I have this constant longing for a relationship. And I don’t think I’m capable of being in one. Not just right now, but ever. I don’t think there’s anything I can do to become someone that anyone would want to be with. And that’s the part that really sucks – the hopelessness. When I was young I could tell myself a positive narrative about the things I lacked in life. That I’d grow as a person, overcome my difficulties and get there in the end. And that puts your mind at ease. It allows you to be ok with it. Whereas now I still have […]
Last night, I couldn’t sleep for hours. I had the same thought, same urge, over and over and over for hours before that. I’ve had it before, though never did it. Well, last night, I did. It still hurts. I did it earlier tonight too but it’s not near as bad – kinda quit in the middle of it, got distracted by something. Can’t remember what. The pain is nice compared to the other stuff. Someone came over – my mom’s mom, the one who causes nothing but shit for us all. Pulled my hair and got mad that I reacted negatively. All I thought […]
Shits been going good, but it’ll come down soon. At some point, someone’s gonna keel over and I just fucking know it’ll be the end of me. I finally have most of what I wanted all my life and it’s not gonna last. I can speak at ease with my father, and I have friends to talk to. I have savings, a job, and my own skills. But sooner rather than later, someone is gonna die, and they won’t get to be there if I have kids, find a woman, enter a career, leave a legacy. All because whatever bastard made this world put everyone […]
It’s really late again. I have an exam tomorrow, and I’ve been studying in bits and pieces, but mostly wasting time smoking with a variety of people. The result is I haven’t studied much. I’m pretty sure I’m going to do average at best tomorrow. It doesn’t even matter that much to me anymore. I’ve stopped being able to care for grades. I’m considering going home. I found a train with tickets available. I realized it’s the city I miss really. Not home. I’m not sure I should go, and sacrifice attendance just to swelter in the heat. It’s the rain I miss. Summer is […]
I miss home. This is the third monsoon I will not see. I feel like utter trash. I miss it. But I can’t go back. I have till June. Then I can choose to for two whole months. But I won’t. I sleep in the guest room when I go home these days. The family computer is in there and my parents work in it in the day. The pull out bed has wheels and a crack that you fall into in the middle. Any personal effects I want I have to shuttle back and forth. An overnight train and so much public transport in […]
I think after a while you start to recognize patterns in yourself. Ticks that you see in your own behaviour. So when bad things happen you are more aware of how you handle them. Thinking back to a year ago where I was doing everything in my power to avoid the lab and my teammates and how I was so sure that I would flunk out after my first semester. That same sort of detachment and flight instinct I seem to have at the end of every semester. But I feel like I’m rounding a curve where things are going […]
I just… want to feel something- anything- other than this. I’ve been like this for months now. And it feels like it’s only getting worse- that I’m slowly sinking. I can’t bring myself to do anything, it’s nearly impossible to find joy in anything. I’ve isolated myself from everyone. I don’t have any energy to talk, no energy to come up with good lies or excuses when people on the outside ask about things. So I just kinda sit here. And I sit. And I rot. It’s so hard to bring myself to care, but when I do I just feel embarrassed, and ashamed. Knowing […]
I’ve been getting closer to a girl from one of my classes. Today, we walked to the buses together since our final periods are across from each other.
She tried to make conversation with me, and I tried to engage with her, but I had to repeat myself so. many. times. because I kept stuttering and stumbling over my words. I gave up eventually and we walked in silence the rest of the way.
I feel so stupid and embarrassed.
I’m probably being overdramatic. But I can’t help but feel this way when I am struggling to do things that normal people can do without a second thought.
I […]
Yeah, that’s how I feel in society I am an alien, I am alien to mankind and feel like I don’t belong, been given the feeling I don’t. I feel alienated to what people have become – or always have been? I don’t know. How come ‘humanity’ is this disgusting mess of people torturing, murdering others indifferently? We have genocides, wars, hunger, murder, the inhumane exploitation and slaughter of animals in numbers almost 10x as high as our entire (out of control) 8 billion population (excluding trillions of fish). The world is burning, literally and in every regard, and somehow no one cares? Or at […]
Nobody helps. People just do their own thing. I wish I could take some happiness pills that don’t have bad side effects
GM
~3min
Tesla
https://www.vox.com/technology/2023/4/6/23673339/tesla-camera-privacy
—-
Welcome to 1984. The dystopian world is here. Most newer cars come with cameras, so it’s not just GM, Onstar, or Tesla. How do you know your car is not spying on you?? If it’s a new or new-ish car, it probably is.
Also, everyone who uses Alexa or Siri- they’re definitely listening to everything, 24-7.
I can’t really make sense of my mind. It has bizarre quirks to it that make life so much harder to live. Obsessions that I can’t get over. Irational fears that hold me back. Nonsensical dreams and idiotic personality ticks that end up screwing me. I think the worst part of it is that I am at least somewhat aware of all this. Got little less than a month left. And my stupid fucking robot is still not done. I’m procrastinating even now. Man am I screwed. I can tell everyone thinks so to. […]
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/BS1QnRpIpik
~10s
lol in what world do Suicide Hotline workers get paid $60/hr?
Hiding
Of
Painful
Events,
Living
Endless
Suffering
Silently,
Never
Ending
Stabbing
Silence.
Are men seriously getting this kind of dating advice? No wonder everyone’s single nowadays! O_o
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/kT_aYzA7oUY
I’ve been sober for 73 days. Lately I’ve been getting nightmares where someone I love is shaking their head in disapproval of my relapse. During the dreams I feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack. When I wake up, I feel my heart rate beating really fast. Sometimes the dreams feel so real that I have to double check that I really didn’t relapse before getting out of bed.
I don’t know why but I get this mentality that if I were to relapse then I’d be a failure. I feel like I’d be hopeless if I did relapse. I feel like […]
This is an odd feeling.
Wrestlemania is on tonight. Wrestlemania 40, WWE on a roll again, with good storylines and everything, and yet I’m not even watching it.
I haven’t watched any wrestling in about 6 months, and I was very into it back in 2020 – 2022 in particular. I stopped after I’d lost my job and just hadn’t picked back up on it. I see headlines so I have an idea of what happening, but I don’t think I care about it as of late.
It’s just weird.
Was on a weight loss regimen, had help and everything, was […]
I’ve been working a new job now for about 2 weeks. It’s been wearing me out. 2 days in, the guy training me quit, and I never learned everything I was supposed to. Im the only person in my department now, and so by default, im now the cheif engineer, and all the responsibilities fall on me. I’m presented with problems all day long, some of which I’m honestly not sure how to remedy. It’s very stressful. I was laying in bed ready to sleep for the night, but got called in tonight to address an emergency situation. When I got there, the problem was […]
I’m so tired of being this. Sad, lost, full of regret and resentment. I don’t want to be this broken thing anymore. It hurts. It’s not an existence that’s worth living. I don’t have it in me to be anything better. There’s too many obstacles, and some of them just can’t be overcome.
and not for nice caring people. People who care the most, people who have empathy, sympathy and feelings- generally tend to be way more depressed and suicidal.
1- Genuinely nice and good ppl get taken advantaged of.
2- Genuinely nice and good ppl (real ones, not the phony ass fake “nice” ppl that’s rampant) are the ones that are bothered by the news, by the state of the world, by actions taken by their local/state/country leaders, other world leaders, hell, even by local Karens and Kens.
The ppl not bothered by anything in the news, not bothered by the suffering of fellow human beings, not bothered […]