getting closer to suicide

I’ve read a couple of posts and I think its great that people have a chance to express themselves and get others to help. I’ve tried to fill myself 4 or 5 times now and I havent been able to do it. I know that most people have issues and that they find it difficult to talk to someone or maybe feel that there is no way out.

I never believed in suicide and I always thought that anyone that tired to kill themselves was selfish and that they didn’t think of the people around them that could help. At the very worst I thought you could get help medically through counselling etc.

My problem is that…when does it become acceptable for someone against suicide, someone that doesn’t physically hurt themselves and doesn’t have a history of mental illness, apart from an outside view, have a reason to commit suicide?????

I really thought never. There is always someone to talk to, but what if you had no one to talk to as your story and situation is not understandable by anyone. Here’s mine:

What if you had an operation and found out that you were accidentally lobotomised?? You no longer had the same thoughts or feelings and the people that thought they knew who you were now can look at me and to them nothings changed. Ironic?

6 years ago I had a car accident that in a lot of peoples eyes changed me…the truth was that I started to get really nervous and I couldnt figure out why, it had nothing to do with the car accident but because I started to twitch uncontrollably after being back at school for a while. It was my a level year and I just wanted to finish so I could start feeling and being myself around new people. It’s not that I didnt have friends but I never really opened up to being socially happy all the time. Girl issues etc. But when I came back from the accident and started getting nervous I couldnt relax after I left school and so over time the person I was stopped talking to anyone. I lost my place to relax and just listen to my music or be alone….the twitch I had would always stop me from relaxing and eventually going out the house at all. The funny thing is I got a girlfriend after school and was happy for a while but it still didnt resolve that I was getting really scared of people. In the end we broke up after I spent a year in a flat we got together thinking that it would give me a chance to relax and gain back some confidence. It didnt work and it ate away at our relationship that never got started. Until a few months ago I didnt go out at all, I work(ed) from so I didnt have to go out and I saw the possiblities of it working and I truely believed it would. I went to the post office and that was it. Went to see my brother a couple of times in Manchester thinking again that a new town and different people might mean I wouldnt have a problem but, still no change….I have got pretty paranoid and so always felt walking out my own front door that I would have to talk to poeple that might know me or know of me and this meant I started to think that new places and new people might give me the psychological affect I needed to feel more confident. 

I never felt that my mind had any problems…just that I was aware of people and paranoid to my own twitching which esculated the problem created by the twitch in the first place.

Then last year things happened and I got ill with a virus that effects and affects the body and brain and soul. It is called Anti NMDA receptor Encephalitis. Some people get very ill very quickly and find that they go on life support machines. When this happens they might find that have pschological problems as well which can result in need for serious care. I had the illness I think, all year. They put me through various treatments and everything worked but after the treatments the pschological problems occured. I have now found out that I was accidently lobotomised whilst they tried to stop the progression of the illness. Only a few men in the world have ever had the illness and my case has been extreme.

Now I am as everyone always saw me. It’s not getting any better and I have no one to talk to as I have memories and distant feelings of how I was but never being able to get back to me……..no more twitch though.

I have tried taking a whole bottle of sleeping pills along with alcohol and paracetamol but nothing worked. I then tried more pills and recently looked and tried cutting myself for the first time. I don’t want to do it but I can’t think of anything else to do. I got to a point where I jabbed some small scissors into myself tonight but I don’t really know what to do now.

I expect I’ll try taking pills again and I already expect what to hear people say to me on this site….its not easy.

Thanks for listening.