Greetings all:
I am a 26 yr old female, who has battled depression on the same level as most of you-to the point of taking my own life. When I was a junior in college, I consumed 2 bottles of wine, and a long island iced tea in little under 3 hrs. I did this in the hope I’d  never come out of my warm, dark, sleep.
After throwing up in a club, and suffering convulsions on a sidewalk, my friends called an ambulance. I was rescued. As the alcohol that I hoped would take my life, was  flushed out of my body, I could hear, in my hazy sleep, doctors and nurses talking with my friends.
“Oh well she didn’t really eat much this week.” says my roommate.
“She is under a lot of stress to be a competitive distance runner on the cross-country team.” says my boyfriend.
There was so much more. So much more that nobody understood. They didn’t know this was actually my second attempt to kill myself through alcohol poisening. I was angry hearing them talk about me, acting like they cared or understood, while doctors brought me back to life.
I awoke several hours later, with the curtains drawn, and a young doctor sitting beside me. He didn’t look me in the eyes, and I never understood why.
“If it weren’t for your friends, you’d be dead. I strongly recommend you get some help.” I nodded, feeling numb. He had no idea I wanted to be dead. I couldn’t help but wonder, if the reason he didn’t look at me, is because he had someone close to him go through the same thing. He spoke to me, looking into the distance, as if searching to bring a loved one back.
For the next few years, I drifted in and out of depression. Angry outbursts, sleepless nights. I felt lost, wandering down open roads leading to nowhere inparticular. Boyfriends came and went, leaving me shattered and misunderstood. I pushed friends away, keeping everyone at a distance where they could not sense my pain, far enough away so that they could not see the skeletons, which danced before me.
I’ve tried counselors before, you know, the one’s for free in high school and college, but I never got through more than a few sessions. I had diagnosed myself awhile ago anyhow, what more could they tell me? I come from divorced parents, hell I am part of the fucking divorce generation. That’s where it started, making me a disbeliever in the sanctity of marriage. I have “daddy issues,” have battled multiple eating disorders, have self esteem issues, insomnia, pts, you name it.
Now, at 26, I have tried to step away from my past and heal. I’ve been doing well. I’ve been running races and feeling good, and have recently been accepted to serve in the Peace Corps, teaching English. This makes me feel worth something, after so many people (especially men) making me feel like nothing. I feel giving back to those in need, will heal me. We are all here for a purpose. We all possess special gifts. I never used to believe this, but what else can I do? Hope keeps us alive. I have hope, even a sliver of hope can go a long way.
Last night, I felt anxious, and alone. It’s probably because I am leaving family and friends soon. But everything came back, everything from my past, which perhaps I’ll share with my readers another day. I couldn’t take it, and wrote in my journal that I didn’t want to live past 31. What’s the point? I don’t see myself getting married, and I don’t want to bring children into a world full of flaws.
I awoke in the morning with new perspective. I shook the dark notions from the night before. I went for a run, and inhaled summer smells of fresh cut grass, lilac bushes, and felt warm sun on my shoulders. I feel a lot of anger trapped inside of me. I hope someday to release it for good. For now, I have survived another day. I hung on to my sliver of hope. It sits close to my heart.
If anyone would like to comment, please do. Furthermore, I would love to help anyone who really, really feels lost and out of hope. I can empathise. That is the great part of this website, we all feel this dark pain. We can share with each other the crazy part of ourselves, which friends and family cannot understand. So let’s be crazy together, and heal.
-Misguided ghost
email: xxmisguidedghostxx@yahoo.com
6 comments
Your an amazing person hun let me just say that reading your story made my heart swell 🙂 amongst all the pain and darkness that is brought to the website it’s always nice to see that person who brings forward an inspiring story…I know how you feel to constantly be battling with your own emotions and to try and not fall off the edge…but your doing a wonderful thing I mean the peace corps teaching English? that’s brilliant one thing I’ve found from this website is I wanna help people too it’s such a good feeling to know maybe…just maybe you’ve helped someone cheer up or even begin turning their life around…don’t stop what your doing I’m just words in a box I know but behind them there is a guy who you’ve made smile and the world needs people like yourself 🙂 I hope things go well for you with your job as daunting as it may seem to be leaving friends and family but I have no doubt a person like you will be popular wherever your going 🙂
Thank you Cloud. It isn’t always easy.. you and I are alike because I think we are a little more sensitive than most people, so when we are hurt, it takes a long time to move past the pain. You’ve left so many positive comments on here, and I think that’s great. It’s very hard to read such tragic stories of people’s lives. But it makes me realize that even though my pain is real and deep, some people are dealing with worse.
It makes me feel good and worth something to know I’ve left a comment that may brighten someone’s mood, even just a little. Your comments did just that for me…and that is so very important. It is easy to be down, and negative and feel like absolute shit. It’s hard to be positive, but already you’ve spread it around, and people pick up on it, and together we lift one another’s spirits. That is what this site is all about. While most people are making their last call, they are also wanting to be heard, they are crying for help. Thank you for being one of those people who listen, and care. You are not just words in a box, you are someone positive, great, special, beautiful, and touching hearts.
So thanks 🙂
Thanks for your life story. It’s important. There is a purpose for life.
I hope I can find my purpose in life as you have thx
You gave me hope.
You are not alone.
I (& some other people here) won’t ever get tired of mentioning you that there ARE actually some specific terms (Groups) of like-minded similar people like you, me, us.
Just google either or both these things: Highly Sensitive Persons (HSP), Indigo Children (or Crystal children), Old Soul, Starseed (thank you for the poster who’ve mentioned this, this is truly beautiful!), and in realms of Personality Type, google Myers Briggs (MBTI) and just type “free MBTI test” and try it first..you might probably be one of those INFP, or some other ‘Helper’ Types.
Just always, always remember that there is NOTHING wrong with you.
Although people like us (ie: indeed, the ‘Highly Sensitive’ ones) are perhaps outnumbered, always realize that you are NEVER alone! that there are many other people like you. You just have to keep BEING who you are, and CONNECTING with many others.
Create your own life story,..while you’re still living.