I posted here once, back in July I think. At the time I had just graduated college with a degree in music. I had a part-time minimum wage job, and was living illegally in a friend’s dorm room because I had nowhere else to go. A few people responded to my post, and one even offered friendship, but I was too afraid of getting caught on this site by my “roommates”, so I didn’t come back and see that.
Since then I’ve had to give up my job because I couldn’t afford to get an apartment or support myself. I had to move back to my home state, back in with my parents. I’ve been searching for a job and haven’t even gotten an interview. As if that isn’t demoralizing enough, I went to an employment agency a few days ago, and was humiliated in front of their entire office, including the other applicants in the lobby. I was told that I’m not qualified for anything, not even clerical or retail work, that my degree is useless, and that I will never make more than minimum wage. I was also told that I’d never get a job where I live anyway, because I’m nw to the area and don’t know anyone, and “it’s all about networking.” I’ve realized over the past months that getting a music degree was quite possibly the worst decision I ever made, but I still didn’t expect to be verbally eviscerated by an interviewer. Perhaps I should be grateful, though. That was the closest thing I’ve had to an interview, and at least that woman deigned to speak to me, which is more than anyone else I’ve applied with has done.
I still have $75,000 in student loan debt and no way to make the payments, and the end of the grace period is fast approaching. I am 25 years old, unemployed, with a worthless degree, and I live with my parents. In less than a month, I’ll be an unemployed 26 year old who lives with my parents. I don’t know how I could be more of a failure.
I started taking antidepressants again, and instead of being so depressed that I can barely function, I’m now so numb that I hardly feel any emotion at all, unless anxiety and panic are considered emotions. And even functioning only on logic, if it can be called that, suicide is still a very attractive option. Between the depression itself and the effects of the medication that treats it, I’m not sure I’m capable of logical thought anymore.
Maybe when I wake up tomorrow I’ll be so numb I just won’t care. That’s been happening frequently because of the meds. Or maybe posting this will have some kind of soothing psychological effect on me, and I’ll be less panicky. I don’t know. Even so, my situation does not change. I don’t even know if this post is coherent.
I’m lost. I don’t know what to do.
17 comments
That stinks what happened to u at the interview. That was messed up what they did.
Your letter was vey coherent.
I’m sure you have many friends and family that love you.
I don’t know how much this comment helps.
suicide isn’t an option for such a young guy like yourself, your only 25, you have like almost another 50 years to go. I’m not sure what to say I really feel for you, but all you could do is carry on looking for a job, look for online CV’s which are sometimes really good templates. That woman had no right to talk to you like that, she was trying to make you feel bad, and if you keep on trying and look on another agency who will give you respect and get a job then you can make her feel like shit, I have met so many people in your position but none considered suicide. Just try your hardest, your only 25.
Stay at home with your parents – and try to get retraining. Life IS NOT OVER for you yet. And yes life is about networking – maybe with retraining in another area – you might get that (I’m not sure where you lve and what is available but search it out)
I have more than just unemployment going on. (I’m female, by the way.) I’ve been depressed my entire life, and suicidal for the past decade. The severity of that compulsion changes day to day, and the only thing that has kept me from going through with it is fear. I was raised Catholic, and can’t get past the “suicides go to hell” rule, even though my aunt (who was also my godmother) killed herself, and I don’t think for a second that she’s in hell. If there is a hell.
I wrote about this is my first post but didn’t include it in this one – my mother left me in a parking lot when I was 14. We didn’t speak for the following four years. Even now she blames me for that, and my father. My father’s second wife nearly destroyed my relationship with him, going so far as to convince him that I wanted to sleep with him. That still breaks my heart, because I adore my father, and never had any sort of inappropriate designs on him. That is repulsive to me. So I have extremely screwed up relationships with both my parents.
I’m alone for two main reasons – people can’t stand to be around me because I’m too depressing, and I drive off the few who stick around in some twisted subconscious effort to protect myself.
I don’t know how to function in society. There is something fundamentally wrong with me. I just didn’t do myself any favors with the music degree and all the debt. I made it worse for myself (and for the few who continue to tolerate me).
I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.
Hello,
I don’t really know what to say, other than I can empathize with you. I have a terrible relationship with my parents and have the same trouble with people. I don’t know how to function in society either, and I am heading the wrong way, from my perspective, in college too, but I don’t know what else to do. Fear is also the main deterrent for suicide for me as well, but for different reasons. I can’t really think of anything encouraging to say to you as I can’t seem to console or help myself, but I just wanted to say I am hoping things can turn around for you. I really do, so at least you have some one, even though it is a complete internet stranger, hoping life gets better for you. It does not mean much, but it is all I can think to say…
I am in the complete opposite situation. I graduated college with a desirable degree, am gainfully employed in a career not just a job, have my own place and everything going for me, yet I’m depressed (though not suicidal). Fact is, everyone is unhappy in life, regardless of their situation. I work 60 hour weeks just because I have no reason to come home and nothing positive waiting for me but the bottle. The only thing you can do is realize that if you’re an unhappy person, you’ll be that way regardless of how successful you may or may not be. What also helps me (being a scientist) is reminding myself that it’s not real or tangible. All bad feelings and sad thoughts are just chemical brain imbalances, and nothing concrete. If you can convince yourself that emotions are manufactured and non-correlative to reality, you’ll be able to get by, that’s what gets me by at least.
Complete Opposite– wow. I am a scientist too. I don’t fully support your conclusion, but the main thing is that it gets you by. So for that, I will not argue.
Why did you get a degree in music? Do you have a passion for it? I find that music is an excellent anti-depressant. I feel my best when I have a guitar in my hands. This may not help, but try it, music is what keeps me alive today. A music degree may be the best thing that’s happened to you, if you play an instrument, join or form a band, it’s great for so called “networking.” And it may save your life.
I do have a passion for music. I’m a classical singer, and I think I’m halfway decent (when I’m not mentally tearing myself down). I love it, and it does help… but I can’t practice in my parents’ house because it bothers them, and I have yet to find a place where I can. Not here and not yet, anyway.
The worst part of this for me right now is the lack of income, because when those loans come due and I can’t pay them, I’m destroying my cosigners’ lives, not just my own. I have no desire to take anyone down with me.
I am doing better tonight than I have been, though, as you can probably tell from the tone of this post. This is one of my better days. I’m grateful for that, at least. And for all of you who have commented. Thank you.
wow….this is the very first time I have ever written a comment on ANY site. Your coments and thoughts have really hit me and have made me want to reach out. First of all….your post was very coherant.
First…..on the job front. Please understand……you met with a total idiot. I don’t meant to be so rude, but I have never heard of such behavior from anyone in the search field. I might assume that you have a BFA?
I have a BFA with a specialty in music and theatre. I performed for awhile before I got into a totally different field. Many times people are pretty limiting in their perceptions of a degree. People with a music degree have a great ability with numbers, are many times very organized, disciplined AND creative. Since I got into business (media/advertising)17 years ago I have encouraged people in our company to be open to people with music degrees. We now have several!
I know with depression it is sooooo very hard to get out and meet new people. I sure hope you do, because your degree is really perfect for business today who need people capable of being generalists vs people with very narrow capabilities.
I would first ask you……what do you want to do? What sounds fun (remember though….it IS a job : )
When I started job hunting I read a book on “how to get a job”….sounds pretty silly, but it recommended that I write a list of absolutely every person I knew. I then called them all to talk to them about what I wanted to do……and then asked them if they knew of one or two people I should meet in that field. It took a few months, but it did get me into advertising and it’s 17 years later and I love it.
I know that it is not going to be easy to reach out and call your dentist, your neighbor, your college professor, your dad’s boss,etc…..particularly when you are feeling so depressed. Hopefully you are working with a great doctor and the anti-depressants will start to work….making the task possible.
Please try it. Your degree is so not worthless!!!!!!! Neither are you!!!!!
Good luck to you and please know that you are not alone……….
It’s always the smart and sensitive people who get hurt the most. You sound intelligent, you probably see more, think more and feel more than the average person and 10 times more than the moron you met in the job centre. That’s probably their perk of the day, having a poke at an educated intelligent person whose down on their luck in the biggest worldwide recession in history.
I’m having a bad time of it too, there’s too much to list here, but I went from having a job to losing it, loosing my flat and my independance and recently watching my father die. I go from despair to hope, then back to despair again. I keep trying to change my situation but it seems a monumental task and the burden of poverty and the daily pressure I put myself under are at boiling point – so I understand that feeling.
I can only remember a handful of days over the last year where suicide hadn’t crossed my mind but you have to resist it. My best friend committed suicide 10 years ago and he broke a dozen more souls by doing that, I can’t bring that pain to other people.
Perhaps you should use your Degree to get a teaching qualification and either work in an higher education establishment part time or perhaps look at home tutoring some rich students. You could even volunteer, help others that would benefit from your knowledge.
I personally don’t believe that anti-depressant drugs help solve the root cause. The way I seem to get through it is that I picture I am at the bottom of a huge hill, each day I take a step, the hill is massive and solid but it can’t move. Step by step I’ll get to the top – as long as I keep walking. That’s the trick.
Take your time, keep going, you are a good hearted person and we need as many of those as we can get.
James London
Dear It Just Gets Worse:
Music is a special gift. Not many people have a real talent for it. You have been entrusted in this lifetime with that precious gift. Please continue to cultivate and protect your gift. Ignore those who don’t value it.
Consider the advice a previous poster gave you to consider becoming a music educator of some type.
Regarding the employment person who tried to tear you down — some people in this world are very sadistic, and use their positions to abuse other people — pay no attention to their comments. You will learn to recognize them as you grow older, and you will develop shielding to protect yourself from them.
Regarding your anti-depressants — if all they are doing is making you numb, they may not be working properly. Ask your doctor or therapist to consider switching you to another type of anti-depressant that would work better.
You are still logical — don’t lose faith in your mind — your posting was very coherent and well-written.
Regrding your student loans — many students are out of work in this economy — you are not alone. I would suggest searching the web for other students who are in the same situation, and finding out how they are handling it. I strongly suspect that you may be able to get an additional extension on your loans.
With regard to problems with your parents and trouble existing in society — many people have parents who are just not very good at the job, unfortunately. So they have to be extra kind to themselves to make up for the poor parenting. Please be as kind to yourself as possible.
Now, many artistic young people have trouble existing in society — and that is compounded by bad childhoods sometimes — but if they live long enough, they acquire more social skills — gradually meet more people like themselves — and eventually live into better eras in their lives.
Have you considered trying to locate other people interested in music in your area and hanging out with them? They would understand a lot of your feelings.
You may also wish to check out a book by Eric Maisel called “Creativity for Life” — it has lots of useful advice for artists, writers, etc. on managing their temperaments and the difficult times in their lives. It’s available as a paperback on http://www.amazon.com.
Best of luck, and many blessings on your future.
I don’t know what sort of student loans you have, but have you heard of the income based repayment plan (IBR)? http://studentaid.ed.gov/PORTALSWebApp/students/english/IBRPlan.jsp
You may not be like me, but I’ve racked up $50,000 in debt at art school. Now, It’s not for me. I feel like a failure and nothing I can do is good enough. That, like the debt, is a ‘real world’ problem. Inside it’s also a problem, but less fixable…I don’t know if that’s where you’re coming from, that’s just my experience. Being a failed artist is just like one quarter of my problems though. Not being creative, or smart, or good, or strong, and unable to be a woman’s partner, and a father, or to make my parents proud is the rest of it.
I’m on various anti-depressants but they seem innefectual compared to the way I’ve lived my life. I’m bi-polar. And alcoholic. At some point to the doctors it’s like look at the way I’ve lived my life. What did I stand for? Nothing. That seems to separate me from the successful people I know.
Please, don’t hurt yourself! You are special! It is true, I don’t know you but I can assure you that if you are still alive it is because there is still more for you to see. I know things have been rough for you for almost your entire life. And I have comtemplated suicide myself several times but it is not the answer. Take care of yourself, PLEASE! And take it easy, one day at the time. I am sure you can get extensions for your student loans. And you can forget about the people that do not appreciate you because you are one of a kind and you are mighty special. You have abilities and talent that are unique to you. Just open your eyes and you will see them. I know it is easier said than done, I’ve been there. But you have to start somewhere right?! Take care of yourself missy and know that someone somewhere cares…I care!
I don’t check in here very often because I don’t want to get caught looking at this site. Wow… I’m surprised at the number of responses. And very grateful.
It’s oddly coincidental that so many of you have recommended that I look into teaching, because I registered for the CBEST yesterday. I’m going to try to find work as a substitute for a while.
Joni – I have a BA. My school didn’t offer a BFA in Music. I’ve been applying for clerical work because I didn’t think I was qualified for anything else, but I’ve realized over the past week or so that the jobs I enjoyed the most involved sales and marketing. I found a job opening nearby for a sales/managerial trainee position, which looks great and I think I meet their qualifications. It would be wonderful if I could convince them to hire me.
All of you – you have no idea how much you’ve helped me just by commenting and communicating with me. And I’m probably going to come back and read your comments again whenever I sink too far back into depression.
I’m trying to find a solution for the antidepressant problem. I don’t have health insurance and am running out of money, so I’m not sure how to handle that one. And I don’t expect the meds to fix me, I just need something that will “take the edge off” enough that I can function.
I’m trying. And I’m doing okay right now (today, anyway).
And to all of you who said you care – I believe you.
If anyone is still reading this: I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW NEXT WEEK!!!