I wrote my first blog here earlier last year:Â A Wasted Life… and hopefully my last is going to be posted sometime next year. This one was quite unplanned and most unexpected but after thinking about it for a little while, I just had to go ahead and write it… okay, so here goes. I live with two people who I greatly care for but one of them’s like seriously terminally ill and he isn’t really capable of taking care of himself anymore, he’s also extremely isolated now since he’s pretty well housebound most of the time. I’ve been living with him for years, trust me it’s a very long story, and in many ways he now completely depends on me. But in recent years I’ve grown soo incredibly tired of this pathetic excuse for a life that I don’t think I’m capable of going on that much longer, because the numbing pain within has just become too overwhelmingly great for me to cope with. There’s obviously quite alot of personal stuff that I’m not willing to mention here about our relationship, for the reality is it’s simply way too complicated to put into words that do it justice. But suffice it to say that while at times I do love him with all of my heart, at other times I absolutely hate his guts! As someone who’s unquestionably been my closest friend over the years he’s done so much for me that I could never hope to repay him, yet he’s also been responsible for other things that’ve had a rather negative effect on my life. I’ve also increasingly come to feel like I’m trapped in a situation with someone who thinks he’s personally obligated to keep me alive no matter what the cost and even if it’s completely against my will, and that bloody infuriates me no end!
Alright soo basically the thing is that the intense guilt I’m currently feeling about what’ll happen to him after I’ve suicided has become immense, yet as deeply as I care for him at 37 I can’t really be expected to stay around in a life I don’t want to live just for him. So at the moment I’m at a total fucking loss as to what I can possibly do in the short time that I have left to make my death a little easier on him. And oh yeah I am definitely planning to go ahead with killing myself sometime over the coming year, if all goes well… huh, that’s not my problem. I suppose when it boils down to it I’m just worried sick about what’s going to happen to him in the wake of my untimely demise though maybe at this late stage I just have to trust in the few people that he’s truly close with to rally round him, I mean honestly, what else is there I can I do now?
Yours Always, Shelly.
5 comments
Shelly, you are intelligent, reasonable and sane, but from what you wrote,
1_You admitted that you’re sick. Then you have to know what caused that. And what to cure.
Apart from the medicine that can cure, there are serious emotional issues.
2_Guilt of receiving noone’s understanding, especially from your mother.
3_Low self esteem. Will the surgery really transform your spirit? I heard of a case, that after publicity and donations, her prostituting and shoplifting ended, and had her ‘transformation’ done, she found a man whom financially dependable on her. But this man still failed her by having affairs with others. Once while she was down, and her man not answering to her summon, she jumped and ended her life.
In Thailand, those born with both male and female genitals, are outcasts of the family, always find a shelter in a small group, dancing and singing to make ends meet by giving blessings to the new-borned child. However they are welcomed as representatives of the gods in the fete, while back to normal lives, some of them still can’t endure the tauntings and loneliness and eventually choose suicide.
Well, the best role-model of gay-man I can think of is Jay Manual, aged 37, the photographer of America’s Next Top Model. The glamour I saw of him seems telling…I am what I am. I’m satisfied of myself. Take it or leave it. I’m not to please others, but pleasing myself in your own discretion…Isn’t that all a normal person should possess?
The force from inner-self is like radiance transpired. People are to be attracted to come forward.
But the most difficult part for you might be to deal with the guilt part to your mother.
If I were you, I would write her a letter telling all my good change of heart, to rest her assured that how I can think and live to my best. I came from you, mother earth, here I repay you my respects of words of love.
The writing will be in red on yellow papers. Yellow is the color of medium for communication to the other dimension. And red is a color of command. And I would burn it in front of her grave. If there is no grave, I’ll address her full name and her date of birth, and date of death.
After I’ve done my part to fulfill my destiny, I’m no more in prison of my conscience.
Forgiveness is the least I can do to myself.
I treaded the wrong path, but never will be that stupid again to walk the same.
There is road ahead, matters only if one will take the steps.
Thank you Sai Chan but my issues run alot deeper than just my mum’s dying in the way she did, and anyway it’s too late for me now… cuz to be honest *tears* I’m just too fucking tired to keep on fighting!!! =(
Im sorry Sai but you cannot communicate with the dead
I don’t know if you’re still around Sai Chan, lurking quietly, but to answer your question rather belatedly. My problem with cultures that traditionally ‘accept’ sexual or gender variant people (such as in India and Thailand) is that it’s always done on the terms of the wider community; we’ll accept you so long as you fulfill a specific religious function or a role as entertainers and sex workers, well in my mind that’s marginalisation… not truly accepting them for who they are. And what about women who identify as male in those cultures? I’ve never seen or heard of one, a Thai or Indian FtM, although I’m quite sure they do exist. But still as traditional cultures go, both are rather patriarchal even to this day… >.<
In old times of China, eunuch (a boy’s genitals after being cut) was put in palace to serve the king’s women as slave worker.
It’s a job the parents in poverty would put their child into, expecting one day their child could be rich and famous.
An eunuch could pawn his genitals for money from the pawn shop. It was believed that once a person died, he should be buried with his whole body. So those were his possessions, treasured in a jar as his life.
In palace of England, many has seen ghost holding its own head that beheaded. That is about the same concept of one treating one’s possessions. Letting go is a big issue here.
In India, women who are deserted by husbands, families, being the outcasts, can usually go to places like a temple, kind of association, a big house cramped with women, that’s where they socialize and spend their time, cramping on the floor.
Since they are the lower class, the pariah, and being woman, their life is limited to that charity can bring.
And many of those are escapers from abusing-marriage.
If someone further to that identity in society, I think it’s really hard to survive.