I swear I had all the preparations done. Everything was in place. The method, the suicide letters to my family and friend, the timing.

Out of the blue I receive a message from the other side of the world. A 30-minute conversation has thrown my suicidal ideations out of the realm of “must” and into the chaotic reality of “should” and “can”.

I thought I had found my way out of the wilderness into the dark. Suddenly there’s a light. An unavoidable brightness lighting the path of a monster (me) that was blind to all else for too long.

Am I imagining this? Is my mind/body fighting so […]

I mannaged to be in two weeks more than 6 time affiliated on my case with the Intensive Care Unit, the Ambulance, the Police.

So, I won’t turn to be a warmogger  in Israel, Syria, Lebanon, Westjordan etc.

But I would have liked to. Instead, I increased my Experiences in Substances to 90 different upon 70+ are Drugs. The lastest was very hideous to counter and could have had killed me easily or turning me disablied.

I count unwillingly that I’ll be one day very disabled by my actions, so I need to clarify that such a Life in my Imagination should not be kept alive. I hope […]

Why are you depressed?

Me:
Childhood abuse and trauma
Adult Life not working out – no friends, no job, health issues, loneliness.

I like the feeling of it running across my skin.
I like the deep rich color.
I like the scars that it leaves behind, the look, the feel.
I like the stains it leaves.
I like the pain it brings.
I like everything about it.
But I hate myself because of everything I do to see it

Suicide is heavy on my mind and all I want to do is slit my skin until the internal pain is gone.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

It follows that as Death stands at my door — or rather as I stand before Death’s door knocking madly — that Existential Dread creeps into every thought like so much metaphysical graffiti.

These last few dark days the Serenity Prayer has been drifting in and out of my head. I always read those words as an uplifting call to soldier on in Life. Now I see a different meaning: Free Will. Only the Self can truly possess the […]

i cant do this any longer turn it off im done

i try my hardest everyday to see the light. but some days its so dark, its like a black hole. just eating all the light that comes any wheres near it. but i still try even though i see it as pointless. like im in a well clawing and digging hoping to grab a hold of anything to pull myself up. but it seems all i have to hold on to is the lighter side of my mood/personality disorder. its nothing more than a little twig. not the strong root that i need to hold me. i need to find something stronger before i […]

Rifling my garbage of memories, kind of auditing my choices and mistakes I’ve made, I realized how many speedbumps, potholes, ditches and wrong turns there had been en route to Shitlifetown, where I’ve taken up lodging. Why did I keep going like that?

I just couldn’t apply the brakes and stop for any course correction. I had no map for my life in front of me either. Okay that’s a dishonest excuse, I guess. Nobody got it except freakin’ Nostradamus. But still so many people make it to Disneyland in season.

Fact is, they made use of their compass and I pawned it off upon hard times. […]

No, my life isn’t hard I have rich parents mom and stepdad two step-siblings both younger than me, I have a laptop phone and go to a rich school, my grades are decent with the lowest being a C in PE, although my parents emotionally abuse me and constantly tell me Ill never amount to anything in my life, I still don’t have it bad as others do and I keep telling my self that, but it isn’t working I haven’t felt anything since my mom got full custody from my dad probably and it all started there and my emotions never quite came back […]

Things are going kind of fine but something seems off, maybe it’s myself, maybe it’s the people around me, whatever it is, it’s draining my soul and my will to live I just don’t even know how I’m continuing to live, I just want to go away and make things better but I can’t. 

Can I ask you a question? What the fuck? 

You started this whole dramatic chain of events that completely threw my entire world out of balance. Of course like the Piscean that I am, I sat here and mentally dissected the entirety of what happened and I’m even more confused. 

You claimed  that I was the most amazing person that you know. “I have always been in love with you” and “you’re perfect” were just some amongst the gallons of word vomit regurgitated at me on a daily basis. 

Everyone likes compliments. Maybe I kept you around to hear them. I don’t know. But anyways. 

My reasons for not […]

I should just do it already. I hate waking up. I hate interacting with others. Im just being used and abused daily and its not possible to make it stop unless im dead. I wish you werent here so my life could be good. Stop making others do things for you. do it yourself.

Life dont change. It cheats you. Surprise, surprise…

I’m back here !

 I envy mass shooters. When I say Mass, not talking about 2 or 3 deaths. That’s fucking annoying and where I live my country overreacts when it comes to public shooting.
Despite how sad it maybe to some people the news media loves the coverage keeps them in business.

“Mass” shooters are special in ways that I’m fascinated with. They cross the line of Man made restrictions. (Law/Human morals) they are a perfect representation of what this disgusting Humanity really represents. We are truly barbaric always have, always will.

I see people on news after the shooting and they act all surprised and shocked and […]

This is a question for you to answer.

I’m so happy.
Not about my life, nor that I found reasons to live longer now.
I’m just so happy and so proud about most of you.
I was so afraid sometimes that I wouldn’t find anyone among the commoners that think like me. I didn’t meet anyone, among 1 thousand people I might have met in my life until now, among friends, friends of friends, dating apps/websites, co-students, forums, … that actually thought like me or at least understand my suffering and how lonely I feel. How deeps is the abyss of my soul. Which result by having to fight every day, at least […]

Advice? Ive always had a strong stance towards change. I never wanted someone to change because of me. Its my problem not yours. You shouldnt have to change who you are because of me. Is mental illness different? Lately ive been thinking about leaving my husband because we are 2 different people. Where as my temper gets set off because someone decided to “step on my toes” his will get set off by the stupidest little things like someone walked out in front of him. I understand why. He explained it to me. But i grew up being yelled at and now when theres anger […]

At the moment of catastrophe, at the threshold of certain death, this is when we confess our sins.

I called the BS National Suicide Prevention hotline. What a joke and then some. A waste of breath and time and hope. I’m glad in a way that this forum exists so those of us who are not kidding around with how serious life and death are can speak our minds and leave a little piece of ourselves behind without judgement.

I have been planning my suicide for 9 months. Well, my entire sentient conscientious life anyway. But now it comes to it and I’m terrified. There I said […]

im 22 years old and have no hopes or aspirations of the future. I have no faith in my abilities to be responsible, to make friends, or to be a normal functioning person. I wake up in the morning and cry because I have no real people that value me in my life. My family has never given a shit about me. And all of my “friends” only show the definition of FAKE LOVE. I don’t know what to do. Don’t know where to start. Have no hobbies or anything that makes me happy. Should I just die?