I am not looking for sympathy nor am I looking for it but there was a quote I wrote and this story explains it… I just want people to understand where the quote came from…
Quote:“My head is banging, my brain complaining, my body hurting, my thoughts are roaring. Pain is all there is. My life is tumbling my emotions are mumbling… God please help me. I don’t know what to do… my fears are living, taking over me. My mouth is tumbling as I try to say goodbye… but, my body can’t take the pressure as the words goodbye slipped from my mouth. You left in an instant to a great distance. My mind is praying and hoping you will return. My emotions have died when i find out… you are not returning.”
The hardest lesson I ever had to learn was how to move on when I lost my friend to suicide 4 years ago. Alex was my best friend and was the love of my life… Well as much of a love as 13 year olds can be. He was pretty much my first everything; that was how close we were. We knew everything about each other and knew before the other how we would be feeling. But I never thought he would be the one to die the first between the two of us.
The this is, I just now started moving on with his death because… I felt I was the reason he dies, that I was the one who killed him. Nightmares, phone calls and guilt made it the hardest to get over his death.
The day it happened, I was at his house and we got into a fight and I told him to kill himself. I came back to the room after looking at his little sister, and I saw his mom leaving, laughing. I thought it was weird when I walked in… I saw him lying there lifeless. I ran to his older brother and we took him to the hospital. They told us some of the things he had taken to over does and his brother told me that they were his mother’s pills.
The doctors tried to take the pills out of him by pumping his stomach, but it just made it worse. He was in the worst pain of his life and all I could do was sit there and hold onto him as his life began to slip away. I was losing him and fast. His brother was trying his hardest to get me off of Alex, but I wouldn’t let go. Seconds passed into minutes and the minutes into hours. it was 2 hours after pumped his stomach that he died. It felt like all time had stopped.
Days slipped away and I was trying my hardest to get over him. Nothing seemed to work. Four years have passed since Alex died, and I am just now getting over him. Yes, I know it is sad but try to think from my perspective. I didn’t want to let go, and for years I felt life it was my fault he died.
But I got over it all, and I can now go on with my life more then I was able to before. I can now tell people how I got over a death and I can at least try to help someone get over a death. no one can ever truly be over someone they loved who died, but trying to get on with life and learning to forgive yourself and them is the next step. It just makes you stronger.
here is the memorial I have for Alex… He was in love with Sakuras… so it fits.:
I miss Alex so much that it hurts… but I know I will see him in the after life and I will have my love back again.