No matter what you do

i have written this message over 30 times, deleted it and rewritten it all over again…

Perhaps this is a motherfucking therapy on its own…

Life is short, we only live once, but this life sucks. Are we gonna do something about it or let us get fucked by any ***** around?

You know what, I was so determined to kill myself… but before that i wanted to give it a go.

YES, make the most amazing robbery of the century, or simply go to South America or to one of these African villages and live with the locals there, forgotten by the fucking civilization. It is possible, some people did it. So did I.

You can die in so many fucking ways, no need to kill yourself. First spend the last pennies of your bank account to go to your dream country, whatever this ***** might be. If you don’t have any money, get a loan, or steal the bloody money for the one-way trip. On the spot, try your fucking best: go to local headhunters, find people from chatrooms, try to get any job on the spot, even if it is disgraceful vs your previous job: feel the absolute shame (if any) in cleaning fucking toilets or working in the construction fields. Or disappear in the jungle, with a guide, taking to you a lost village to join…

You will be nothing, yet you will be somehow superior to your fellow workers. You have seen things, felt things that they haven’t, and probably never will. You have seen hell on earth and drunk coffee with the mother-fucking devil in person, while some of these people didn’t even know there was something beyond, seeing solely their current local problems.

That’s not good enough for you, little slut? Ok, follow me to the fucking amazonian jungle then. Try to survive amongst wild savage animals, insects, lack of food… You want to die? Go for it, try to your best shot in the jungle, not like a fucking coward in your appartment, you might just as well die fighting, or not at all.

If you think about it, one of the main reasons of your collapse, just like me, is perhaps a professional reason, or worse, a sentimental/ emotional one. Oh yes, my beloved one does not love me, or has betrayed me… OK, come and tell me this in the motherfucking jungle, where i am struggling every fucking day to find food to survive… A woman you said? OK, follow me in the nearest village, you will be welcomed as a living GOD in there. So what? I am sure that you will find better chicks that you have ever dreamed of, and the special alcohol we are locally drinking helps you in that direction… Oh i can sense your fucking incredulity: she is not like HER, she was unique, we were meant to be together… Come on, do you fucking believe yourself  ? I was like you, till I met Abiola, a simple native girl. She is not like these fucking pseudo-spiritual gilrs of our so-called evolved society, she is so simple you wouldn’t believe it. Her main concern is not whom to fuck with (besides you) or what is the best jewel to wear, but rather do simple things to survive, because life is ok and worth living. WHAT DID I FUCKING SAY? Well, that’s what SHE says anyway, so I believe it too now. she doesn’t care how I look like, who I am, how much of a failure i was in my office, to her I am her friend, her aid, a lost bastard in the jungle, perhaps a lover if time allows…?

You see, killing myself was not good enough, I had to try more before that. You would be surprised with yourselves, if you try something extreme before the final step.

i was sooooooo upset, yet now somehow nothing really matters…  People who knew me think of me as dead, it is like a dream, from a past life, i am now amongst friends, and nothing of the past shit really matters, i have come to undertand new priorities, more natural, more impulsive, back to our roots.

When i am going to the nearest village though, i don’t feel like a victim or a fool. So many people depend on me, including Abiola. i will fight for my brother’s rights, get better prices, cheaper products. so i am useful after all, in my own little fucking way. To some, i am even a raw model to imitate, go figure!!

pls forgive if i do not write often. I am sending emails from time to time, from country to country. my personal email is senseisan@hotmail.com, feel free to write to me. Just be patient though, i do not have access to a pc often, pls forgive me.

Don’t kill yourself sister or brother, before you give yourself a chance to survive in a hostile environment. Your natural instincts will prevail, as well as the will to survive, overcoming any fucking issues you might have in your brain right now.

D2