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I am back here again. Been a year+ I was gone from SP. Not that the past year+ was good mind you. Just not enough to push me to come back to SP I guess -_-

And no, it’s never a good thing to be back, to feel so miserable that we run back to the only solace of commiserating with others who feel the same rotting despair and hell we do.

Anyhow, idk if anyone remembers me. For those who do, Hiya! How’s everyone doing? I know, a funny question. If we’re here, it usually means we’re doing terrible.

How’s […]

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So here I am at rock bottom again, not a coincidence 1 year ago on this exact day , I thought of trying to kill my self too. So here I am , what do to do. It’s not like I haven’t tried before. I just wish it got me somewhere better than here. I don’t belong here, alive I mean , here with all of you. I’m a mistake that was never supposed to be , but no one understands. All they want is me to continue living for their sake. What about mine?!? It is not selfish to die if you […]

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I am 85% sure tonight is the night. My name is Jack and I want my last words to be to my teddy bear, Teddy. Dear teddy, I love u you’re my only true best friend and I know I can tell you all this your sitting on my chest but I want to write this down for people to see because u deserve the world. I’m sorry for leaving u but I’m sure ur soul will follow me wherever I go at least I hope so. For all the 17 years we’ve been together, you’ve never hurt me, made me upset, insulted me. You’re […]

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i feel like its just a constant back-and-forth between a life that’s tolerable and one that is absolute misery. i’ve gone this entire day speaking to nobody in-person, just stewing in my own thoughts as i try to get things finished around the house. i’m doing everything right, i’m practicing healthy coping skills and eating better and exercising and i have people in this world to live for but i just want to wipe it all away so i can disappear without it hurting anyone

it’s been this way for years, and i just don’t get the point anymore of enduring this constant psychache. i didn’t […]

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another semester has begun and i’m already miserable. i hate all of my classes and my professors so far. i live on campus but i have a hard time making friends in the dorms. it’s my second year and i have no one. i know it’s my fault but i every time i get the chance to make friends my anxiety takes over and i begin to spiral into thinking they hate me. i feel like i can never build a close relationship with anyone anymore.

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I know that I’ve missed being here, which is why I found a way even though I’m on my travel laptop and on local wifi. I’m on an 8 day out of state vacation with some of my friends. Really I’ve just come along, but they’re working hard to make me feel like it is my vacation.

The point is, out here, far away from all the things I’ve learned to hate, I feel lighter. I feel closer to being free. Some part is just that opportunities not to be in the state I live in are rare. So having all these different things feels liberating […]

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“Accept what you cannot change.”

I definitely can’t change the past. So I have to accept that I’ve done so many unacceptable things.

And pretty much no matter what I do from this point on, I won’t be able to change people’s perceptions of me for doing those unacceptable things. I will always be a terrible person, and I have to accept that. I have to accept that I will always be alone, psychologically isolated from other people. That I will always have to hide the truth about myself in order to just keep existing in the world.

I obviously can’t change how old I am, or all […]

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I don’t want to die but I’m tired of myself and this life even though sometimes I feel bad and think about dying.

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There’s no reason to feel good about this but when an outcome is inevitable you have to make the best of it. I’ve amassed an impressive stash of shit. It’s kinda hilarious because I don’t have enough money in the bank to pay for next week’s groceries, but I have probably $200k worth of hoarded shit. Yes I’m a hoarder, but I guess you’d call me a white collar hoarder lmfao. Everything from rare paintings to autographed 1st editions to other “lost” items I won’t name; these are things I horded when the world thought they were worthless, or failed to recognize “holy shit that’s […]

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Im starting to think Ill probably die by suicide anyhow. Im just not happy, man.

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Honestly I don’t think I have much room to talk seeing as everyone is so tired these days, but I really am tired. Worn out. Exhausted.
I wont kill myself though, I can’t. I’m too much of a coward to actually go through with it, but If I were to die I wouldn’t be upset.
Whenever a topic like suicide is brought up, my mother often makes comments or tells me how much of a coward that person is. That it’s not brave. I don’t know if I agree or not. I never have known, I’m too indecisive. Even with small things like […]

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So atm I’m not in a very good position in my life. There’s much going on which I’d just rather not get into.

But what bothers me most about my life is not getting a wife or gf when I had the chance. I could put up with a bad job, housing, relationships, etc…but what I can’t accept is that I let dozens of amazing opportunities with females slip through my fingers when I had the chance.

And even when I was dating girls, I knew at the time, I was dating them for the wrong reasons and that we weren’t really compatible. So i’ve never […]

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Imagine you’re on the ground getting beat up. Your attackers keep hitting & kicking you no matter what, they don’t stop just because you’re down, and they never seem to tire. In this moment, are you gonna call a doctor? Fuck no. You’re going to call the cops or Batman or whatever. But doctors, ambulances and therapists won’t stop the beatings, they can only help AFTER the attackers have left you alone.

Mental health professionals love to assume that you yourself are the “attacker”. How many times have you heard “you have to want to get better” and “you need to change your attitude” and all […]

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Let it go. Go ahead. You don’t deserve what’s happening to you but that doesn’t mean you should stop being nice. You can find joy in spreading it to others, and while some may find it fun to bring you down, it slowly destroys their soul. I don’t have anyone to tell my feelings to. Talk with your consciousness. It’s okay, Trust this struggle is part of the process. And trust that as long as you don’t give up and keep pushing forward, no matter how hopeless things seem… you will make it.

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that […]

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I get attached easily and I hold on to things tightly so please don’t let my mind want things that I can’t handle dont let my mind trick me into wanting things I don’t need or things that are not good for me, please don’t let my heart miss people who don’t miss me. Don’t let my heart long for the ones who left. Don’t let my heart fall in love with someone who doesn’t want to stay.

I know you’re plan is un, known but until you reveal it to me. PLEASE make it easier. Don’t let me hold on to what I need to […]

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I never knew how much you mean to me when we first started talking. Until today I still love you as, much as I did since you came and confronted I felt like I was the happiest. I just want to let you know how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate you. You never failed to make me smile, Things aren’t getting better ever since your behavior changed, I miss you so much. Having random breakdowns with you on my mind wondering if you’re doing fine. I’m sorry, I wasn’t what you wanted, I’m sorry, I wasn’t the best, I’m sorry […]

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I miss you, Aggie

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I feel like there will never be another day as bright as I want, one that I want to wake up to. I’m overthinking everything in my life as I have always done, and it’s getting a bit tiring. I’m not feeling enough, I figured out. I’ve never been good at recognising emotions, now I’m really good at avoiding them. I have a lot of distractions. They don’t help me when everything’s over and I have to sleep.

Anyway, what I figured out is, I have no hobbies outside of drugs and alcohol. There’s nothing else that motivates me or can seem to possibly ever in […]

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This morning, I woke up first thing and got high. I have the day off, but I wish I was at work. Not sure how to spend my time. So since theres nothing else to do, and more honestly because I wanted to do it anyway, I got high. I suspect Im addicted.
In 31 years of life, I dont think Ive accomplished knowing even the first thing about myself. My personality, likes, dislikes, goals, etc. have changed so many times over the years that I feel as if Ive never had a clear picture of myself before. I used to think the solution was […]

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It has been 6 weeks since the last time I self harmed, usually at this stage I would be shaking uncontrollably and digging for a release. But I don’t feel like that, I feel good. The thing that’s different this time is I am no longer in a relationship. It makes me feel so guilty because my ex knew about my self harm and tried to help the best he could but now that he’s gone I’m finally okay. I know why too, he was so jealous and I would isolate myself in attempt to reassure him but it destroyed my friendships and I would […]