i just want out of this darkness. the first time i wanted to kill myself i was 11 yrs old. there’s a sign to come of a life of misery – what healthy kid thinks about suicide? none, that’s who. my childhood was shit so my foundation was already wobbly and deeply cracked. how am i supposed to build greatness or just plain ole happiness on that?
i’m 33 yrs old and married. my partner is good, kind, loving, which i could be more of, but just can’t because of my inner blocks. i’ve had 2 devastating heart breaks in my life that i haven’t healed from and that i probably never will. they caused more cracks in me.
i want out, death seems like the only way, but i probably won’t kill myself because a) i have too many responsibilities and b) some ppl would be upset if i did. i hate both these reasons, but they are what they are. i probably wouldn’t do it right and end up physically worse off than i am now. with my luck i’d end up disabled, unable to work, and worse off financially than i already am. how pathetic and enslaved can one be when one simply doesn’t have the time or resources for a mental breakdown or suicide?
i’ve been in therapy for 3 yrs and i think it made things worse. i’m self-aware now, which i was not pre-therapy. self-awareness is great except that i’m much more miserable, tortured and joyless now, whereas before ignorance was my bliss.
but i’ll just “hang in there”. my dark waves come and go. i do know joy; i have experienced it in my life. just not in the last 4 yrs.
writing this feels so boohoo woe is me. but fuck that because boohoo, woe IS me. i hate my life and right now i wish i didn’t exist. but i do, for the simple fact that my mother selfishly had heterosexual sex without realizing what a huge responsibility it is to bring a life into this world and how much emotional and spiritual work it takes to nurture a new being into a healthy existence. yeah i’m an adult and all that’s up to me now, can’t blame our parents/upbringing for everything, blah blah blah. i’m just tired, you know?
3 comments
Yeah, I feel like I know. Thank you for sharing, I liked your post, though it is sad, but you write well.
Hope a miracle comes your way, or something 🙂
BTW, I don’t know if this is sound advice, but like you, I had a good loving partner, and like you I feel (and felt) like I’m full of darkness and have (and had) only darkness to give.
I left my partner. Now I have even less than before. It’s just, you know, I wish I’d appreciated her more…
I can relate to that muspelhem, my partner left me because she would have ended up as down as me, simply by being with me and trying to support me while I battle C-PTSD. I have fought for a year, which after hiding abuse for 28yrs isn’t long in comparision but seeing what I see, all day everyday is killing my soul slowly and it got to her in the end. I wish I could have been stronger.
Darkgrrl…I can totally empathise with you, that feeling of tiredness and fatigue…then to top all of that you get sleep deprived which makes it much worse!