My Hard Choice…

December 10th, 2009by Shelly

I wrote my first blog here earlier last year: A Wasted Life… and hopefully my last is going to be posted sometime next year. This one was quite unplanned and most unexpected but after thinking about it for a little while, I just had to go ahead and write it… okay, so here goes. I live with two people who I greatly care for but one of them’s like seriously terminally ill and he isn’t really capable of taking care of himself anymore, he’s also extremely isolated now since he’s pretty well housebound most of the time. I’ve been living with him for years, trust me it’s a very long story, and in many ways he now completely depends on me. But in recent years I’ve grown soo incredibly tired of this pathetic excuse for a life that I don’t think I’m capable of going on that much longer, because the numbing pain within has just become too overwhelmingly great for me to cope with. There’s obviously quite alot of personal stuff that I’m not willing to mention here about our relationship, for the reality is it’s simply way too complicated to put into words that do it justice. But suffice it to say that while at times I do love him with all of my heart, at other times I absolutely hate his guts! As someone who’s unquestionably been my closest friend over the years he’s done so much for me that I could never hope to repay him, yet he’s also been responsible for other things that’ve had a rather negative effect on my life. I’ve also increasingly come to feel like I’m trapped in a situation with someone who thinks he’s personally obligated to keep me alive no matter what the cost and even if it’s completely against my will, and that bloody infuriates me no end!

Alright soo basically the thing is that the intense guilt I’m currently feeling about what’ll happen to him after I’ve suicided has become immense, yet as deeply as I care for him at 37 I can’t really be expected to stay around in a life I don’t want to live just for him. So at the moment I’m at a total fucking loss as to what I can possibly do in the short time that I have left to make my death a little easier on him. And oh yeah I am definitely planning to go ahead with killing myself sometime over the coming year, if all goes well… huh, that’s not my problem. I suppose when it boils down to it I’m just worried sick about what’s going to happen to him in the wake of my untimely demise though maybe at this late stage I just have to trust in the few people that he’s truly close with to rally round him, I mean honestly, what else is there I can I do now?

Yours Always, Shelly.

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