At my limit

I am lost. I can’t remember who I am anymore. No one to talk to or share my pain. My past eight years of living has been a living hell. It all starts with the destruction of my self-esteem. I use to be happy all the time but not anymore. When I reach the age of puberty. I started to have acne on my face. It didn’t seem like such a big deal and some of my friends had it too. I only had a few on my forhead. But everyone picked on me at school even my friends and best friends. The result, I ended up trying everything I could find at local stores to cure my acne. Every time I try, every time it gets worse and worse. That in terms made school an even bigger hell. I was so depressed that I lock myself up in my room everyday. Ever since then I get depress every other day and sometimes constantly. What hurts the most is the fact that my father stood and watch me fall. My parents were divorce when I was younger and my mother left. I didn’t have a choice in who I wanted to go with so I had to stay with my dad. I felt like my mother was my only hope in life. My father gave nothing to me. Not even money for school. The only thing he cares about is his foreign girlfriend. He works at minimum wage and yet the sends most of the money to his girlfriend. There is five of us kids in the house with him. He did not care about how I feel at all. I was depressed and suicide, all he ever did was broke down my door threaten to hit me. He never helped and I knew he never well. I was a handsome guy and had many admirer. But to me, I am ugly and fat. I took a knife and cut off the skin that had acne issues. In the end, my cutting made my face look like a true freak. I came out of the bathroom laughing like an insane man. My dad threatens to hit me. Why? Does he not care that I am hurting. (Crying as I write) After that, I skip school regularly. I was in High School at this time. I felt so suicidal that I planned out a day that I could kill myself. I chose to do it by starvation. The day before that, I ate nothing. I wake up early around five. Got on my coat and started to walk, didn’t care where I was going. I walked so far that I collapsed. I was in the snow frozen and weak. I could feel myself reaching the doors of death. Suddenly, human instinct kicks in and I had a doubt in death. I gather my strength and walked home solely on sheer will power. My older brother, aware of my struggle calls my mom. She travels from Wisconsin to pick me up to go live with her. I refuse but ended up going anyways. She promised to heal my wounds and get me on track. I lost everything at this point. To me, she was not another liar in my life. Things got better for a short time but I am still depressed. To add to my struggle, my scars that I gave myself have become tumors. They grow everyday and I am beginning to look non human. I cant even see my neck line anymore because the tumor is so big. To make it worse, my mother ditches me and left with his boyfriend to go live elsewhere. She left me with her relatives and I am currently living with my aunt. They are nice to me but the fact that I am a freak and the lack of love and support from my family makes me want to kill myself. I regret not killing myself then. I cant even go to school anymore because the tumor is so big. I have to hide behing a hoody everytime I go outside. These past few days, the tumor has been so big that I can’t even let people inside the house see my face. I am hurting phisically, mentally, and emotionally. As the scars grow, it itches and hurt. My brain is about to burst from thinking. I lie to myself everyday that things will be o.k. but I know it will not. I went to see a doctor and he told me that my scars were special and that they can not be remove. I became even more depressed. I am so tired and lonely, that I knew I had to talk to someone. I chose to talk to one of my cousin who I thought was faithful. However, she was nothing but a spy sent from my mother and relatives. They tapped into my every thoughts and tries to do something about it. I was at the verge of killing myself then and now. I wanted to kill her so bad. I hated her ever since, she even has the nerves to ask me why I hate her. *****, I hate you so bad! My face is fucked up, my family is broken apart, and my education has gone down the drain. I use to be able to say, ” At least I got my health.” What do I say now? I have nothing and want nothing. My mom, knowing she did wrong is trying everything in her power to make me feel better. Everytime she tries it hurts me even more. I hate her and my father so much. If I was never born then I wouldn’t care. She even went as far as buying a car. A car? You think that buying me a car can just make everything you did go away. Because of you I am scarred for life. Because of you I missed out on my childhood. Because of you I’ve been lied to that everything will be alright when damn well it wouldn’t. I hate her and dad so much that when I see them, I can’t even look them in the eyes anymore. I wish they were dead. I don’t think I can shed any tears. They never gave me love, I won’t show love either. I am at the verge of killing myself at this moment. Death is an escape for people like me and others on this forum. I fall under the category freak and so I don’t deserve to live. I hate myself so much, I just wish I could dissappear from the face of earth and not have to deal with myself and everything anymore.
The more I write on this blog, the more I am crying. Why? Why is it that I am the only one suffering in my household. Everyone’s got there happiness. What about me? Don’t I deserve happiness? Why is it that I am given everything but not the only thing that matters to me. My face, my health that I have lost. I am given money constantly, cellphone, car, everything materialistic. But, the true thing I want I cannot have. If I continue to live on, nothing awaits except hurt and hatred. If I died, my face wouldn’t matter so much anymore and it will also hurt my parents really bad. It is a win win situation for me so why do I struggle to commit suicide? Tonight will be the deciding factor for my life.