It feels weird to be sitting here writing this on some random blog on the internet when I’ve never told a single person in my life how I really feel…guess that’s the handy thing about the internet you don’t really have to fear what you write…but anyway guess here it goes…
A couple of months ago my girlfriend broke up with me, yes I know your thinking this how all suicide stories start, but to be honest this started even before then…I just get no real pleasure out of life and I know that whenever I do get a woman in my life I put my world around them really making them the reason for me to keep living…
But anyway…I then met this other girl a few weeks later we talked for around about two months and then began meeting…things were going well and we said we loved one another last week…and now she doesn’t want to talk to me…said she needed space…I won’t deny it’s pretty much killed me…
So here I am again contemplating what has steadily become more and more of a real solution…the idea of not having to keep each day up honestly feeling so down and dragging myself through each hour until finally going back to bed and barely sleeping seems pretty great…
My family have been good to me…my dad and I have never been close and my mum is sick a lot but they’re good people…my friends have been there for me too I guess but I could never tell any of them just how bad I feel…
I guess that is about it really…I dunno where I am with suicide now but really the notion of living for another 20…maybe 30 years is an awful idea to me…maybe some people just aren’t meant for this life…it’s never felt right to me.
4 comments
I know exactly what you’re going through. I mean, when I get in a relationship, I tend to make the other person my reason to live too. Then they just decide to leave you and before you know it, you’re in a deep depression again. I’m going through the same thing.
man……thats rough its almost the same here but alitte diffrent……like my dad died when i was 6 and my brother followed 2 months after then a few years later my brother in law and my step father also died andif something is to good to be true it is :'(
Cloud you and your responders seem to be late teens-early twenties.
I remember those being difficult years.(I’m 57)
Many adults will tell you these are the best years of your life and ask what the hell do you have to be depressed about.
But these years are tough years for most of us.
Our brains are not fully mature till we are 28 yet 18yo’s are thown into an adult society to try and make their way.
I say this as a way of telling you that you are not alone or crazy or worthless.It just takes time to find your place in the world.
Now to answer your question Cloud,the problem is you are putting the pressure on another person to be responsible for your happiness,your reason for living.
Don’t you agree that is an unreal expectation as well as a huge burden on that person?
Even if someone wanted to be your reason for living and did all within their power to make you happy, they never would be able to succeed.
At our core,we are all responsible for are own happiness,for it is self that is in charge of our actions and thought process.
People fall in love because of the way the other person makes THEM feel.
How do you think it feels to have to be the source of anothers happiness?
I’ll tell you.
It is exausting,smothering,uncomfortable,burdensome,guilt producing, and 100% impossible.
Why would anyone choose to stick around for that?
Here is what I suggest you do.
Build on the person you are,become who you want to be.
And if you don’t quite know that yet then look around you at people you like or people you see having the life you want and emulate that behavior,adopt those characteristics.
“Fake it till you make it”,so to speak.
Until you can be confident and comfortable in your own skin you will be unable to sustain a successful relationship.
Hope I didn’t get too preachy here!
Consider yourself priviledged because I am such a poor typist that I rarely post anywhere.;~)
Give it a try,don’t give up!
thank you to everyone who has responded to me. I’ve been doing my best to sort my head out over the past few days I can have an awfully obsessive personality when I am with a girl which is why even the little things tend to hit me terribly. I’m doing my best now to change myself it’s slow and hard but I can and will do it…I’ve felt a lot better over the last few days I do worry that the next time I feel down suicide will become a realistic option again but I’m hoping I won’t reach that point again anytime soon…