Guess i couldn’t really hold out for long. Been a on your here for 4 years… Im In Extreme pain mental/soulful like it hurts. To the point Of where im numb to it… Than empty.. sigh…. This cycle is Horrendous. Imagine feeling this way 24/7… Tired of all the fake shii of society. Nothing seems real to me.. hope im courageous & committed to do it… If you’ve read this far.. much love & appreciated.. stay well

My anger is making me sick. I can feel it in my stomach and in my chest. All my hatred and rage about everything is making me sick. I’m so sick I want to throw up. Everything is making me angry. All the little noises and twitches are making me angry. I feel so sick.

I think i might suffer from ptsd And my relationship with my father is pretty bad. We’ve never been really close especially after some events that happened in my childhood. Long story short, verbal and physical abuse. He even used to beat my cat. At best, he would totally ignore my existence, greeting everyone on the table except me, at worst call me a dog in front of guests, whispering that i was digusting. I was pretty badly beaten by my sibling n he n my mum would make me apologize everytime that happened. It was pretty rough man. Sometimes i wonder how i made […]

I signed myself into the hospital to keep a promise to my wife that I would not follow my plan to disappear (That is the expected result of my death).  Each day hear the desire for that has gotten stronger.    I have attended groups.  listened to counselors and been open to options for longer term in patient care.  Each thing that seams to look promising is evaporating still.   It is like I am playing against a stacked deck of cards.   No way will I win nor no way will I get better.    I know someone will say “Things Get Better” and they do, […]

yep, no question about it now. im an alcoholic. “hubbys not in the room hurry take a drink” and the next thing i know the liter i bought last weekend for this weekend is gone. oops? is it a lot, not really. however lets keep in mind that i cant drink freely. which brings on the next question, how much would i drink if i was able to/alone? idk, most likely more. i hate living, everything about living is working against me and not feeling anymore is a god sent. i hate life. it doesnt even help

Anyone else know this feeling? And I’m never going to see them again

I think I’ll fail, and I’m not sure I wanted to do it this early…
There’s a taunt in the online server and it’s ‘die, *****’ and I know my ex was directing that at me.
So I’ll go and die… right.
I need to
Not going to suffer in this torment anymore.
I don’t know, should I confront him? But he doesn’t give a shit and hates me, and that in itself signifies that I need to go and die.

Literally I SAID I WAS LEAVING AND HE TAUNTS ‘die, *****’ at me.
I said publically in the server that everyone hates me (true) and […]

A few days ago I nearly went through with my plan. Its taken me a few days to muster up the energy to write about it. Idk if anyone really wants to read all this though, it’s a very long post.

It was the day before my birthday. It wasn’t even such a bad day, and it was a momentary decision. It sounds weird when I write it, but after I decided, I tried to make myself even more depressed so I wouldn’t back out. I wrote a quick handwritten note and another longer note on here (which I deleted). I put the password for the […]

I think it really comes down to how petty I feel being dissatisfied. I really want to, because I’ve been trained to since birth, give myself a pep talk that will get me up and swinging again. It’s a huge reflex, but I recoil at the thought of it. _I don’t want to get up!_ Seriously there’s no point. All these things are meant to make a person submissive. Pay your bills, barely touch your debt, fix your belongings. The rest of them seem quite entertained. Must be nice! Then again, clearly I don’t think it’s nice, I think it’s rather a cruel thing to […]

Still writing these from the hospital.    Part of me wants to be humourous and say Psych Ward, Loony Bin, Funny Farm,  or some other slang for mental health facility but I use humour as a defense and maybe it is time to let all those defenses down for the moment.

I had a consult with a facility that specializes in treating depressive disorders like I have.    The Caseworker from this hospital had gotten this started and had even found out a bed was available.  She had done good work getting it that far.

Well, 5 minutes into the consult they told me because I have […]

So I emailed them yesterday “im out of meds tomorrow”. So I called them this morning. “yep I got your email I’ll fax that out just call the pharmacy tomorrow.”

No you’re not understanding in OUT TODAY!!!!! I don’t have any meds left!!! So help me God if the voices come back I am raising all holy hell!!!!

(deep breath) I just got off the phone with the pharmacist. “I can refill it for you.” for an additional fee. However they also informed me that this medication should stay in my system for 3 days so deep breath I should be fine. I’m calling back tomorrow to […]

Steps:

 try to be brave and if you try you will be brave!
chase your dreams! quit your old job and find one that you will love
don’t use things you don’t need. lowering the bills will lower stress
find happiness in your children. your children will be your legacy, so find happiness in them
be successful. many steps and much work you go through. but once your successful you will have a happy life

just found out my babushka (grandma) has cancer.

its absolutely ruining me and i don’t have anyone to cry to about it. she’s in hospital currently and I’m sitting at her dining table with her cat, i haven’t drank alone in a long time and i hate that this is the reason i am. I’m crying so much i feel like I’m gonna throw up. she was already in hospital for an infection and needing extra care, she wasn’t able to look after herself or even walk; now that we know about the cancer i can’t see her getting any better. i was already worried about […]

Why the fuck after so many years do I still end up coming back here to post about how shitty I feel. Why can’t I just be better? Why can’t this have never happened to me?

The last eight years of my life have been so fucking meaningless. A waste of fucking time. Even now I am wasting time, nothing accomplished and nothing to look forward to. Fuck this.

I almost opened up to my older sister today on how I’ve been feeling, but didn’t. We were in the car getting food and I kept thinking to myself about how I was going to tell her everything when we got home. I kept imagining on what I was going to start off by saying and had to hold my tears in because it’s hard for me to open up to people when I don’t understand why I feel this way myself. I’m not going to let this make me feel worse about myself though because this was a start. Progress. Maybe I’ll tell her […]

Well,  it is Sunday and things suck.   I know I came here to get a pause on my plan to disappear.  Well I have that and have been very honest with the staff here with my feelings, plan and all that is going on..  I was hoping that that would give me some sort of hope so I can extend that pause or better yet turn it off completely.

Well, it hasnt.    I am now in a closely monitored room along with having my CPAP machine for sleeping confiscated.   I know the staff are doing their jobs so I will not vent anger towards them.

I […]

Rickrolled, theo, postalservice, postal, the burrow, 4privetdrive ect…. Banned huh??? I wouldn’t trust anyone you don’t already know they have so many alt accounts.

Seriously not making a scene but they should be gone. Theyve been busted using the same emails for alt accounts and yet still you can’t get rid of them?

Not blaming just confused

It also seems that the abuse they put abandoned through is gone. I’m sorry admin but the fact that the proof is gone and they’re still here really looks like a […]

Pele, goddess of volcanoes and fire-
It’s difficult unearthing ancient symbols of strong women and border-line feminism.
Fierce in their endeavors, powerful, and wise. But rare, in those trying days. Irritating, to say the least. Still sifting through chariots and finding good stories though. I found like, two badass goddesses- not very successful –

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.