Life, my God is it difficult. People always bash down my religion, and though I try to stick with what I believe, it’s getting harder by the day. My Confirmation is in mid-March, I need to believe in the Catholic faith for me to feel like I really deserve Him in my life. I don’t believe that I will ever think or feel that. Not with the way that things are going.
Someone told me that I can blame God for everything bad that happens in my life. But why would I do that, how could I do that, knowing that the only one who causes my suffering is myself? He sends down His mercy and forgiveness in so many ways, and I’m yet to figure one out. I know that He will forgive me if I ask for forgiveness, but I feel as if I’ve done nothing wrong. These thoughts that poison my thinking, they’re human mistakes. Human error. Nothing that God would bestow on anyone willingly. Those who suffer on Earth, will receive eternal glory once in Heaven. It’s only a matter of time. It isn’t His fault that I wish to die, and it’s my sin that I do. My sin and mine alone. Never His. Never Adam’s, never Eve’s. Always mine.
I’m praying for an escape that doesn’t cause me physical pain, I’m praying for a life in which I do not have to lie. Lie is a sin and it makes me upset. Everything makes me upset now. I hate how I can not be sure in my faith. My Church is telling me that my faith needs to be strong and the Holy Spirit will act within me. Or, at least, that is how I interpret His word.
I’m trying Lord, I really am. I know that you are with me every step of the way. It’s just, I am blind and can not see. More lame then the blind man that you saved, and in need of more of a miracle then what you preformed at the Wedding of Cana. I’m blind and cannot see, I’m deaf and cannot hear. I beat myself up even though I live in the world that you have created. So beautiful, so wonderful, yet I have to struggle to enjoy it.
If suicide is a sin, will you please forgive me Lord? I’m trying, I really am. But I am lost, I am afraid, my shepherd has noticed that I am missing, yet can not bring Himself to lose all His sheep to save just one. It wouldn’t be right and it wouldn’t be fair. My shepherd is a good shepherd, He knows when to forget, and when to go after.
Dear Lord, I’m praying. Can you hear me?
4 comments
Um. Please. I just stumbled on this site about an hour ago. I typed in the words “cheer me up” in google because I was feeling a little down. I have a friend that always bums me out but I like her anyway, right? I didn’t want to go to bed feeling lame so…
Reading these things are horrible. They’re like catching snapshots of broken people. I don’t know what to do. Is there nothing to do?
I’m not suicidal. I’m not depressed. I found this site by accident.
Please, if you’re considering killing or hurting yourself, reconsider.
Please.
Some obstacles cannot be overcome alone. If you haven’t already seeked help, be it from somebody near or far, familiar or professional, please do. If you have already looked for help and found none or found it insufficient, please look somewhere else. Have you seen a doctor? You may be sick. My mother is bipolar. Maybe your problem is as simple as a chemical imbalance?
I don’t know who you are, or what you’ve been through. But I want you to know what I too am going through right now. My hands are shaking. My mouth is dry. I’m not religious but the way you wrote of God made me remember why I sometimes wish I were. And I don’t know if God is listening, if he can hear you. But God helps those who help themselves, right? And if you believe in God, or if you need God, then you definitely deserve him in your life. Faith isn’t something that you can push. It comes with time, and…other things. I don’t know; I never really cultivated it in myself. But you are human and no human is perfect.
But please, for the love of God–and I mean that in all sincerity–don’t let yourself come to harm. It sounds like perhaps you don’t believe in yourself, so how are you supposed to believe in something else…?
How long have you been suffering?
All suffering has an end; what’s passing doesn’t need to go down like this. There is relief in life as well.
(By the way, I’m 16 years old. If you too are a teenager and are afraid of seeking help for some reason or other, contact me, I guess, on the site? If you are older, you probably know better than I do where troubled individuals may find help. But if you need somebody to talk to, somebody at all, I am definitely here for you…
You seem like a very innocent person, whatever your sins may or may not be, and the world needs more innocent people to counteract the greedy and hurtful ones.)
Please don’t hurt yourself.
Dear Please,
Websites like this will always give glimpses into the lives of those hurting. Everyone is fighting a battle at one point or another, people on sites like these are the ones who wish to end the fight.
My parents know. Last March I left a letter at my school telling everything, absolutely everything about what has happened to me thus far. My teachers know, my parents know, few friends know, and my school guidance counselor knows. So many people in my life know about this, yet no one has stepped up and offered to help. It isn’t their fault, I don’t make it easy. I refuse help, I scream and cry when it is offered. I’m terrified of people. I’m terrified of being judged even though I always act as if it doesn’t bother me.
I’m religious for the simple reason that my family is. For me, knowing that there is something out there greater then myself, it makes me force myself to make it. I force myself to make it through every day because I know there is a God, and I know that He is waiting for us. He loves us all, even those who don’t believe in Him, and those who ignore them. That’s what I believe. God helps those who ask for help, that’s what I have been told. I’m too afraid to ask for help, so I wouldn’t know.
I don’t believe in myself, you’ve hit the nail on the head with that. I believe in what I try, and I believe in what I do. I believe in my singing, my writing, my acting, and I believe in my faith. It’s difficult for me to explain, but believing everything but myself makes it easier to live.
I’ve been suicidal since I was four years old, and I have been self-harming since I was five. I’m thirteen now. Nine years I’ve been suicidal, and eight that I have been a self-harmer. Way too long to be in pain if you ask me.
I may seem innocent, but I’ll tell you that my words are a mask. I am very much guilty of everything.
The good Lord is my shepherd, as long as He cares I will be alright.
-midnight_daydreamer
{I just wrote the most eloquent thing anybody’s gonna get out of me all day, and then accidentally closed out of the page.
This, my friend, is the abridged version.}
You are thirteen. Yes, your life has been long and hard. But it doesn’t sound like you’ve been trying to correct the problems that have plagued you.
You are afraid to seek help which no one offers.
-I am offering help, if only in spirit. The hard truth is that there is always going to be someone joyously leaping into the scene to scrutinize you and your actions. These folks are more commonly referred to as “numbskulls”. It’s a bummer, and absolutely nobody likes to feel that they’re being judged. What’s unfortunate is that your terror of this thing is blocking you from potentially becoming [much] healthier.
You are so young but you sound very strong as well, even if you don’t realize it. Try taking a (very) deep breath (and I mean take your sweet time on this one) and tell me what is the worst thing that could happen if people passed judgment on you. The very worst thing, right? That’s not likely to happen. Unless your parents are abusive or completely negligent (which is kinda redundant to say, right, same thing?) they’re at least going to try to understand and help you, because they love you.
Right? Right?
Now tell me what the best case thing that can happen is. I’m going to be atypically forward for a moment and say that people you were terrified of being judged by could realize one of their peers or children are fighting a terrible battle alone.
Did I mention: You aren’t alone? I mean, God’s with you. And, hey, if you think God’s willing to forgive you for trying to kill youself, whu don’t you think us humans are willing to forgive you for trying to live?
…(Sigh.) I’m not sure that I understand what you mean when you speak of not believing in youself making it easier to live. (Is that correct? I’m not miscontsruing your words?) But I do agree with you on this point: Nine years is an awful long time. It’s a very fucking long time, especially for a person as young as yourself. But it doesn’t always have to be like this. Not by any means. People can heal, you are a person, so logically you can heal as well.
You are very young. Very smart, very troubled, and very young. You should see a doctor. I know I already said that, but unless there’s something *highly improbably horrible* that you did when you were around the age of three that has sucked joy out of your life since, well…You get the idea.
I would hate to irritate a kindly seeming person such as yourself, but it’s time for me to peak in my redundancy and tediousness and beg you to seek help. To do it for yourself, for your family and friends and people who know you, and for God. You are not alone. I’m begging you not to kill yourself. And while this website may comfort you as you consider suicide, I urge you to at least look the other way before you do something horrible and irrevocable, and to please (hey, that’s my username :D) ask someone (your parents, your teachers, councilors, friends, friends’ parents, ect. If you want, I’ll research resources and whatnot) for help and see where that takes you.
You don’t need to die, I believe that you must be so much stronger than that. You made it this far without help, don’t isolate yourself from your hope.
Please,
I don’t have very long to type this, but I just would like to tell you that I can’t come on this site anymore. My mother caught me on it a few hours ago while I was trying to respond. She demanded to know what site I was on, and what I was typing. I exited out, and opened a Word document and told her that. I know that she doesn’t believe me, so I have to stop coming to this site. She’ll find out, I know that she will.
I enjoy talking to you, and if you want to continue this conversation further, my email address is eclipse_dreamer530@hotmail.com.
Thank you for everything,
midnight_daydreamer