hey all suicidal angels.. im calista.. well, im suicidal..it’s been awhile..ive tried it so many times but here I am, typing this up. How I wish im dead by now..i just dont wanna live but in some point,i feel i dont wanna commit suicide and pray to God that someone might stab me up or something..It can be anything,i just dont wanna live.
Since I was 5, my life really intense. Parents always want the best out of me, so I gave them all. I do so many things in life, Im always the best student in school and in college, i cook, i bake, i dance, i play piano, speak 6 languages,i like tennis, im in good health cause i do gym,i am a model and a DJ..etc. people always say that i have it all in life..but they dont even know what i feel inside.. mom always tell me,”live your life everyday as if there’s no tomorrow”, and thats what make me as i am today..am dying..
when u are me, its really hard,cause i have to be perfect all the time..parents push me to the limits, where i cant stand anymore…they are cool parents,supportive,but all they want is perfection,which i dont understand what else they want more..ive tried to talk to them thousand of times,all vain.. they wont ask much bout how am i doin, all they gonna ask is bout how your things doin..sigh..
ive lost many people that i love in life,but there are 3 person that i cant forget until now, i lost 2 of my bestfriends on a car accident..and yes, i feel really guilty for that..im living in a world full of guilty. It was my fault. I knew that they were sick that night but still i asked them to come and see me..because i was alone home,and im scared. they should be at my place in just like 30 mins,but after few hours they didnt turn up. i cried so much bout it.. and until now,i cant accept that they are gone. Another one that i cant forget is my ex-bf. He’s dead now,was on the way back home to see me. It was his birthday,and i was waiting for him at his place with his parents and friends,surprise party for him..few hours passed by,then a knocked on the door really changed my world, it was police officers, asked me to go to hosp to see him,as i got there, i could see his eyes closed slowly..and that was it. I couldnt live after that, i mean i become so much anorexic after his death, try to balance my life with his loss and daily life is really difficult..i really really missed him..time passes by, it was 4 years ago..when I was 16..
i tried to commit suicide after that, so many times in so many ways,but all i ended up in hosp..was in coma twice but i survive..until i finished high-school a year later. then i moved in college,where i am in right now..I found a new guy,his name is AL..we’ve been together for almost 2 years, all i can say,i do anything for him cause i’m so much in love with him..i treated him as if hes my husband, i cooked for him, i take good care of him as if im his mom, well, he has no parents,they both dead..but this guy, he kinda always put his friends first. all of them and making me the second choice in his life..he told me he cant be with me cause im too perfect for him..so i left him,and tried to suicide. i did,but still alive. then 2 months later, i called him up and i was really missing him..every seconds i talked to him on the phone,i cried. so we decided to meet at college the next day,it was a chill day accept that i tried to commit suicide front him,so he decided to be with me again..and after a month now together, he starting to be the jerk again..he shouted at me telling me that he cant be with me and stuff, i cried so much and pleaded to him that i cant live without him and i would do anything to be with him and he said he wont care anymore if i try to commit suicide..and because of that, i really feel down right now,,like i really wanna suicide on that moment he casted those words on me..but i never gave up that night, i went to his place the next morning..and we slept together again..asked him to come back to me and all he said he cant save me anymore..he just cant be with me cause he wanted to be single..and now here i am,typing this up, i cut my hands today..few cuts. and the next day tomorrow i wanna do it..i wanna suicide..and yeah,this is the last day im on Earth..take care all suicidal angel..
8 comments
i completly understand how u feel. ive been married for almost 12years and he left me again after 3 wks of my suicide attempt. there isnt a day that goes by that i wish i was dead! try to hand in there. it is supposed to get easier with time. wish i could feel the same damn way. but i feel completely the same way u do.
that guy is a complete loser, u shouldnt have put so much of ur energy onto him…ur such a talented person, im even jelous, and u dont have to be perfect just be yourself. I’m not telling u not to commit suicide but y dont u travell the world b4 u do it just 2 see wats out there so you wont miss anything, and then I guess if you still want 2 u can kill urself…bt y not wait a few more months, try b a bit stronger there are ppl who care… I do, i know it doesnt count for much but u are writting here so u must want sum1 to read and care, and I care.
Girl,
Up to my twenty’s I also was the “perfect guy”, and got fed up of perfection, fed up of always being pushed for more, but never compensated for it. Working out to have more workout to do, that’s enslavement. I know pretty well of what you talk about.
Many girls want me, but they are losers. And many guys want you, but they are losers.
Even the loser in the end doesn’t want you, because he knows he can’t keep up with you. That’s reality. I lost my loser a little more than a year ago.
I tried to stay alone, and alone I found a new world that was closed to me since my childhood. A world of concentration, spirituality, of great things that losers don’t even imagine, can exist.
You were a winner once, why not twice?
Why not to yourself? Why not to your personal greatness?
I’m also on the brink of life, but that is what takes to become great. People that don’t suffer, never progress, never understand. People that don’t suffer, are the common losers we find on the next corner.
Look for something greater than you, not money, nor power, but wisdom. What these lessons are teaching you? Are such persons, worth your person?
Have a nice day,
James
I’m sorry, you have problems, obviously, but anyone can tell from your writeup that you are not telling the truth. You say you were the best student in school and college, yet by your writing, I can tell that its not the truth.
So firstly, stop lying to yourself, come clean with the real problems in your life and work on them. Life is tough, it always has been and always will be. You can be strong enough to conquer it.
I can relate to a lot of what you are saying so I thought I’d offer my thoughts on your story.
It can be hard to not blame yourself for the bad things that happen to the people we care about. I had a friend who died in Iraq and I feel that his parents hold a grudge against themselves for what he did even though he was doing something he believed in and wanted to. When I signed up to join the armed forces his mom begged and pleaded with me no to go in even though before the death of her son she would have supported me whole heartedly. No one can predict these bad things that happen. You could have just as easily saved their lives by having them avoid something that would have happened to them unfortunately it didn’t work out this way, and I am very sorry for your loss. Life is too unpredictable to hold yourself accountable for such things. I’m sure your friends wouldn’t hold it against you.
I can relate to the perfection part. I have my parents and grandparents so far up my ass I can taste them, which is particularly gross for the grandparents part, and they push me further than I can take. I’ve always done the right thing, never drank did drugs, did a ton of volunteer work, helped coach youth soccer, played several sports in high school, got great grades, got high SAT scores and got accepted into one of the best private universities in the country and I still felt like all I was doing was barely keeping myself afloat in their eyes. That pressure, that impending sense of doom they inflict on me is always there. I never had any room to be me. There are a lot of things I wanted to do and try out before I went into college and never got the chance and now I doubt I ever will. Joining the military was one. Not only this but they guilt me to no end. Now I find myself lost and don’t know who I am and cannot figure out what I want in this world. I’ve tried drugs and other non productive ways to deal with this. I’ve tried to kill myself on multiple occasions, the first of which was when I was eight. I pretty certain I am bipolar, schitzophrenic and have an anxiety problem but every time I try and discuss this with any of them it falls on deaf ears. They think I’m fine because when I’m depressed I bottle it up inside since I’m too ashamed to show them any weakness so they assume I’m doing good. I’m doing anything but good right now. I always feel like something is coming to get me, something worse than death is looming and is stalking me this instant watching me even now. I tell them this and they think I’m making it up? Who makes up crazy shit like this, who would want to admit to being obsessively paranoid and scared shitless of something that they know doesn’t exist? I am petrified of dark places and even sometimes will run to turn on the bathroom lights… just in case. It’s ridiculous, especially because I realize how dumb the concept of a boogy man in my bathroom is. I don’t know if I waited too long to tell them but they tell me it will get better I just have to keep going.
I can also relate to your experiences in dating. My first serious girlfriend had a lot of insecurity issues around me. She was so wonderful, outgoing and everything but she would become so controlling and keep tabs on me to make sure I was being faithful. After years of being faithful, though we did have a few breaks, it didn’t let up. Eventually I had to end it. My next girlfriend constantly told me she couldn’t understand why I was dating her. That I was too beautiful for her(I’m definitely not a beautiful man though I wish I was), too smart etc. I don’t know if she was trying to build me up but it always hurt me too hear these things. When you really love someone it hurts to hear them degrade themselves like that. It’s like I don’t have control over who I date and that it is governed by some rule set that I don’t know about that delegates I have to date someone with specified beauty, humor, intelligence etc. Quite frankly I don’t give a shit if I can talk about modern physic’s concepts with my girlfriend. She was so pretty, sweeter than pie, had a degree in psychology, I would have the best times with her and laugh nonstop, and I never felt like anyone understood me like her. And it was ruined because she would turn into an emotional wreck because of her being insecure. We recently broke up and it still hurts a lot because I thought this person was so special that she could save me from myself. I guess the only one who can do that is me and I honestly don’t think I stand too good of chance, especially seeing as I’m on the suicideproject. It’s funny how people who want to kill themselves will try to talk others out of it. I think we care more about others and their plight than we do our own. Maybe it’s an exaggerated sense of empathy that stems from how we feel about ourselves. For me I would like to help someone before I go and you seem like someone I can relate too and who has suffered a lot and maybe if you distance yourself from your parents and find some people that understand you, maybe a psychiatrist that you could get through this. Good luck to you in whatever direction the current of life sweeps you in as these are indeed difficult seas and the choice to stay afloat is not always ours, though sometimes it is.
“I’m sorry, you have problems, obviously, but anyone can tell from your writeup that you are not telling the truth. You say you were the best student in school and college, yet by your writing, I can tell that its not the truth..”
I think she was from a different country hence the slight grammar errors but I don’t believe that’s a good way to encourage someone who’s going through a hard time..We’re all going through struggles right?
Anyway, to the author, I hope you’re doing better now. I know that a lot of times, it’s hard to be doing what you’re expected to do but if you learn to really enjoy the things, it might help you.
I’m in a similar situation and I wanted to tell you that no matter how much I’m being pushed, I relieve my stress other ways. many times, I do have thoughts about suicide but in the end I return to just banging on my drums or strumming my guitar.
I hope you can find the same comfort in maybe dancing or baking or playing the piano.
If everything’s really tough for you to handle, don’t be scared to tell your parents. At firs,t I was scared too but when I told them that I was overwhelmed and that I wanted them to think of me first before what they want me to be. It got through to them after a couple times and now, I do what I enjoy.
I hope this helped.
If you need to talk email me.
Let’s keep pushing for a brighter day.
i sorta under stand about your rents wanting you to be prefection. every sincr my dad died its ben like i could bild my mom a manchen of gold and she wold say “this is it?” im trying but its bad wan my mom want even see waht shes doing to me. its like thay want to think wer perfacct. my mom flips if i get a c tir hell.
I’ve lost my mom 2 uncles my best friend my grandpop in the same year. i was so numb i couldnt even get depressed. i couldnt remember feeling anything, its like a dream or somthing. i went on with my life like nothing happened. then i met a girl who made me feel happy again, she really made me belive she loved me. it was so hard losing her, she was all i had. when she died i didnt go numb, i felt everything at once. i took 20 sleeping pills and locked my bedroom door. i woke up 2 days later. i cant believe im alive. im even worse now because no1 even noticed i was gone for 2 days. i know what its like to have no one left…. i thought this would help me get over it. i think its just making it worse. im sorry for everyone on this site. i cant help