I might kill myself.. who knows..

  June 26th, 2009 by theonlypie

Hello. I am depressed. I need to go to a place where no one can judge me and yet I can tell anything too. In short, I messed up, I messed up my whole life and future. I was dating a boy for a year and a half and he didn’t receive enough attention from me. I was being beaten a lot from my father and I did not want to tell him because I was ashamed of it and I did not want him to get hurt as well. I wish I told him so we might still be together. After he broke up with me, he use the line “I think we should be friends’ I took that seriously thinking we could actually be something. 2 weeks later, he finds another girl, who’s smarter, prettier, and gave him what he deserved. I felt so sick to my stomach and yet I still tried to contact him. I was foolish, and was alone so I too rebounded after 3 months. I ended up falling for him but in November, my ex contacted me again and I was mixed up and confused and thought he wanted friendship. I was too stupid to know he wanted more, he kept saying he missed e and stuff and one day, we went to a mall and he just held me saying he still loved me. I was so confused. I became confused with my new relationship, my current boyfriend, the new relationship, treats me so well, he is so kind and wonderful and I betrayed his trust. I slept with my ex, told him I loved him while i was with my new relationship, and vise versa.. I’m a sick and twisted person for doing so.. I also did the same thing with both.. I massaged both, cuddled both, saw movies with both, did the same plans, I was going out with both of them and neither had a clue.. All my life I never wanted to cheat.. but here I am breaking my moral back bone. and yet everyone tells me to forget about him. to not talk to him anymore. i hid this from friends, family and form both of them for 4 months, thinking for whatever stupid reason everything would be ok. Everything would be just fine… everything came undone and slapped me in the face. both were devastaed.. my ex especially. and now here i am.. clinging to anything i can get because im pathetic. I only recently started telling my mom everything, and now my current relationship knows the whole truth about us. My ex is frustrated with me and im pretty sure he left me.. why do i feel so upset with myself.. i choose my current relationship as the one i want to be with why cant i forget about him.. why.. i want to forget so badly.. and yet i cant.. i find myslef looking at him, checking my phone all the time.. thinking of him.. but when i think of him i don’t know what i feel.. and yet my current relationship has forgiven me for everything that I have done. Why? is he too nice? does he see I can recover? i cant write anymore.. im starting to hate myself even more.. I’m just pathetic. No one will read the writings of a whore anyways, its hopeless for me

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