corner of this thing called mind. Also, I didn’t have a bad childhood, my family’s with me, I’m a good student (atleast that’s what everybody thinks), then what’s the problem? […]

After years of destroying my skin in times of desperation/crisis/stress, I thought that I’d managed to replace it with better/healthier/safer coping methods.

I thought I had finally started to stabilise.

I should have known better.

https://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Metallica-Fade-to-Black.m4a

This is to anybody who give a fuck!

All my life i’ve felt like i don’t belong.  Starting as far back as I can remember i’ve been a loner, not by choice. I had one friend before i was 10 but then i moved away and lost contact with him. Then in my teens i had one good friend who went and died in a motorcycle accident. That was when i was 16 yrs old and now i’m 47 and only have one friend who actually calls me. All the rest of my acquaintances are just that, acquaintances! A little more about me. I’m an […]

Last night I picked up a bottle of pills and poured all of them in my mouth, there was about 40 in the bottle. I didn’t swallow them because I still have things I need to do before I can end my life, but in that moment I realized how easy I could end it. I was always scared to kill myself because I thought it would be difficult I didn’t know what to do. But when I put the pills in mouth I realized I could just go ahead and swallow them and end it now. I’m not as scared as before because now […]

i have been trying to understand why am i such a bitter, lonely, negative and so miserably hopeless – trying to understand why and when did i get like that.. the first thing that i think crushed me was being rejected at a young age and equally so the fear of being rejected in the future – it stayed with me all of my life. funny thing is when i was a teenager i had some good friends but as i became more and more depressed all of my fair weather friends shunned me as if i had leprosy or something. i always came to […]

I woke up today feeling a wreck.
Last night I stayed up writing what I would like to say in court if there is any sort of hearing on this restraining order that is set to expire.
I’ve already formulated a response if this person tries to talk to me as well, which will probably never even happen.
It’s hypervigilance. The anxiety about the whole thing is very overwhelming.

The best outcome is probably to least likely to happen, which makes me feel hopeless. I don’t think this person ever intended to hurt me. I just don’t even really know why we aren’t talking to begin […]

Every day is a struggle and every morning a disappointment. I feel like an empty shell, crawling day by day to survive, in a world I don’t want to be in, but I was forced to. Lost my faith because after over 30 years of begging for my suffering to stop, I’m still here. I’m on my own and contemplating every single day…

Found this site a few years ago and I’m crying every time I read it. But somehow, în a weird way, I cry of pain, empathy and relief în the same time. Because I realize I’m not alone as we’re many în this […]

We shouldn’t even exist

No matter how much i take, i still wake up

I feel so useless. I am just wasting my life away. I thought I was okay in where I am in my life, but when I look at my friends, I’m jealous of their accomplishments. I feel like I’m not doing anything, and I feel like trash all the time. I feel like I have to pretend everything is okay, but it’s really not. I know some of my friends are sad too and might feel the same way. I don’t know what to tell them or how to comfort them.

About 3 years ago, I had my first “real” suicide attempt after I was raped at prom (I don’t count all the times I went to sleep with things tight around my neck). For a year or two after, I struggled with suicidal and shame-filled thoughts and was desperate to find an escape. I finally did in the form of my boyfriend who came with a brand new family and a brand new life. For a while I forgot about all the trauma and sadness, I was able to bury it deep under all the new excitement and hope I had. Unfortunately, for the past […]

“i had all, and then most of you, some, and now none of you. Take me back to the night we met”

-Lord Huron, the night we met.

I’m a transsexual woman. I transitioned late in my life. 9 years ago at 44 years of age. Transition cost me my career, every family connection to include my children and any hope for a normal life. I have been homeless 3 times since transition. I have been dismissed from crappy jobs just because I transitioned. Now, even though I am legally female, i am facing incarceration with men just because a judge wants to make a point.

I have had 5 serious attempts. Now faced with the reality that I will forever be alone as no person wants to create any kind of a life […]

(posted a video, don’t know why it won’t show up without clicking the post)

That’s the silly nickname I’ve given My Eye. My Eye’s unresponsive now, gone, I can’t reach My Eye. My Eye had just confessed to being very, very depressed. My Eye’s LGBT and from a really abusive family. I love My Eye, but I asked My Eye a difficult question right before My Eye went radio silent. I’m scared My Eye will commit suicide. My Eye’s the best I’ve ever had, I don’t… it’s… what do I do? I’m suicidal too. I don’t think I can take it. There has been a long string of deaths around me. I’m a bad luck charm, I guess. I […]

I would give anything to be free of the knowledge of what I’ve done. I don’t know if it’s even guilt. It’s hard to feel guilt, when you don’t know if what you did had any real impact on others. I suppose I wronged a lot of people, in an abstract kind of way. But I don’t know if that’s what I feel bad about that, if it didn’t actually change anything for them. Maybe I’m in denial.

I think I mainly feel bad for me – being the one who has to live (or not) with what he’s done. Having to know what I know […]

One of the only reasons I haven’t killed myself is this guy. I would worry too much about what would happen to him if I died. I also had a nightmare recently that my mom killed herself, and it really made me think twice.

I’m just still really torn up about the restraining order. I know in my last post there were some comments that were helpful. I’m not so much obsessed with the person who has the restraining order….more obsessed with understanding the […]

Not suicide related

There is clearly no point in being emotional over my ex anymore. I have to get into his head. I’ve always wondered how he can manage by showing such little emotion over things, or seemingly none at all (allegedly a sign of a sociopath? haha)
Anything he says or does, its just words. Even if they are ‘nice’ things.
I mean, I foresee that he’ll eventually throw me away in the future anyway, he’s done it to others recently, intentionally or otherwise. Funnily enough it seems like I’m the only person he really talks to lately.
Didn’t really think that the coronavirus situation […]

Sometimes I come here to only read, sometimes I come here to read and respond to others. Sometimes I feel the need to write something myself but don’t know what exactly… It’s always the st@pid same sh@t.!

My day is fine until someone disappoints me.. I really hate how much some things affect me. I don’t know what is wrong with me, to even be upset about such unimportant cr@p. My sensitivity is beyond normal and I don’t know what to do anymore..

The battle inside me is really insane, no one understands, how much energy it takes up, to not go crazy on them. […]