It’s Hard to Believe That it Came to This…

Oh god. I hate myself. I hate myself and everyone and everything around me. Where do I start?

My issues started when my mum and identical twin died in my old American habitat. I was 5. Then my dad made us move to England, where I started school. I never fitted in. I was always an outcast. They bully me mercilessly, still to this day. Then in 2008, I met my future boyfriend. His name was Stefan and he was Italian. We were together for 4 months, when I said I loved him. Do you know how painful it is to tell someone you love them and not have them say it back? I was already suicidal, but the hope that one day, he might say it back. Then 20 days later, he said it. I could have thrown a party. We got in his car with his mum driving and went downtown to celebrate. Then it happened. His car was hit by another, and he was killed. I was comotose for a few days, but then it all came back. It took me a while to realise what had happened. It was another few weeks before it all sank in. Sometimes my dad would tell me something happy, and I’d forget and ring him up, and then remember he was gone. It is now a year later, and I hate myself, because now I feel bad for having a secret crush on his brother. I feel really guilty. I just want it to go away. It’s hard to believe that it came to this, but this is the only way it will all go away. My schoolmates still bully me, as if I haven’t been through enough. But I suppose it’s my fault. Everything. When the death of the only person you will ever love is keeping you awake at night, you can only come up with so many ways you could’ve stopped it. I loved him. He treated me like glass, beautiful and fragile. And a little transparent. He always knew when I was unhappy. Oh god.