I wish l had an easy exit at da momnt

I will start skipping my meals. I don’t want to eat. I don’t deserve to eat. Im in pain and i cause constant pain to everyone. I will punish myself and stop eating.
Im starting now.

I don’t understand what is going on with me, I just don’t feel joy anymore. Okay I feel some sort of joy momentarily, for example when I see something super interesting or very funny, but these just last a couple of seconds. I don’t have interest in pretty much anything. And when I have the interest I cannot find the energy to pursue it, I’m indifferent to so many things. I’m looking back and seeing that the last time I was happy was back in 2011 or something. And one day in 2015 when I bought myself something that I wasn’t expecting to find. I […]

I feel like if i could love someone. save them from what im feeling right now. i could be ok.
every second of the day i wish i had someone to hug. im not lonely, im just upset that i cant love someone.
i have so much love to give, the only time im happy is when i make other people happy.
but nobody wants to let me love them because im a freak.
life is like the movie taxi driver. im in a constant dreamstate trying to choose between proving my masculinity with violence or heroic compassion towards a someone who needs me.
i […]

He adopted me. I was going grocery shopping and when I opened my door to step outside, he raced into the apartment and now refuses to leave. I guess I’ve got room for one more.

The days don’t stop. I got a taste of happiness and freedom. A week of that and I returned to this hell only to spiral back down. I’m so tired. So so tired.

Um. What can I say.
You’ve just been rick-rolled

Im so fucking sad. I think it’s the worst day of my life .My heart is totally broken. My favourite human on the world,who is my boyfriend, told me he wants to be only my friend. I started crying and sobbing. We finally didnt breake up but he said he wants me to change because im making him suffer and in other words that im destroying his life. He also supoused that i cant be his exception and that he also has a life. He broke my fucking heart so much! I love him so much! He also does … but the fact of me […]

I wrote a letter yesterday to my grandma telling her to not blame herself for my decision. No one was to blame for what I have done. I lost my papa in 2017 and I have not coped well since then. I died with him and I have finally understood what that meant. My boyfriend has tried to help me but I don’t share my feelings. So my decision comes from only me. I am alone and have always been alone. No matter how many people I surround myself with, I have always felt alone.

It makes things like this easier because I don’t have anyone […]

Sometimes I draw imaginary people, and I literally fall in love with my drawings. I spend time looking at it. It drives me crazy, I need to love an actual person. Well I should try to know people, make friends, blah blah. Fuck that, I can’t. I aint got the ability to. I need someone to love.

I can’t even relate with myself. What am I doing?
I’m starting to get scared… if I meet my boyfriend on Aug 1st, then that’s only like 12 days way… omg really.
That’s crazy… last time we met was May 2018, sooooooo much has happened between then. Dunno what adjective to use lol.
I don’t know how to feel.
I know there’s many who have got it alot worse than me. So I feel bad for even writing here. I always feel bad for writing here. I just like to vent about my stupid so called ‘life’.
I believe he’s the only one in the […]

working 7 days a week
living out of my car
no career
no family
declining health
resentment of myself

it wouldn’t have to be this way, if i had made better choices. if i had better circumstances. life has the potential to be enjoyable and full of pleasure, but can just as easy become a living hell. to go back to when i was 15 and change my choices that led to this. i could literally change everything, i could build a career, start a family in time, and gain happiness in myself. but life isn’t a fictional story, and some things just aren’t meant to […]

I think it’s strange how quick humans are to forget someone. Why can’t I forget them the way they forget about me?

How does one start a conversation they dont want to have but feel its best?

Ive thought it over time and time again but can never figure out the words to put out on paper.  I just think it’s time I move on and just pray that God will forgive me when  I see him. And today is the day. I cant live with this chaos within. I cant hold on for more hope. Their eyes all say the same thing. I will give them the realease of the burden Ive become. These pills make my heart thump hard and I can feel it becoming harder to breathe. Im trying to be brave and believe that this time they work. […]

I hadn’t planned to write another post here. No, my life didn’t get worse, it actually got better although I got my own share of disappointments lately.

I have truly recovered much of my life. Perhaps you wonder why I do still stay here if everything is so much better?

The thing is that although there are GOOD people in this world, I still couldn’t really find them, get closer to them. As a matter of fact, I find you (as suicidal, miserable and complaining as you are) much better than the so called “normal” people of our societies.

Take for the example the average Joe. He has […]

I am abused. I’m in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend.

 Every day, I get abused by him. Not just physically, mentally too. It’s gotten worse recently… He used to call me fat, he used to call me ugly. But now it has gotten so bad that. He will scream at me, begging me to kill myself. He tells me constantly that I’m disgusting, that nobody wants me (not even him), that I’m worthless, a disappointment, I’m an unwanted, shitty person and that I’m a complete waste of space. On top of all this, my boyfriend started physically abusing me about a year ago. He used […]

My last post was on Christmas Eve 2012. It was a Christmas wish list. I didn’t get any of the things on it.

Meanwhile, I’ve gone through another cycle of recovery and decline. Guess which part of the cycle I’m at now? Whilst I’m not quite ready to catch the bus, I’ve spent much of the past 7 years researching and planning. Some of this includes installing safety mechanisms to ensure I don’t go too soon or too hastily, whilst ensuring that I can still leave when I’m truly ready.

Looking back on my old posts from when I was at my […]

I find it so hard to keep hold of a consistent view of reality. I’m not psychotic – I don’t see or hear things that aren’t there. But I am extremely neurotic. My perceptions of this world and it’s nature are constantly fluctuating, from moment to moment, and I don’t know how to cope with that. No matter how many times I hammer out my reasons for continuing to live, and write them down to try to reinforce them, within a few hours I’ll be gripped by despair again and emotionally convinced I’d be better off dead. It’s an endless loop.

I believe my parents would […]

What is this feeling?
Maybe I fancy you

When you try to search me when im disappear
When you insist to call me when i jail myself
When you try to make me laugh
When you wonder what happen
When you ask if i cry
When you tell your story
When you always hear my story
When you always there

If i keep this as a secret
Until that time come
Will you still be there for me
Will you still fancy me

What should i do
I started to like your voice
Again

It doesnt matter who like who first
Right?