My attempted suicide

  April 26th, 2009 by This too shall pass

In 1998, I decided I no longer wished to live…all because of some man who I loved who did not love me back. I think a part of me wanted to live and just wanted to cry out for help. The reason I say this is because I was on the phone talking with a crisis councelor telling him I was about to kill myself. He asked me where I live and I refused to tell him. I didn’t know he could trace the whereabouts of my call but, I am glad he did. I took this bottle of Klonopin…1 mg a tablet and swallowed all 45 pills. Klonopin is a benzodiazepene used to treat seizures and anxiety attacks. In large does, you can fall into a coma, have seizures, and of course, die. It was snowing really bad that night but the ambulance arrived at my house, my mother completely unaware of what I was doing upstairs in the bathroom with the door locked.  She let the cop and emt’s in yelling what is going on——? The cop came upstairs and asked me to open the door or that he would kick it in. I opened it and went downstairs and told my mother I didn’t want to live anymore since so and so doesn’t love me. I told the cop I was surprised they found me and that they traveled in horrible weather. At the hospital, my stomach was pumped, tubes where shoved up my nose and down my throat, it was awful. I saw my grinder I ate for dinner coming up through the tube. Then I must have blacked out. The following morning, I awoke in ICU and had no idea where I was. I had to drink 3 glasses of black charcoal, and not vomit it back up…it is used to absorb any left over medication still in my body. I shit black for a week after that. It was not the first time I had to drink the shit, as I had overdosed before, but never this many pills. Well, I was hospitalized for THREE months…and let me tell ya, the doctors refused to give me anymore Klonopin…I had awful withdrawls and anxiety…but, I can honestly say, I have not overdosed nor attempted suicide ever since that incident. No man or event to happen in my life will ever be worth taking my life over. I hurt so many people with my selfish actions. God gives us life and only he should be the one to take it away. Please know this too shall pass, the awful feelings you have. Tomorrow is another day and next week when things are better, you will be greatful you didn’t kill yourself.

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