Thank you for the replies sent to me to tell you a bit more about me i will,
when i was 4 years old I was hit by a car the driver worked for the goverment and he was driving drunk when he hit me with his car i went 20 feet at the time in the air came down hard on my head this kept me in hospital for 6 months with stuff all over my head then when Iwas 6 years old i had to share a bed with one of my uncles while in the bed with him I was made to do sexual things to him then when I was 9 years old I was placed in a home for boys only most of the boys were around my age but there were three older boys there 2 of them were 16 and the other was 15 my sexual abuse started on my first night at this home by one of the 16 year old boys who came to my bed woke me up and told me to do sexual things to him this went on for many years and no one would hear me or what I was telling them.
my first attempt of ending my life was at the age of 9 i had climbed to the top of the power pole outside the home and tried to end my life then the next time was on my second day at the local school where i was raped by two older boys from the home and one of their friends from school i spoke up about it but was ignored so I started to drink all sorts of piosons to end my life these all failed because i was taken to the hospital then back to the home.
at school i tried to end my life many times over because I could not cope with the abuse that i was going through on a regular basis by the older boys at the home then when I turned 10 yrs old the home had another housemaster start full time there he worked mostly at night and he would wake me yp take me to his room and force me to do sexual acts with him but this all changed when i was 11years and 7 months old the housemaster started to penetrate into my anus and also other things he had me do to him i was totally degarded by him I had to do as he ordered me to do or I would get treated so bad that i would try to end my life again and again and again I have never been able to get rid of these feelings that i have because of what i went through as a child i was in state care for 9 years in total until I had turned 18 years old but through all of my sexual abuse not one time did anyone who I had told about it helped me to get it to stop the housemaster is still working within the welfare sector and they never even stopped him at any time instaed they made it seem as that it was all my fault I even ask myself what did I do to let him do this to me did I? should have I? why did I? how was it that I? did I show him intrest at all? did I give him the ok to do it? did I enjoy it? these and so many other things come into my mind as to why I let it happen and now I can’t cope anymore so I can only see that there is one way to end it all that is by ending my own life as he is still out there and would he be looking for me all this time to make me do it more to him NO i should end my life to stop him from doing it to me again stop him from hurting me anymore. Ex-ward of the state b_barratt@hotmail.com
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Nobody deserves to be abused, nobody ‘asks’ to be abused. You might have been lonely, you might have wanted some affection. Sometimes people will take advantage of a vulnerable, lonely person to get what they want, without caring how it will affect the vulnerable person. There are a lot of mean, selfish, thoughtless people in the world. And some of them do horrible things to other people.
I know this seems obvious, but have you called an abuse hotline in your area? I looked online a bit, here are some things I found:
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
http://centers.rainn.org/
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1.800.656.HOPE (4673)
Childhood Sexual Abuse website:
http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/sexual_abuse.htm
National Domestic Violence / Abuse Hotline:
1-800-799-SAFE | 1-800-799-7233
800 numbers are toll free, so if you don’t have a phone or are afraid to call from wherever you’re staying, you can call free from a pay phone.
I hope you will reach out to these resources. I personally have never experienced sexual abuse, so I won’t try to make suggestions, because I’ve never been there.
My belief is that people who have been abused need to find someone who will listen to their story – in person, not online. You need someone looking at you, someone who might give you a hug, someone who can listen to your fears and let you cry or yell if you need to. Someone who understands that it can take a long time to get over these things – they don’t just go away by magic. Somebody DID these things TO you – it’s going to take some help from other people to get better again.
I’m also thinking it would be good if someone could show you how to protect yourself from further abuse, including getting a restraining order against this person you’re scared of, if necessary. They do not have any right to keep you terrified out of your wits like this.
Dear Friend:
If you die, you will be giving a final victory to the people who abused you. Why let them have the victory?
Consider joining a support group for male survivors of sexual abuse and incest. Look for an online group, and also for an in-person group in your geographic area.
That will help you start healing. Other survivors can give you emotional support and help you process what happened to you. You’ll start healing.
Also, if you can find a therapist who can help you with the memories, that might ease your depression.
Also, if you look on http://www.amazon.com, there are a lot of books for survivors of sexual abuse and incest — consider getting one. Many are inexpensive, asnd used copies are pennies.
Consider that you are never too old, and it is never too late, to recover from abuse, and start a better life.
I know, because I’ve been there. It was a long struggle to recover from the memories, but I did.
To have survived what you did, you must be a very strong person. Call on those psychological “muscles.”
I don’t know if you have any spiritual interests, but if you do, now might be a good time to read spiritual texts and ask for help from whatever higher power or God you consider to be yours.
If you are an atheist/agnostic, now is a good time to read encouraging books about other peoples’ struggles to survive.
As long as you are alive, there is hope that you can heal.
And try to focus on positive thoughts and ideas, even if you have one per day. It will help you feel a bit better.
Many blessings for your healing.
Cordially,
Struggling to Survive (been there)