no more chances

I have been reading some of the stories which describe such deep pain that I wish I didn’t feel.  I am tired of feeling.  I am tired of being an outcast and a victim.  My mother and my father sexually abused me as a child.  However, they always appeared as the “good” churchgoing couple for the last 30 years plus. How do some people live a life of hypocrisy and crime, get away with it and even prosper?  I didn’t remember the abuse until years later.  Although, through the years there were hints, signs and flashes until it finally came together and I chose to deal with the past abuse and accept it.  However,  when does being a victim and outcast end?

 I was always considered attractive, even beautiful by some, until the last 2 years when injury and then age has left some unsightly scars. I was married for 7 years to a less than supportive husband.  I left him because I believed I deserved better and I wanted to make myself better a person.  I went back to school and then met someone worse but, I didn’t see him coming.  I was always so trusting.  He is a monster and finally out if my life.  I want to cry just thinking about it.  I was still young and so naive. I could only see the “good” in him as well as others and I never thought I was good enough.  Now I know I am good enough but, now people look at me and then they look away. 

I am so lonely.  I tried so hard to understand.  At work I run the #1 office consistently for six years and yet my boss, as well as others, at every opportunity undermine me and treat me unfairly.  I promise you it is not my imagination.  My boss even said to me it may “appear” that you are being treated unfairly.  Why would a company treat their #! sales person with such disrespect?  What is it about me that people hate and that I need to change?  I have tried to change and fight back but it does not do any good. 

When I smile at people they look the other way or they smile and then stab me in the back.   I wish I could find a place where I fit in.  I just want some friends and someone to love.  I am tired of hoping that things will be better.  It never does, it only get worse. I wish I could say. “Thank you for getting me through that, thank you for some peace, I feel good”.  Now, when I get through a crisis I simply ask, “What’s next?’

The saying is that “Life Happens, good and bad”.  I believe that to be true.  There are accidents, heart attacks and cancer, these things happen but, I also believe that people do intentional things that make life happen worse.