Realisation: I have a sick mind, the rest of my body works fine but it’s my mind that’s sick. This is a strangely liberating thing to find out. That’s all it is…a sick mind. Like my mind is physically sick but everything else works fine. I’ve beat myself constantly since I remember but not having a healthy mind but accepting it’s sick has helped me. I feel I’ve stopped teaching for answers. This whole time I beat myself up, my goodness, how long have I beat myself up for…This whole time…wow. I know the minds important but the rest of the body is just as […]

I’m so insanely fucking lonely. And desperate. It’s utterly pathetic. I’ve never not been alone, since I was a kid. I’m too far gone at this point…too isolated and weird. Like I froze my social development at an infant level, but then added all this fucked up stuff on top. I don’t think I’m even capable of being with anyone now. I have no idea how to interact with people in a natural or spontaneous way. I can’t ever relax around others. I hate myself when I’m talking to people. I hate the things that come out of my mouth. I hate myself basically. And […]

i can’t remember the last time i was truly happy

what a fun weekend night. ugh.
i dont get it. i cant seem to win.
dont do weed. dont drink. dont cut. dont smoke. oh and the biggest one, dont die.
so is there anything i can do because living doesnt seem to be my specialty.

I am crazy!

Everything around me is driving me crazy. I wish my life is taken right this moment.

There is no one I talk to. There is no friend. My family that lives thousands of miles away finds lame excuses to not communicate with me. The guy that I was dating (at least that’s how I was thinking)  was a manipulative narcissist that abandoned me (multiple times), friend zoned me and called me crazy.

It’s like a pattern. People enter my life, emotionally murder me, walk right out.

Can I just leave all of them and live like I don’t care? Yes. But they keep coming back to […]

im not caring about anything anymore. cause if i start caring about things and try to fix it, its only going to delay my inevitable suicide. so i just have to face the fact that things are not going to get better and im destined to kill myself.

the moment my work lets me go (cause they are already releasing people) im going to end it. i have all of the things i need, i just need to do it 🙂

I hate life. All I do is wait to die, which I hope happens soon…. I at least got a hobby but me being me it’s not fun nor enjoyable, so I scream at myself constantly about failure related to it…. That’s about as much as I can ever enjoy anything. It has led to me getting so many more sharp things though, and I haven’t cut yet, so I guess that’s good…. I wish I didn’t suck though.

why do we struggle everyday.  why do we pretend to be happy when we are not.  why do we do things we don’t like . I am closing in on my 30 birthday and I realize never in my life I have been happy for more than few months at once.I know a lot of my friends who look happy and might be secretly posting here . The pain people hide is seriously admirable and all that just because of the society , we all are going  to die one day so why not that day be Tomorrow. you go to sleep tonight and don’t […]

There really is no point is there? Ten years ago after a suicide attempt they let me go because it was deemed a cry for help. But they don’t give any help? So here I still am, wanting to die. Get sober, give up weed. Return to religion. Try and be a good person. Volunteer. Take care of sick husband. Pray often. Pray for others. Stay sober. Eat healthy. Exercise. What does any of it achieve? Where is Jesus? Where is God? Here I am again, crying my heart out, punching myself, hating myself, wanting to die. Where’s my son, family, friends? My husband hates […]

I ain’t looking for pity, I fucking know I don’t deserve it. Life is fucking good for me right now. I got a roof over my head, I got food to eat, I got friends and family, I’m doing well in classes, and I just got a great fucking job at one of my favorite places in the area, so why the fuck do I feel like this……

Hey, I will change some things just to make sure I don’t reveal my true identity. It’s not that I’m famous or anything; I’m just a boring kid with a boring life.

So, I’ll make it fast. My english isn’t very good anyway. I like using bullet points.

Im 21 and never had a boyfriend
I’m gay
I used to be fat.  I lost weight and know my whole body is full of stretch marks and loose skin
I got acne at the age of 20. Im on accutane (over 9 months) now and it only gets worse
I have a shitty self-confidence
I used to live in a different country, I […]

The person I was talking about was from around here at one point. Worried about giving too many details about the issue here. Appreciate the responses though, really. Sorry

I have too much on my fucking mind and here is me unloading it all. After all, my brother always said, “Humans were not made to just bottle things up.” So here is to your advice, Rud.

First, I heard through a friend that an old friend from my senior year of high school had passed away. It kind of hurt to hear the sad news as he was always a positive person and he was so young. Only as old as me, 21. I remember him reaching out to me about a year ago. I wish I knew then what I knew now, else I […]

Who am I?

currently in the bathroom, holding the razor in my hand trying not to cut, i’m eighty-something days clean and i can’t do it anymore. i’m not who i am anymore, i don’t even know myself anymore. it hurs, it really does, the pain i cause myself is more painful than the pain this razor causes. i’m. a. monster. and i can’t help but think of it every single day, think of how much i’ve changed and how much everyone i know hates it, hates ME, hates who i became. i want the old me back, please. i’ll do anything, but please don’t let […]

I kept waiting and waiting to see if things would get better. They didn’t. Now I have MS and am dependant on my selfish, nasty husband. I had prayed for death but instead I got a chronic, disabling illness. Today I get an invalidity scooter delivered. I’m grateful for the freedom it will offer but then again…I just want to die. Why is life suffering? I try to hold onto faith, suffering is mercy. Suffering purifies the spirit. When everything is taken away that’s God’s ultimate mercy. I feel abandoned and hated. Nobody cares that I’m sick and all I do is irritate my husband […]

It seems to be what everyone wants anyway. Pharmasists refuses to be helpful i asked a simple guestion “is this in stock?” It was a simple over the counter depression aid (i dont remember exactly what it was) and she goes into a million and one questions that dont concern her and it agrivated me to the point i said fuck it and just walked away. Im getting death threats and my therapist seems to lack caring. “Im highly likely to commit suicide if my grandfather dies” “ok” ummm isnt your job to help me cope with shit like that? Thats why i told you […]

I dont need to forgive.. It would be just enough to just be able to forget… Forget everything and start from scratch. I want to forget how lazy I was all my life. I was so lazy I just let all my weed plants die and now I will have nothing to smoke this year. Maybe its a good thing. But Im addicted and  I will buy it anyway. So my laziness will only cost me a lot of money. A ton of money just coz it was too much work to water a fking plant once a day. Id love to forget that.

But mainly […]

Rocketman: Thanks everyone! For showing up on such short notice! Especially Hope dream love our newest member! We have a real problem if you been watching the news you know what I’m talking about! The Suicide bombers! They are crazy! They are insane! And They are killing people!

empty pluto: What? How can we stop them?

Dark willow: But our job is to stop people from killing themselves?

Hope dream love: We have to save the suicide bombers? So they don’t kill themselves and blow up people? THERE HAS GOT TO BE ANOTHER WAY!

Rocketman: I know it goes against the grain to say […]

I envy people who are dying with cancer. I wish i could just go to bed and wake up the next day with cancer. Then I don’t have to cope up with this bullsh*t of a life anymore.

I was strong, i was brilliant. Now i am a failure. I have a degree, i am certified to do my job, i had a high-paying job but I was unsatisfied with the salary. Greed. I quit that job and i started my own business and failed. It hasn’t been going really well now. With the cash I have invested in the business i can last at most […]