It just gets worse.

  September 17th, 2009 by Coyote

I posted here once, back in July I think.  At the time I had just graduated college with a degree in music.  I had a part-time minimum wage job, and was living illegally in a friend’s dorm room because I had nowhere else to go.  A few people responded to my post, and one even offered friendship, but I was too afraid of getting caught on this site by my “roommates”, so I didn’t come back and see that.

Since then I’ve had to give up my job because I couldn’t afford to get an apartment or support myself.  I had to move back to my home state, back in with my parents.  I’ve been searching for a job and haven’t even gotten an interview.  As if that isn’t demoralizing enough, I went to an employment agency a few days ago, and was humiliated in front of their entire office, including the other applicants in the lobby.  I was told that I’m not qualified for anything, not even clerical or retail work, that my degree is useless, and that I will never make more than minimum wage.  I was also told that I’d never get a job where I live anyway, because I’m nw to the area and don’t know anyone, and “it’s all about networking.”  I’ve realized over the past months that getting a music degree was quite possibly the worst decision I ever made, but I still didn’t expect to be verbally eviscerated by an interviewer.  Perhaps I should be grateful, though.  That was the closest thing I’ve had to an interview, and at least that woman deigned to speak to me, which is more than anyone else I’ve applied with has done.

I still have $75,000 in student loan debt and no way to make the payments, and the end of the grace period is fast approaching.  I am 25 years old, unemployed, with a worthless degree, and I live with my parents.  In less than a month, I’ll be an unemployed 26 year old who lives with my parents.  I don’t know how I could be more of a failure.

I started taking antidepressants again, and instead of being so depressed that I can barely function, I’m now so numb that I hardly feel any emotion at all, unless anxiety and panic are considered emotions.  And even functioning only on logic, if it can be called that, suicide is still a very attractive option.  Between the depression itself and the effects of the medication that treats it, I’m not sure I’m capable of logical thought anymore.

Maybe when I wake up tomorrow I’ll be so numb I just won’t care.  That’s been happening frequently because of the meds.  Or maybe posting this will have some kind of soothing psychological effect on me, and I’ll be less panicky.  I don’t know.  Even so, my situation does not change.  I don’t even know if this post is coherent.

I’m lost.  I don’t know what to do.

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