Ok, here I am after countless attempts to end my life all of which failed because I chickened out at the last moment or because of well…. fate. Yes, after all that’s happened I still believe in fate. If I ever succeeded in killing myself, this would be my note:
Hey Mom and Dad.
By the time you read this I will probably be gone. I couldnt leave without saying goodbye could I? I wont make it long, Mom; I know how busy you are and how little time you have. Let me start off by apologising for being the biggest disappointment in your life: it’s not that I didnt try, but probably according to you, I didnt try hard enough. I’m sorry for fucking up every minute of your life. Im sorry for being the one mistake that ruined your life.
You know when I was kid, I’d ask you to spend some time with me and you’d yell at me saying you didnt have the time? Well, guess what Mom I dont have the time anymore. Why you even knew I’d tried commiting suicide, hell I was the one who told you. Did you give a shit? I dont think so. Where were you when I needed you? Sure you gave me a roof to live under, but where were you when I cried and my heart broke over and over again? Why did you never tell me Dad left us because you fought with his mom? Do you have any idea how that felt, to be rejected by your own Father? Wondering where your Dad was when everyone else went to the beaches on Sunday?
Dad, you never explained yourself to me. I’m too young is it? It isnt my business is it? It isnt my business that my mum and dad fought over me and separated because of me? Do you have any idea how many days/ months it took for me to trust you? And for what? For you to tell me I’m spoilt and I’m no good?
And you mom. Did you ever wonder why I never opened up to you? Anything I said you’d use against me when you were mad at me… Why did you bother bringing up a slut mom? No sorry, a prostitute? What really hurt was hearing you call me all that when in reality I’d never been on a single date. Never been intimate with any guy.
You know what I really dont understand is how you have a right to be disappointed in me, when you were never there for me. But you know what, why dont you just go and talk to dad about your fucking sister and your fucked up office? That’s all that ever mattered to you. I’m just a fuckin retard who should have never been. A retard who messed up your life. A retarded prostitute who just doesnt give a fuck about you any more.
Love,
your abominable mistake.
P.S: Did I mention I dont give a FUCK about you?Â
To my friends:
I’m sorry for doing this to you. Be good, guys.
5 comments
Y would ur parents treat u like that it’s horrible. I feel so srry for u just know ur not a mistake 2 me ur an amazing person who has just been hurt. I’m here 2 help u and always will b hold on plz
Try to find courage to live, dear. Sometimes I think we can learn sth from the plants. They can’t choose their birthplace, soil, climate as they wish – they just got landed on this soil somehow. This is just like us – we can’t choose our parents our family and our surroundings. But no matter how awful the environment is, the plants work hard to grow higher, to try to catch more sunlight.
They never give up. =)
hope this helps
best wishes
Things usually get better with time, try to wait it out. Tell someone, someone that you trust, someone that you love, it doesn’t have to be you’re parrents, but get it all of your chest, it helps alot. Bottling everything up will just make you more depressed. Your parrents may not really support you, but there are other people out there who do, you just have to find them. Move out when you get the chance.
Ok, let me break it down. People may say this will be mean by i dont care this is my opinon. Dear “Miss Retarded whore’,
there has to be something you’ve done. And im most definitly not saying its your fault. But if there’s nothing, then why give them the satisfaction of killing yourself. I know that you hate them for calling you out of your name, and making you feel like a piece of shit. Im sorry, but parents like that will get whats coming to them. You on the other hand, worry about yourself. get yourself on track by fininshing High school, and becoming succesful. Or if you’re out of HS, go to college, make a living for yourself. Wake up and smell the oxygen. Because if you wanna wake up a smell nothing, then theres not doubt about it, or turning back, that once you trade in your life for hell. your not getting anyting pleasent back in return.
I just want to say, I have felt similar, no one can ever fully understand how you feel because they are not you; but I will try not to sympathise or patronize you.
I think it’s good you’ve commited these thoughts in writing, you’ve thought them over and that is a good process but think about how they treat you and you say they won’t miss you. I cannot tell you they will definately miss you because I don’t know them; however, you give in to this urge, you give in to them. They win. Its about you, you are stronger for continuing on, even when you have gone through so much.
I know that you are strong enough to show that you can rise above them from the fact you’ve published this entry. I hope that you pull through this but don’t feel anyone here will judge you for making your own decision.
Best Wishes