it’s hard to figure out how to start or end with this. i’ve lost my will about a hundred times already, yet i still find new lows to hit. i despise my job and can not find any real relief from working because i have second gig that i go to nearly every day, so I’m always getting home late. i’ve never been able to leave home before and am now stuck living at home to help take care of one family member while having to be around two others that i cannot stand. i can’t enjoy any movies, shows, and video games anymore. i […]

I’ve done some bad things recently. It’s my second DUI. I deserve death! I never thought fear could be dangerous but it turns out my fear is my biggest enemy and it’s quite harmful to those in my community. I drink to self medicate my extreme social anxiety. I’ve made myself a promise as an alcoholic…….I WILL NEVER DRIVE A CAR AGAIN. I tried all the tips and tricks to dealing with social anxiety but I’m someone who really needs medication for it. It turns out that Psychiatrists don’t wanna prescribe anything useful because they’re afraid of getting sued. Apparently there’s a lot of “patients” […]

I was doing so badly. And then I was doing fine. Today I’m doing…different. It’s a somewhat bad different. I’m afraid. I’m so so tired. I’m ready to make a mistake and exit. Things that once gave me pleasure aren’t anymore. My eyes are itching. The world feels gray and silly and all the people in my life seem untrustworthy. All the good I could see is gone. I’m driving recklessly and seeing but not seeing beauty. I wish I could open my eyes and return to the comfort that was yesterday. Change is hard. But well, I’ve wanted change for a while. So at […]

Living surrounded by my enemies. It’s possible but it’s pretty hard
How can a human be happy in this world when everything is fucked up? Why aren’t things going alright for everyone? Why isn’t everything perfect? Why the constant struggle?

I still feel like I’m a kid but somehow I’m 27. What. The. Fuck. How did I get here?

I’m pretty much a failure in every aspect of life.

career? hah, someone out of highschool can do my job

money? I’m a dumb fuck and managed to lose most of it when markets only went up the last two years

social life? what’s that. I can barely talk to people without being anxious or stammering like an idiot.

love life? who would want to be with a loser like me.

Can’t even do basic shit expected of a human:

– struggle with putting thoughts into words (spent like 30 minutes making this […]

Been four and a half years since my last post, so hi there, I guess?

Just now I reread this post and felt that things hadn’t aged well, so I’ll be going over every bullet I put in here. Why? I mean, why not? I do not really care if anyone reads it or not, but I thought it would be interesting for myself to do. Ok, but then why bother posting it? Just in case someone would find it entertaining, I guess?

Here is why I hate my life
– My school life sucks (the only decent thing are my grades)
This one didn’t age well […]

Fuck all of this

A while back, I wrote about the meaning of friends…I said they were worthless, unneeded, unnecessary.

When my birthday came around, I had a friend make me a homemade card, we celebrated, I was happy. That’s why friends are important. They take your mind away from the things that trouble you. Friends care about you and they show it with not just words, but actions. While I was in school with summer nearing, I feared we would forget about each other, just like all the others. But I was thrilled to find out that they had planned a sleepover and I was invited. […]

i’m not scared of dying. i’m scared of surviving the attempt.

I don’t see a future for myself anymore. I haven’t for many years now.. I’m just so tired of it all. I don’t know why people have to be so judgemental all of the time, the simplest mistakes and you’re an idiot or will never amount to anything. It’s just so exhausting to deal with but it’s even harder when it comes from family and friends. I’ve tried my whole life to tell them how there words make me feel but they just laugh it off as a joke and write off my feelings. Then one day when they keep pushing too far you blow […]

I haven’t seen my grandma in forever. Recently I got in contact with some more members of my family.
She will be visiting in another town nearby to me soon. I can only afford the bus fare and not much else. She is rich and I don’t want to embarass myself in front of her because I’m so poor. Now she’ll probably think I’m an asshole for not meeting up.

I can’t afford to go out to eat at a restaurant, let alone an expensive one. Nor can I afford to throw money around…
I wonder if I should’ve just fibbed before she is about […]

Not entirely sure if this happened or not but a few years ago I was using alot of pills while drinking because I was depressed I wasn’t on good terms with this woman I loved. I think I went up to her and confessed all my feelings while I was having a blackout and we ended up sleeping together? Then the next day at work she got real upset and told another coworker that “he doesn’t even remember last night!”

Seriously, wtf is wrong with me? I’m completely sober now but I still have to face myself in the mirror.

The last time I posted on here was back in 2018.. Since then so much has changed. I was in a shitty relationship for 2 years that went to shit, I graduated high school which I thought I never would and I made it past 18 years. I went through hell during the last two years of high school would be an understatement but I am past that now and do not want to relive it. I stopped counting how long I am clean of cutting for and would not be able to give you an estimate. I do rely on other coping mechanisms that […]

To my dear

Father: Sorry I wished you were never my father, Im sorry I wished you never existed or wished you couldn’t give a single shit about me. Honestly I don’t even want to say sorry to you. Yes I’m selfish, I guess you never done anything wrong and it wasn’t your fault you were never there. Only thing I hate is that you wish I was more closer to you. How the fuck is it my fault I’m not comfortable around you or your side of the family? Another thing is your kinda sexist. Feel sorry for your daughter and son. I really hate […]

POV
Your life is perfectly fine. Your parents are amazing, so are your family, you have a few but amazing friends, and your living a decent life but you still are sad and never satisfied with life. Then you came to the conclusion and realized, yup I’m the problem. And you are. You always were. You are the burden in every ones life and even in yours. You hurt every one you have met no matter how great they treated you. You were always selfish and useless. You know allll these things yet you never decided to change. So you thought, fuck it, why suffer […]

The only way I want to leave this world is by suicide. Not soon, I still have things I want to do. I have life goals and a plan with my longterm boyfriend. Death takes up so much time in my mind. Any inconvenience is the end of the world or might as well be. I don’t want to die of old age, feeling my body get old and slowly give out, its not the way I want to go. I have spent my whole life surviving, I want to be dead before things get worse with no hope to be better. In a way […]

Apparently all I really needed to clear my sinuses was an eight hour day hanging pipe in a future craft store. Upshot, we got the A/C on today, so the work area is somewhat liveable. The humidity is still awful, but after a few days that should let up.

I feel remarkably dead inside. I came out of my near coma to realize that my current work is repetitive and silly, but I also can’t think of anything better to do. To be clear; I could think of plenty of better things to do, but they all cost money. I can’t think of anything better to […]

*T/W*

*Background: You come from a very religious and cultural family, who are nothing more than narrow-minded people. You’re the oldest child, a first-generation American, and a female. Your parents are emotionally immature and don’t know how to handle their emotions well. Your father has anger issues and isn’t afraid to get violent. Your mother has a problem not knowing when to shut up. You have a passive-aggressive relationship with them. On the outside though, you’re living the perfect life. You are the perfect A+ student, valedictorian of your grade, and winning many awards. You are a part of the popular kids, the crowd following you. […]

i feel like i’m going crazy.
i think i’ve already been the best version of myself. in 2020. i was so soft and loving and happy, i miss her. i made videos, and worked on accepting my body. i studied music theory and my room was always full of sunlight.
i think i underestimate the impact my abusive relationship had on me. the moment i started processing it, it seemed to consume my life, and i’ve been so much angrier and depressed since. i feel so dark now.
i want to hurt myself. i haven’t in a long time, but i don’t think it was […]

It would be nice to die in my sleep tonight. If it was that easy. This world is pure evil but I’m better than that am I not? Hmmm so why the f..k am I here? To become a victim or to become a monster?
Just wondering…
One of the reasons I feel like dying is because I never get along with other people