hey all suicidal angels.. im calista.. well, im suicidal..it’s been awhile..ive tried it so many times but here I am, typing this up. How I wish im dead by now..i just dont wanna live but in some point,i feel i dont wanna commit suicide and pray to God that someone might stab me up or something..It can be anything,i just dont wanna live.
Since I was 5, my life really intense. Parents always want the best out of me, so I gave them all. I do so many things in life, Im always the best student in school and in college, i cook, i bake, i dance, i play piano, speak 6 languages,i like tennis, im in good health cause i do gym,i am a model and a DJ..etc. people always say that i have it all in life..but they dont even know what i feel inside.. mom always tell me,”live your life everyday as if there’s no tomorrow”, and thats what make me as i am today..am dying..
when u are me, its really hard,cause i have to be perfect all the time..parents push me to the limits, where i cant stand anymore…they are cool parents,supportive,but all they want is perfection,which i dont understand what else they want more..ive tried to talk to them thousand of times,all vain.. they wont ask much bout how am i doin, all they gonna ask is bout how your things doin..sigh..
ive lost many people that i love in life,but there are 3 person that i cant forget until now, i lost 2 of my bestfriends on a car accident..and yes, i feel really guilty for that..im living in a world full of guilty. It was my fault. I knew that they were sick that night but still i asked them to come and see me..because i was alone home,and im scared. they should be at my place in just like 30 mins,but after few hours they didnt turn up. i cried so much bout it.. and until now,i cant accept that they are gone. Another one that i cant forget is my ex-bf. He’s dead now,was on the way back home to see me. It was his birthday,and i was waiting for him at his place with his parents and friends,surprise party for him..few hours passed by,then a knocked on the door really changed my world, it was police officers, asked me to go to hosp to see him,as i got there, i could see his eyes closed slowly..and that was it. I couldnt live after that, i mean i become so much anorexic after his death, try to balance my life with his loss and daily life is really difficult..i really really missed him..time passes by, it was 4 years ago..when I was 16..
i tried to commit suicide after that, so many times in so many ways,but all i ended up in hosp..was in coma twice but i survive..until i finished high-school a year later. then i moved in college,where i am in right now..I found a new guy,his name is AL..we’ve been together for almost 2 years, all i can say,i do anything for him cause i’m so much in love with him..i treated him as if hes my husband, i cooked for him, i take good care of him as if im his mom, well, he has no parents,they both dead..but this guy, he kinda always put his friends first. all of them and making me the second choice in his life..he told me he cant be with me cause im too perfect for him..so i left him,and tried to suicide. i did,but still alive. then 2 months later, i called him up and i was really missing him..every seconds i talked to him on the phone,i cried. so we decided to meet at college the next day,it was a chill day accept that i tried to commit suicide front him,so he decided to be with me again..and after a month now together, he starting to be the jerk again..he shouted at me telling me that he cant be with me and stuff, i cried so much and pleaded to him that i cant live without him and i would do anything to be with him and he said he wont care anymore if i try to commit suicide..and because of that, i really feel down right now,,like i really wanna suicide on that moment he casted those words on me..but i never gave up that night, i went to his place the next morning..and we slept together again..asked him to come back to me and all he said he cant save me anymore..he just cant be with me cause he wanted to be single..and now here i am,typing this up, i cut my hands today..few cuts. and the next day tomorrow i wanna do it..i wanna suicide..and yeah,this is the last day im on Earth..take care all suicidal angel..